Lending a flat

[ClovisWrites]

I wonder what you all think of this. This is I’m afraid the first-worldest of first world problems, however it is causing me upset and causing tension within my family, so I’d be genuinely grateful to know if I’m completely in the wrong. (I also saw a similar story about a borrowed house on here yesterday so it’s well timed.)

A couple of years ago, after the sale of part of a business (said evasively so I’m not immediately identifiable) I bought a flat in London. It’s quite small but it’s in a nice part and very central. I bought I guess as dream-come-true thing, so I could go down at weekends for shows and shopping. I also use it occasionally when in London for work, and I’ve always made it clear to my friends and family that they can use it pretty much when they want, and many do which gives me a lot of pleasure.

A few weeks back my DMIL had ‘booked’ it for a weekend, and a few days before the trip she called me quite agitated asking me to drop off the keys. I said “I’m seeing you later in the week before you go, I’ll pass them over then”, but she kept insisting she wanted them in plenty of time. She is a bit sneaky in many ways and I smelled a rat, so then I said (untruthfully, but I wanted to put her on the spot) “Actually I’m going to be in London on Friday, I’ll see you at the flat.”

Long story short, it turned out she’d decided not to go down, so had told a friend of her precious eldest child that he could borrow the flat that weekend. This friend is someone I don’t particularly like or trust and wouldn’t have considered close enough to lend my flat to.

I’ve been told I’m being “selfish” and “rude”, and that I’ve “let him down and left him with nowhere to stay”. DMIL also said that the flat was hers for the weekend so she assumed she could do as she wished with it, and doesn’t see the problem.

In anger I said: “You obviously didn’t think it was fine because you lied about it.” I also said “I said you could borrow it, I didn’t sell you a **ing timeshare you could pass on.” I shouldn’t have sworn but I feel she’s been dishonest and incredibly presumptuous. I don’t feel I’ve let this person down as I never promised them anything.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yes but you actually seemed certain the Op was a woman

Anyway - the Op is a man

and I think that he just let slip that the flat is actually in his wife’s name!

It wasn’t mil’s flat to decide who stays there. You’ve done nothing wrong in refusing ‘friend’ to stay there.

That wouldn't make sense in the point he was making though

It would

the mother is saying that it’s basically her flat because in her daughter’s name. Daft. But makes much more sense

Really low class behaviour as is her claiming ownership.
I really would be mortified to have my parent behave like that.

She certainly doesn't respect you and your wife isn't great either.

Time to make a firm stand.
Accepting such a violation will be making little of yourself.

Don't do it.

I think you can only let people you know and trust use the flat, otherwise things can happen and copies of the keys can be made. You are right to stand your ground. Otherwise mil is going to let every Tom dick and harry stay as a flex.

In other words she had no intention of using it herself and just took liberties! Personally I’d change the door lock and never let her use it again

Just let everyone who has ever borrowed it they can no longer do so, and tell them why- your DMIL will get plenty of feedback, I am sure.

🙄

She was entitled to swear, I would've said more.

No don't let your wife sway you....she's probably let it to others behind your back and would continue to do so.

I’m sure @ClovisWritescan stick up for himself.

It would make me wonder if she had done this kind of thing before. I wouldn’t let her stay again

She wouldn’t get a foot over the threshold ever, ever again. She absolutely cannot be trusted, tell her to f**k off!

I would not let her use it again because you apparently can't trust her not to give the keys to rando's.

Meh.....I'm good with the swearing. I love a good curse word myself 😀

Definitely YANBU, OP! That is not ok of her to do that. I’m annoyed for you!

My DH and I have bought a flat in London too for same reasons as you - a lifetimes dream to access everything the city has to offer. DH also uses it for work as recently moved into a London based role, we both use it together and separately for leisure/pleasure. Our children (18/21) are allowed to use it and invite friends/GF’s, and the eldest uses it in term time (having a year out currently) so will spend another couple of years living there when finishing her degree. We only permit friends to stay in it WITH us, though. Similarly, the DC can have friends provided they are also present. The keys never get handed out.

It is our oasis and a treat to ourselves (especially for DH as the continually cancelled trains and often 2 hour long end of day commute was killing him). But we KNEW that if his mates got wind they would start treating it as a bachelor pad - they started reaching out almost as soon as we moved in. We did not want people using it like an Air B N B, as it we have made it an extension of our home: its full of our personal possessions, clothes, tech, photos. Many on MN would think we’re being selfish, obnoxious even, but we will never lend it out in our absence any more than we would give people the keys and carte blanche to use our primary home when we’re away. We won’t take the risk - plus it invalidates your home insurance policy, btw, if you should ever be burgled or suffer a fire/flood damage etc when you are not resident but your ‘guests’ are.

Sadly, you’ve been kind and generous, but it was always likely someone would feel it was their right to extend your generosity beyond what you permitted. And fortunately you cottoned on before it happened (though you may want to be sure that it has not been happening already on other occasions, by other family members). I would rethink the terms of your sharing it going forward - and investigate your insurance policy so that you know you are protected.

No, it would have been fine for her to ask (if it's a known thing that you're happy for friends and family to use it), but being dishonest, and then rude, isn't ok.

OP read your lease to see what it says about sub letting. It depends what title structure and also whether share of freehold in the management company. There may be a breach of building insurance which could be made void if you are regularly have randoms staying when you are not there.

If share of freehold you personally could have to compensate your fellow leaseholders for increased premiums of building insurance cover

Yes l think she was entitled to. I would have been raging if a a so called friend had one this to me. Good for her.

MIL out of order
Wife unsupportive

I hope you have cameras at the flat

Make sure to have a camera at the entryway and also change the locks to electronic locks. You can give approved guests temporary codes. if you see unauthorized people enter you can tell them they have 5 minutes to vacate or the police are coming. I'd not l be as generous about lending the flat out anymore either.
Remind Wife hat she took vows with you and must put your feelings ahead of everyone else.

That said, several years ago b I bought a condo. When hubby and I got married I still owned it and a couple people in particular would often would ask if they could stay in THE condo for a weekend or if their guests could stay in THE condo. like it was a communal property. The word THE in that case was a major bugaboo for me lol. I'd say....You mean MY condo? I know, I know....I have many bugaboos 😀

Bit sneaky.. I would feel cross but cant you talk to her again calmly ?