Lending a flat

[ClovisWrites]

I wonder what you all think of this. This is I’m afraid the first-worldest of first world problems, however it is causing me upset and causing tension within my family, so I’d be genuinely grateful to know if I’m completely in the wrong. (I also saw a similar story about a borrowed house on here yesterday so it’s well timed.)

A couple of years ago, after the sale of part of a business (said evasively so I’m not immediately identifiable) I bought a flat in London. It’s quite small but it’s in a nice part and very central. I bought I guess as dream-come-true thing, so I could go down at weekends for shows and shopping. I also use it occasionally when in London for work, and I’ve always made it clear to my friends and family that they can use it pretty much when they want, and many do which gives me a lot of pleasure.

A few weeks back my DMIL had ‘booked’ it for a weekend, and a few days before the trip she called me quite agitated asking me to drop off the keys. I said “I’m seeing you later in the week before you go, I’ll pass them over then”, but she kept insisting she wanted them in plenty of time. She is a bit sneaky in many ways and I smelled a rat, so then I said (untruthfully, but I wanted to put her on the spot) “Actually I’m going to be in London on Friday, I’ll see you at the flat.”

Long story short, it turned out she’d decided not to go down, so had told a friend of her precious eldest child that he could borrow the flat that weekend. This friend is someone I don’t particularly like or trust and wouldn’t have considered close enough to lend my flat to.

I’ve been told I’m being “selfish” and “rude”, and that I’ve “let him down and left him with nowhere to stay”. DMIL also said that the flat was hers for the weekend so she assumed she could do as she wished with it, and doesn’t see the problem.

In anger I said: “You obviously didn’t think it was fine because you lied about it.” I also said “I said you could borrow it, I didn’t sell you a **ing timeshare you could pass on.” I shouldn’t have sworn but I feel she’s been dishonest and incredibly presumptuous. I don’t feel I’ve let this person down as I never promised them anything.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yanbu.

Your wife is.
I would be deeply unhappy with your liar MIL's duplicity.

She would NEVER use it again.
She has zero manners or respect for you.
How date she speak to you like that.
Your swearing was justified.

Your wife is no better.
Wake up to that.

I don't do liars and I don't tolerate those that are disloyal and support liars.

Your wife needs to give her head a wobble.

Not sure why so many posters have asked why / when the OP became suspicious, when it is all clearly written out in the opening post

Of course YANBU.
I would simply say the MiL can't use it again as she has broken a trust. If your wife can't see that, you have a wife problem.

You've been too generous, OP - it's biting you on the bum now.

Do you have cctv at the flat? If not I'd get that immediately. I wouldn't want my MIL to have it at all given what happened - I'd need a really sincere apology before she went anywhere near it, and even then it would only be with a Ring doorbell or similar installed. Bloody cheeky woman!

@ClovisWrites
Take the keys (and possible duplicates) off old dear MIL
She's completely destroyed any trust you had between youse
AND completely bar her from the flat
Also Where's your DH in all this? youse
Should be presenting a united front in letting her know she's in the wrong
Also I know you're lovely and like everyone to be able to use YOUR flat, but are you so sure they're the only ones who do so when they're saying they do??

Tbh I don’t regret offering to people. Everyone else has been respectful with the property and has told me they’ve had a great time having somewhere to stay without having to think about the cost. My sister was down last month and sent me a picture of herself and her bf having dinner near the flat, and it made me happy, so I’m not going to pull of the drawbridge because of one person being a CF.

I wouldn’t let the MIL go there any more though @ClovisWrites

It’s always nice to read a post where the OP has already dealt appropriately with a CF. Don’t ever let MIL have the keys to the flat ever again and that should include anyway who might be doing so sneakily on her behalf. Awkward for your wife but perhaps she’s used to pandering.

Not ideal you swore but understandable in the circumstances. You could always apologize for swearing if that might diffuse some tension.

Sure, just absolutely bar those that take the piss!!

Bend over and take it up the arse so the cheeky bugger gets what she wants?
Nah. Fuck that.

How many other times do you think your flat has been loaned out to strangers?

It sounds like the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree either with your wife. Maybe I’m reading between lines that don’t exist. But really your wife thinks you’re in the wrong?

This is a really interesting comment actually because a couple of times in the past I've heard her say to people "We've got a London flat in the family" which I suppose wasn't technically a lie, but I felt she was trying to imply it was kind of jointly owned to show off. On one occasion, this was last year, she said that in front of one of her friends, and my wife said: "Mum, [ClovisWrites] has a flat." and DMIL said something like: "Well yeah, it's in her name", and I did feel like she was trying to save face after borderline bullsh1tting that it was a joint thing when it isn't in any possibly way.

So obvious that the real reason you started this thread is marital ie your wife thinks you should allow her mum’s friend to stay there and insisted off you swore at her mum

On one occasion, this was last year, she said that in front of one of her friends, and my wife said: "Mum, [ClovisWrites] has a flat." and DMIL said something like: "Well yeah, it's in her name",

the flat is in who’s name?

In the OPs name. She is married to DMIL's daughter.

The Op is a man

The OP is a woman. Her wife is also a woman.

No the Op is a man according to dozens and dozens of posts in the past. A 45 year old man

OP is a man

so when you write in “her name” - who’s name?

You just made that up! 😆

That comment about the flat being 'in her name' kind of implies he's female!

She deserves never to be allowed to use it again. It’s really low if her to have done this and you aren’t being unreasonable in any way to either swear at her or tell her that she’s out of order and she’s not welcome there again. As for the person having ‘nowhere to stay’ if she feels that strongly she can pay for a hotel for them.

Yes. But i know this Op. very prolific user. A man. Very open about that. A 45 year old MAN

So I’m wondering if @ClovisWrites just let slip that the flat IS in his wife’s name!

No I based it on the same comment others have. Flat in her name.
There are hundreds of thousands of MN posters, just because you know this particular one doesn't mean anyone who takes the thread at face value should be mocked.