AIBU to not spend Christmas with my mum?

[xmasworrier]

My mum has recently separated from her long term partner (they’ve been together 20+ years). She texted me the other day asking what time she should come to our house for Christmas.

My parents divorced when I was young and so Christmas has always been split as Christmas Day with Dad and Boxing Day with Mum. This is what we do every single year and it’s what I base my plans on etc.

So I replied and said “did you mean Boxing Day?” I absolutely don’t mind hosting her at our house on Boxing Day (we would previously go to hers to see her and her husband) and doing all the cooking etc. This is already a big thing as I know she will expect everything just right and will be unhappy if it’s not!

She confirmed she actually meant Christmas Day and said “you know I’d be on my own otherwise so I assumed you'd have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of Christmas”

So long story short, it’s not even that she wants to switch the days around (I.e. see her Xmas and dad Boxing Day) but she said she expected me to forgo seeing my dad on the basis it’s not fair she’ll be on her own. This would mean I’d miss seeing half of my family at Christmas at all.

I already wouldn’t want to swap the days around as this is what we always do and my dad has been planning accordingly too, but I especially don’t want to not see him at all!

This all ended in a big blow out argument where she said I’m a horrible daughter who doesn’t care at all about her and that I’d prefer if she died!! This obviously isn’t true at all and feels highly manipulative.

AIBU to not want to change all of my Xmas plans to accommodate my mum?

You are not the unreasonable one, she is. Stick to your plans and welcome her on Boxing day as usual...that is if she has got over her tantrum.

I probably would struggle to leave my mum on her own for her first xmas without a partner but wouldnt mean not seeing rest of family. Appreciate she is divorced from your dad but surely 20 years later than can be civil?

this 100%

This year is my first year alone as my husband died 3 months ago.

I have made my own arrangements, not expected my children to change theirs.

I agree it’s a dilemma; You want to see both parents but it’s also sad to think of DM on her own. Does she have any other family she could go to - a sibling, nephew or niece etc? Or would it work at all for both sides of the family to get together (unlikely I know but depends on the circumstances of your parent’s split I suppose)? Could you split Christmas Day in some between both parents as
a compromise?

Your mum's circumstances may have changed but your dad's haven't so I wouldn't go ditching him at Christmas.
If your mum and dad can't bear to be in the same room on Christmas day, then I'd stick with the normal arrangement.

Would she be actually alone on xmas day?

Why would having her in your house mean you can't ''see half your family'' on xmas day?

Lastly - it's clear how you value spending time with your family on xmas day. Take a moment to think about how you would feel to spend next xmas day on your own OP.

Why was it always Christmas with Dad, Boxing Day with Mum? It seems unusual to have such a fixed plan for every Christmas with the same person. So I'm wondering what your relationship with your Mum is like, the same with Dad, and whether either of them have other friends or family. Are you really saying that you will never spend Christmas with your Mum? I suspect there's a bit of background that might be relevant to the advice you get here.

Let me guess... she always prioritised her partner too?

I'm very sorry for your loss. Unless there is some rift, I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect your children to change their plans when your loss is so recent.

Well, that's what I'm wondering.

It says the mum expects OP not to see her dad, so clearly she can’t be civil.

I lost my DH three and a half months ago and I'm making my own plans too.

Your mum is being highly manipulative asking this question when Christmas is nearly 3 months away. Why couldn't she ask if it would be possible for her to come this year instead of making an assumption?

After her saying that stick to your plans otherwise she will expect you to be a push over every single time.

If anything she could of asked if your dad would be okay with coming for christmas to his with you.

I assumed you’d have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of christmas

Cheeky woman! Inviting herself round for several days.

No she 100% will not be civil with my dad. He’d be fine with her but she wouldn’t be able to be nice to him and would bring up all sorts of things from 30 years ago. So definitely not an option to bring everyone together in that way!

How did you know! Around 5 years ago she missed a big birthday of mine because he wanted to go on holiday specifically over my birthday (wonder why!) she said “oh you don’t mind do you? Your birthdays are never a big deal”

In principle I didn’t mind but the way she was so dismissive really hurt my feelings! There was no consideration for me then but she expects me to completely change my plans for her

No she wouldn’t be completely on her own at all, she could go to her parents (my grandparents) house if she wanted to as they have said she is welcome to do Xmas as theirs then big Boxing Day of that side of the family at mine. But she wasn’t happy with this suggestion and said I was proving how I prefer my dad by wanting to stick to my usual plans

It’s genuinely always been this way, since before I was old enough to have any say in it! I think it started at my nan on my mums side worked a job where it was easier to get Boxing Day off rather than Christmas Day itself but it’s always continued. I have an okay relationship with both parents really but perhaps slightly closer with dad

Just to add it’s not super practical to split the day either as they live in opposite directions so I’d spend most of the day driving!

You shouldn’t have to change your plans because of mum and whilst no one could blame you for making a point of the past when telling her you won’t change plans, please be the bigger person and tell her nicely.

Let her have her tantrum. She's lost some control and is scrabbling around trying to fix the feeling. Keep plans the same and if she wants to make it miserable for herself then she can crack on.

After the nasty manipulative tantrum I wouldn’t see her over Christmas at all. I’m glad you’ve got a nice dad! Enjoy your time with him.