AIBU to not spend Christmas with my mum?

[xmasworrier]

My mum has recently separated from her long term partner (they’ve been together 20+ years). She texted me the other day asking what time she should come to our house for Christmas.

My parents divorced when I was young and so Christmas has always been split as Christmas Day with Dad and Boxing Day with Mum. This is what we do every single year and it’s what I base my plans on etc.

So I replied and said “did you mean Boxing Day?” I absolutely don’t mind hosting her at our house on Boxing Day (we would previously go to hers to see her and her husband) and doing all the cooking etc. This is already a big thing as I know she will expect everything just right and will be unhappy if it’s not!

She confirmed she actually meant Christmas Day and said “you know I’d be on my own otherwise so I assumed you'd have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of Christmas”

So long story short, it’s not even that she wants to switch the days around (I.e. see her Xmas and dad Boxing Day) but she said she expected me to forgo seeing my dad on the basis it’s not fair she’ll be on her own. This would mean I’d miss seeing half of my family at Christmas at all.

I already wouldn’t want to swap the days around as this is what we always do and my dad has been planning accordingly too, but I especially don’t want to not see him at all!

This all ended in a big blow out argument where she said I’m a horrible daughter who doesn’t care at all about her and that I’d prefer if she died!! This obviously isn’t true at all and feels highly manipulative.

AIBU to not want to change all of my Xmas plans to accommodate my mum?

I am mad for you that due to her failed relationships she expects you to pick up the slack. She’s the parent she should be looking after you! Why should you not see your Dad just because of her choices? At the very most I’d offer to swap so she wasn’t along Christmas Day but I’d still be seeing Dad on Boxing Day.

Read your replies. Double down - stick with the plans.

Stick to your guns OP.

I would word it as having two “Christmas Days”. You’ve always seen her day with her as your Christmas Day together. It’s not fair to upset everyone’s plans because she wants two “Christmas Days” with you. She has other options and you will still have a lovely “Christmas Day” together, just not on the 25th.

Start as you mean to go on. If she had no other options you may want to review the situation, however, under no circumstances say this or give her that idea. She sounds like she is the kind of person who would take a stand just to get you to do what she wants.

It was wrong of her to assume that you would change your plans but like a pp i wouldn't leave my mum alone on Christmas day. As for all plans having already been made, its only the 4th Oct, plenty of time to change things around. However if you don't want to alter your plans, thats up to you, you just need to be firm in telling her so.

But what about the dad?

"so I assumed you'd have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of Christmas”

That's a narcissistic mother. She sees you as an extension of herself. You are not entitled to your own wants and needs. You are there to fulfil hers when she needs you. Nobody else matters, you or your dad. It's all about her her her. She's single now so how dare you not realise that you're not entitled to plan your own christmas how you want it anymore.

Have you been to therapy, OP? Having a mother like this would've affected you a lot, you might not even realise the extent of it

That manipulative stuff about her dying would have a dealbreaker for me. Don’t give in to her emotional blackmail, not this Xmas or in the future.

She sounds like a pain in the arse tbh. Why would you want a pouty grown adult around you at Christmas? People need to learn the consequences of their selfishness and antisocial behaviour. What self respecting adult wants to spend time with people they’ve emotionally blackmailed into being with them? Sorry, I know it’s your mum and that but seriously ….

I'm assuming (perhaps very wrongly) that your Dad left her? Anyway, given that your Mum can go to her parents on Christmas Day, I would stick to your guns.

‘I assumed you’d have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of christmas’

?!

No, mum-I didn’t assume you’d expected me to change the plans I’ve had for x decades! You are welcome here for Boxing Day if you are no longer hosting, but we are seeing my dad Christmas Day as we always do.

Start as you mean to go.

Your mother has clearly suited herself for years and she has form for being selfish.

Do not be guilted.
Tell her that things will remain the same and if she doesn't want to see you on Boxing day, so be it.

Too many people think they get to decide on Christmas day for others.
Simply step away and do not entertain it or this will be the drama you face every year.

It's early October, it's still sunny.. Why are people talking about Christmas day plans? I would be having that conversation in December. Yes your mother is unreasonable.

She sounds depressed.
Is she normally like this or is it since her break up. Does she have any other family or friends she can spend the day with?

I don't think you are being unreasonable but if it is unusual behaviour for your mum it sounds as though she is struggling.

My mom is on her own for the first time this year, and my first priority planning Xmas was to ask her what she wanted.

I don't think it would be the end of the world to change things around and make sure she is OK on the occasion?

But you sound determined to keep things as they have always been. That's your perogative of course. But it's unrealistic to expect her not to feel upset about it. Though her reaction does sound obsessive.....

From your posts, it seems like you aren't very keen on her?

I've just seen this. In that case I think you should stick to your guns.

No she left him actually, after having an affair with the man she was then in a subsequent relationship with. That’s completely their business but it was 100% her choice to leave and my dad has told me how devastated he was when it happened

Exactly. It’s not the end of the world to be on your own on Xmas Day - it’s one day ffs. She sounds like an entitled drama queen. Why should you change your plans with your dad to accommodate her exactly?

I’ve had some but probably not enough! I had CBT on the NHS and didn’t find it very helpful, would prefer to try another route but can’t afford to go private at the moment. I struggle with our relationship, it often feels like she is mostly bothered about how the outside world perceives us rather than what actually matters, but for the most part we do get along fine

Do not change your plans. Let her tantrum like a toddler.

She sounds like you were always second choice to her.

Ah OK. I just wondered because she seemed so bitter towards him. All the more reason to look after your Dad on Christmas Day then!

That entitlement Is astounding!
I absolutely wouldn't ditch dad for her, especially as she doesn't actually need to be alone.

Is she very religious or has limited time off work, so that the 25th is particularly important? My parents are very much of the mindset that the date doesn't matter, they'd just like to see us and whatever works for us is fine and DC other grandparents are the same, but admittedly religion doesn't actually come into it for us.
(I've always said we were a normal family, but Mumsnet makes me wonder sometimes!)

She will survive spending Chrismas Day alone - effectively she's having her family Christmas on 26th instead.

This is what I did when DS had to spend every second Xmas with his Dad - I, and my parents, did Xmas Day on 26th. DS was only grandchild so they and my sister didn't mind postponing.

Your mum can treat herself on Xmas Day - bath, Baileys etc, just like losts of parents do on Xmas Day when their kids are with the other parent.

Your mum does sound very selfish and quite hard work - if she insists that she won't come at all if she can't spend Xmas Day with you, you might have a very relaxing Boxing Day for a change.

She sounds bloody awful.

I'd tell her she's being manipulative and it's her own fault she can't come Christmas day because she's incapable of behaving herself around your father.

Why not just have them both at yours?

I am very much looking forward to the plans that I have made instead.

I am going to spend 2 weeks in a country where they don't celebrate Xmas and it will be very different.

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