AIBU to not spend Christmas with my mum?

[xmasworrier]

My mum has recently separated from her long term partner (they’ve been together 20+ years). She texted me the other day asking what time she should come to our house for Christmas.

My parents divorced when I was young and so Christmas has always been split as Christmas Day with Dad and Boxing Day with Mum. This is what we do every single year and it’s what I base my plans on etc.

So I replied and said “did you mean Boxing Day?” I absolutely don’t mind hosting her at our house on Boxing Day (we would previously go to hers to see her and her husband) and doing all the cooking etc. This is already a big thing as I know she will expect everything just right and will be unhappy if it’s not!

She confirmed she actually meant Christmas Day and said “you know I’d be on my own otherwise so I assumed you'd have realised I’d be coming to you for the whole of Christmas”

So long story short, it’s not even that she wants to switch the days around (I.e. see her Xmas and dad Boxing Day) but she said she expected me to forgo seeing my dad on the basis it’s not fair she’ll be on her own. This would mean I’d miss seeing half of my family at Christmas at all.

I already wouldn’t want to swap the days around as this is what we always do and my dad has been planning accordingly too, but I especially don’t want to not see him at all!

This all ended in a big blow out argument where she said I’m a horrible daughter who doesn’t care at all about her and that I’d prefer if she died!! This obviously isn’t true at all and feels highly manipulative.

AIBU to not want to change all of my Xmas plans to accommodate my mum?

You know it doesn't actually matter if she's upset or angry about it. She can be upset, that's ok. Just leave it there. Plan to see your grandparents boxing day like you usually would, tell her she's invited. If she starts just say "we've already discussed this, I'm not arguing about it, see you boxing day, or not, up to you " 🤷

OP has already answer that earlier...

"No she 100% will not be civil with my dad. He’d be fine with her but she wouldn’t be able to be nice to him and would bring up all sorts of things from 30 years ago. So definitely not an option to bring everyone together in that way!"

Of course not, OP - you're an adult, so you can do what you like. I would say lots of people don't spend Christmas with their parents - it's perfectly normal.

OP has said that her grandparents, who are her mum's parents, have invited OP's mum to their house for Christmas Day so she wouldn't be on her own but she has refused that invitation.. She wants to have both Christmas Day and Boxing Day at OP's house and for OP's dad to be uninvited because she doesn't want him there.

Well that's her choice then. So she will have to go elsewhere if she's still being awkward about him decades later

Your mother is being selfish - frankly, most mothers will choose on theirr adult child's side (making sure they are happy) but not your mother. She is thinking only of herself and perhaps this is the reason she is alone again!

It is a huge assumption that you would turn your plans upside down because her circumstances have changed, that sounds like a tantrum from a toddler, and I would have told her so. Christmas is always emotionally charged, so I would wait and see if she calms down, don't try to explain yourself, or reach out- let her come to you, don't change your plans- and see what happens.

Could you host mom and Dad at your house for Xmas day? I'd think about doing that if they are civil with each other. But If that won't work for whatever reason I guess it's Boxing day or nothing for Mom. But yeah, My first instinct would be to try and invite both parents for Xmas. Again....If they have a civil relationship......
ETA: Ok I see that Mom will not be civil to Dad so I'd tell her since she cannot be civil she will see you on Boxing day if she wants to see you. Put it back in her court and don't get baited into arguing.

Start as you mean to go on.

The moment you give in, will be followed by years of angst when you try to find a reason not to change the dates.

i know I’m a random voice but please for the love of God don’t be manipulated by your mother.
unfortunately I have a narcissistic mother, who has done similar things especially around Christmas. She has options, including her own parents.
You have not been nor will you ever be a priority to her, so don’t let her bully you.
Before all the ‘u only have one mother’ brigade starts, if someone doesn’t act like a mother, then they shouldn’t expect to be treated like one.
stay strong and enjoy your Christmas x

Sorry for your loss.

That's the thing, expectations with no consideration for others and their plans.

People are so scared of spending Christmas on their own, without even trying it.

Quite. Something my 'D'MIL would say, tears and all.

This rings true re not ever being a priority, thank you 🙏🏻

Can I just say I also have a narcissistic mother and will never ever be a priority. My mother keeps my dad away from me as well so she can have more attention for herself. I leave the two of them to it most of the time these days! I probably wouldn't have seen them at all in the past 20 years if I hadn't had children of my own that they could spend time with. Put yourself first op and let your mum get on with it! Xx

Your mom sounds like a selfish, entitled cow as a human being. She deserves to have her Christmas ruined if this is how she treats her child.

She sounds as though she’s always put herself first and expects everyone else to do so as well. Do exactly what you want at Christmas. She’d probably ruin the day for you anyway.

No you shouldn’t change your plans. Even if she didn’t have somewhere else to go, but she does anyway.

Another occasion where she expects everyone to bend to her whim.

Seeing as she has options for Christmas Day I'd say firmly you're sticking to Boxing Day and surely she'll go to see her own parents on Christmas Day anyway.
Having said that, I might not feel inclined to host her at all if she's going to 'expect everything just right' and 'be unhappy if it’s not' – how rude.

How pathetic. Her mum is so selfish and horrible for doing this but because it’s a woman she deserves the world to shuffle around her. No thought for the dad?

Exactly! Horrid woman.

Wait she's got her own parents? Why isn't she spending the day with them? They must be super old!!
I can't imagine causing this amount of drama when I could see my own parents and then do a big day boxing day with you!!

I agree with everyone else. Splitting with her partner is not your fault and your Mum shouldn’t expect you to change your plans especially since she has somewhere else she can go.
if she were prepared to behave properly with your Dad, perhaps you could reconsider but you should extract a promise from her first.
She seems very inconsiderate to me!

Your mother is being selfish expecting you to change plans because she no longer has a partner. I'd just tell her hosting her on both days does not work for you but you can still do BD, failing that wish her a good Xmas and you'll see her in the new year. Let her throw a wobbly, she sounds manipulative and one that always wants it her way. Time to let her know it's not the Mum show!!

How come you dad always saw your Xmas day and mum 26. That you never
Did alternate Every other year

i knlw you said it was from young but seems weird wasn’t swapped about

it’s hard the first xmas when you either split from someone or they die - I’ve had both happen

but as you said she can go to her parents and you see her Boxing Day so won’t be alone

sounds like you haven’t forgiven your mum for cheating on your dad tbh

Not only would I not see her on Christmas Day, I'd also re-assess the effort you're making for her for Boxing Day!

Why are you tiring yourself out on Boxing Day to meet her exacting standards?!

Boxing Day is for left-overs and to take it easy!

She can eat a leftover Turkey sandwich or you order takeaway!

Can you scale it right back?