Did I make a faux pas at child’s party by not bringing a present ?

[Sleepingworries]

My child was invited to a birthday party for the first time last weekend and it didn’t even cross my mind to bring along a present… it was only when I saw a pile of presents in the courner that it made me wonder if that is the done thing.

I’d totally forgotton about the party, and only remembered when one of the other mums text me asking where I was so I also didn’t have a card either and got there halfway through.

Have I made a faux pas here ?! I did apologies for not remebering the card but it’s a bit late now.

This has really opened my eyes. We were very poor growing up but knew you too a present -.a common one was a wee gift card type thing with an animal face on the front and a pound coin for each eye. (80s and early 90s). Or a box of maltesers. Nothing was extravagant in my area. There have been plenty times as a mum, when I struggled to buy a gift.... but I got one for every party and knew it was important to my kids to take a gift. Its regularly discussed on the radio, in mum-esque series, in books.... i just never imagined not knowing this. It stems from the three kings....... centuries old. All the movies and cartoon too refer to this norm. Sorry, its been an eye opener about what other things we think are the norm but maybe arent.

Just buy a card and a present so next time you see the friend you can pretend you just forgot it.

DC had a birthday party where one girl didn't turn up. I called the mum to check everything was OK and she said there'd been a family emergency. But DC never got a card or present so it was clear to me the mum just forgot about the party. You can cover your faux pas by bringing it next time you see her.

Not a problem at all. We need to normalise not spending money every time we want to celebrate or spend time with people. Consumerism needs to die.

It’s not too late to drop a present by the house or at the school gate if you see the parent. I wasn’t raised in a school of etiquette but logically these days as an adult, I knew we should buy something for the birthday child. DC and I went shopping together and picked a small gift. I had DC carry it in and drop it on the table. I work full-time and have no family help, but still managed to squeeze this gesture in.

This can’t be for real?! Nobody in their right mind would forget to take a gift, or not think it was expected of them.
YABU, massively.

Yes but it isn't the end of the world-get one and send it in tomorrow, or the next time they're in nursery/playgroup or whatever. One of my best friends recently immigrated, and for her it's a norm to bring the mother a present at a kid's birthday, and at the first party, she did that. People won't mind if you send it in then.

Wow, don’t be surprised if your dc doesn’t get invited to any more parties. Who doesn’t know you take a card and a gift and rock up on time? Have you lived under a stone all your life?

I've never been to a kid's party where people don't bring presents and a card but there are definitely ways to make it more affordable. I think people would be polite and not say something if you didn't bring a gift but it may be noted!

Seriously, you are beyond rude. And you will be talked about….absolute bullshit excuse that’s it’s because you were so poor.

you need to get your shit together for your kid.

It's a mixed bag where I'm from. Growing up didn't go to many parties as there wasn't many due to it being a very impoverished area. The one party I remember going to I did take a little gift. The one party I had was very informal and nobody brought me gifts and I didn't think anything of it back then, was just glad to have my friends round playing and celebrating with me.

Every single party I've been to as a parent, I have taken a gift (or a few for closer friends). However, not every single person at these parties brought a gift, and often in the school WhatsApp group parents either ask people not to bring gifts or say there is no expectation to. I live in a wealthy area as well so it really depends on the person I suppose.

I think the only thing with this one is specifically showing up halfway through while also empty handed, it is a little rude. Maybe in future just mark them in your phone calendar? That's what I have to do or I would honestly forget everything. That calendar is my memory in digital form.

Just say you left it at home in the rush, apologise for the lateness and forgetting just one of those days.
Grab something quick play doh is often quick easy and popular depending on the age.

As a party host, I would be mortified if a parent felt guilty for not bringing my child a present. My children got too many presents!

Look, shit happens. Text the mother and say something like, thanks so much for the invitation, Little X had a lovely time. I'm so embarrassed I left the present at home but I'll bring it along to school gate/drop it in to you next week. Thanks so much again.

The parents are probably greatful to have one less bit of clutter to find a place for/ hide & re-gift. The child on the otherhand, may NEVER forgive - I'm joking, they will be too hyped up on sugar to work out who which present came from!!

This reply is absolute bollocks and can be completely ignored

I would say the majority of replies on here saying it’s rude and disrespectful forget the party only to then to turn up half way with no present to eat the cake and leave prove my point.

Ive forgotten a party. Ive forgotten a present….but at least Ive recognised (without having to check with mumsnet) that I bullsed up and I fixed it.

OP didn’t even know that she was out of line (or was looking for validation that she wasn’t).

so much effort goes in to putting on parties, never mind expense.

her actions were rude, lazy and very disrespectful.

No, you were meant to realise you'd made a mistake and say 'oops, I've left the present at home. I'll drop it off later/they'll bring it to school'. (or be truthful and say you forgot about the party but would bring something later).

I'm genuinely sorry neither of you have been to a birthday party before. Wealth has nothing to do with it, you always get a card even if all you can afford is some sweets to go along with it. Lesson learned! I'm sure the birthday child didn't even notice if that helps.

I grew up in a poor area and we always did card and small token gift or a couple of pound coins sellotaped to the inside of the card.

My Gran and her friend used to cellotape pound coins into our Easter cards. Such a happy memory!

I find it difficult to understand that you simply don't get that birthday parties usually involve the giving of a gift, a cheap one be it.

Yes - I’d apologise and make some excuse and arrange for a little something to be dropped off.

But...for the post above, you never know why a child doesn't bring a gift (the parents could be really hard up, or struggling thru relationship problems, or helping a dying parent..)

You quoted my post. No, the parents were not poor. Nor were they going through relationship problems or helping a dying parent (or just got back 5 minutes before the party, having been abducted by aliens, in case that’s your next stretch). They simply hadn’t given a thought to my DC or their birthday. It was rude and unnecessary. DC didn’t want massive presents and would have been happy to get anything, but they didn’t even bother to get them a card, or make one, or, indeed, even say Happy Birthday.

It’s rude and thoughtless.

So, are you going to give the child a present? You haven’t said yet what your intention is

I wouldn’t have necessarily judged you for turning up without a gift - times are hard - but to turn up late and empty handed just looks like you didn’t care enough to make any effort, and I would have judged you for that. I also think you are being a little bit faux ingenue about this.

There is a woman in one of my social groups where most of us have kids of about the same age. I always considered her a friend. We had kids at the same time. I always invited her child to my child’s birthday parties. We have never once received a reciprocal invitation to her child’s birthday parties. A couple of years ago she did come to my child’s party. She did not bring a card or a present and I overlooked it at the time because I don’t think it’s fair to expect anything. The following year, however, we had a joint birthday with another child in the same social group and she came to that party. When she arrived she shoved a present and card into my hands and I said thank you, assuming it was a present for my child, and when I looked at it properly I realised the present was for my friend’s child and there was nothing for mine and that she had absolute brass neck to give the present to me to put on the table with all the other gifts. I realised that actually she was just actually not very nice at all and she will never, ever, benefit from my hospitality again.

why on earth are people saying to give the child a card and present when they next see them? It's already been more than a week, a card would be completely pointless and would just confuse the child (particularly as OP describes them as very young, assuming between 2-4, a week feels like a year ago at that age). Even as an adult I wouldn't still have cards up a week later so it would just go straight in the bin.

If she'd gone round that day, that would be fine, but ten days later would compound the initial forgetting and make her seem either incredibly ditsy at best, or actually quite rude at worst (first she forgot she'd accepted, then she wandered in half way through, then she couldn't even be bothered to prioritise dropping a present round the next day but waited a week and a half!).

I wouldn't judge someone initially forgetting - everyone makes mistakes. But if someone turned up ten days later with a £5 present I would start thinking they were a bit odd and wonder why they'd bothered.

She'd be better off just drawing a line under the whole thing now and knowing for the future.