Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This thread is like reading a horror story, this man is giving me the creeps and I am a total stranger! Run run run!! You can’t live like this he will drive you crazy and ruin your experience of motherhood xx

I think theres something quite sinister about this. I've found your posts quite upsetting and I really feel concern for you. I think you need to go to your mums if this is at all feasible or you could end up quite ill from his behaviour. I wish I knew you in real life to offer support or to let you know how wrong all of this is.

He's doing what he can to undermine you and destroy your confidence. As everyone else has said, he's a cunt. Also, as others have said, tell the midwife / HV. Remember, the problem is him, not you.

Ffs. What an asshole. He’s gas lighting you. Stop listening to his rubbish. Please realise that he only comes up with utter rubbish like rush because he doesn’t want you to focus on his bad and selfish behaviour. Instead of you saying look you haven’t made tea, you’ve sat with your family, you’ve got ridiculous sleep expectations and you’re being useless, he spins the conversation around to make it about YOU. So you can’t talk about him! Tell him to shut up.
While he has his 6 hour nap pack your bag. Call your mum now and ask her to get someone to collect you tomorrow morning. You need to get out of there before you wind up with post natal depression and worse anxiety. You need to go asap.

This is abuse OP please go to your Mum or speak to your HV or midwife ASAP. Xx

You are doing a brilliant job caring for your baby. Never doubt yourself. You are the very best person to care for your son. Get yourself into bed, have a cuppa or a hot chocolate; take one day at a time. I agree that your partner is not on your side. You deserve so much more. But you have your beautiful baby, hang on in there. Do not let him take over his care. X

Reading your posts makes me feel worried for you. Get out as soon as you can. You've done nothing wrong. You're being a great mum. The influence of the person you're living with is going to make you ill if you don't get out of there. He's doing nothing whilst making you sound terrible and you are questioning if it is you, so what he is doing is working. Stay strong and get out as soon as you can.

I think he has a plan to get you back working and he stays home with the baby, then claim he needs help from family & you are not a fit mother etc.
Please if you can go & spend some time with someone who has your back OP.

OP please leave this man, I know it easier for strangers to say it on the internet that to aactually do it but he is abusive. You had a baby 2 weeks ago, you should be resting not cooking for his family! He should have been the one to go in and get pads and supplies in Tesco while you waited in the car, he should be doing everything possible now to help you rest and recover.

And it’s so easy to forget to shut the boot when you are exhausted and still recovering from having a baby, when my second was a newborn I forgot to strap my toddler into his seat, started up the engine and nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a little tap on my head!!

Op I think you need to seek advice and report this behaviour as soon as you can tomororw. I think he’s trying to control you and gaslight in order to coerce. He’s trying to bring you down so he can control you more.

DO NOT let him break you. Do not give in.

please get out of this relationship. Call the HV tomorrow or go to the GP or even 101 if needed.

he may try to make you (and others) think you are an unfit mother and try to report you. Thank goodness yoh have this all logged on here!!!

You need to leave
He sounds as though he is potentially planting seeds for him to take custody of the baby by way of deeming you unable to parent him.
Contact your Mum and come up with a plan for you both to get to her.
I would start putting a bag of essentials together, including any financial and medical documentation plus of course your son’s birth certificate if he has one yet. You can pack a fair bit on a buggy when going out for a walk…..

Echoing another poster I’d be wary of putting him on the birth certificate

Can you find an App where you can translate what is being said around you. At least you’ll then know what is being said.
i really think you need to head to your mums and have a break from them all

@Aristocack please, lovely, please pack a bag, call a taxi and go to your mum’s.
Your partner sounds dangerous. He is being nasty, mean, cruel and rude. He does not care about you or your baby.
You have done nothing wrong.

If you don’t feel able to leave safely with everything you need, can you arrange for your mum to pop over to help you in the next day or 2?

please keep posting. We are here with you.
you sound like an amazing warrior mum.

Apparently there was a bloke who helped them put the pram back in the car and the bloke said "it's a good thing the baby wasn't in the pram"
did you see this happen? I think he made it up

Get. Out. ASAP.

Please OP.

What is your mum saying?

I did see the man yes

Can the boot be opened by the driver? I wonder if he did it

Yes: In the Google Translate app:

1. Open the app and set the two languages at the bottom of the screen (tap each one to change it).
2. Tap Conversation at the bottom left.
3. Tap the mic for whoever is speaking, or tap Auto so the app detects which language is being spoken and translates each person in turn.

tbf they are guests in OPs house and haven’t long arrived, a basic thing society drums into people is not to get involved in married people’s arguments.

They may have had a word with him later and asked questions to figure out what and why he has these concerns. They were likely taken aback and felt awkward.

I’d be willing to bet that if the bloke said that it was either A a joke or B directed at OPs partner!

Omg this man will drive you to pnd op. Wtf is he doing. You are NOT a bad mother or a clumsy one. He’s trying to make you feel like you can’t trust yourself. This man is up to something.
you are 2 Weeks pp. you are also doing the bulk of the night waking, your hormones are all over the place.

I couldn’t even think straight at times in the early days. I really think you should be aware this man is trying to get into your head here. For some reason. Please share this with your mum.

DARVO.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Seriously OP, he's a bad man.

Just leave first thing tomorrow morning, and go to your mum's.

Then send him this thread and tell him what the world (or that part of the world that has had babies) really thinks of him.

We think you're an abusive, manipulative, cowardly cunt, OP's husband. In case you didn't get it.

You should go see you r mother. And talk to your health visitor.

1. how on earth did him (or this supposed man who supposedly commented) think that the baby would be IN THE PRAM IN THE BOOT!? FFS. What a stupid comment.
2. When I was 2 weeks post partum, DH would have bought the pads, and he certainly wouldn't have let me do any thing like put things in the boot etc etc.
3. When I was struggling with PPD (although we didn't know it) DH was worried about me so he did everything he could to HELP me, not to make me feel shit.

Over 3000 people have voted YANU. So many have said this is abuse. So many have said to leave. Please listen. Your baby needs you and he is destroying your confidence.

Phone a domestic abuse line. What he is doing is abuse.

https://www.gov.wales/live-fear-free