Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This is the saddest thread I have ever read, maybe because I'm a new grandma.

OP, I wish I could give you a hug of support and tell you that 'hands on' can mean different things and your partner sounds like a dictator. As so many have said, it's madness having so many people staying over at this time, plus he is both gaslighting and undermining you.

My dil gave birth four weeks ago and her experience is the opposite of what the OP is going through. Dil's mum came over from abroad to help and she and ds do the shopping, cooking and housework so new mum can concentrate on the baby, who is cluster feeding.

I hope things work out for you and you get to enjoy your full mat leave but be aware of the red flag bunting littering your life.

I think im more angry that the sister as a woman can watch this and not have called her brother out on his behaviour but then again they must be as thick as the mince to think coming to stay was a good idea. Order a take away for yourself and stay fucking planning to leave this prick of a man. You deserve so much better. Honestly we are all gobsmacked at his vile behaviour.

Brings a new meaning to the phrase "thick as mince," doesn't it.

This horrible man does not deserve a nice wife and a healthy baby. 😡

I left my very young baby in her pram at a buggy park when out with my eldest. Parked the pram up and off I went 🙃 postpartum baby brain is a thing!

Also, those icandy prams are bloody heavy, why on earth do they have you schlepping that into the boot at 2 weeks PP. Don’t get me wrong, I did it whilst alone, but if my OH had been there it was absolutely on him!

I can't believe he suggested that. You deserve so much better from him.

The family members don't have children so they can be somewhat excused.

Your husband cannot be excused.

You need to shout, loud and clear, that having just given birth to a newborn is a HUGE thing and nothing - NOTHING - else matters right now more than the baby's health and wellbeing, which ENTIRELY relies on your health and wellbeing.

If the cunt can't support you because he loves you - because he doesn't, you are just an accessory or an adjunct - then at least he can support you for the wellbeing of the baby that he is so performatively displaying to his family, and purports to care about.

But ultimately, as I said in my previous post - this man is a bad man, and he's never going to be a good man whatever you do or don't do.

Do not have more children with him, and make a plan right now for how you will leave him.

I lost count of the number of times my lovely neighbour knocked on my door to tell me she'd closed my boot/car door/garage door for me but that I might want to lock it now. DH and I were on another planet after our DC were born, both times!

Literally everyone has baby brain. Your DP needs to stop giving you such a hard time about everything.

You’ve a gave birth two weeks ago and he’s having you host his family for 10 days?;that’s a real cunt move.

Your husbands other behaviours are emotional abuse and he’s also gaslighting you.

I’d give careful consideration about your future with this man.

Oh my, this post makes me so annoyed!!! He wants you on the couch until 3am. He's something else. You have to sleep safely with the baby, couch sleeping is just dangerous at that age. Tell him to get a blow up mattress and sleep elsewhere! Also, breastfeeding it's so natural, you don't feel tired if you co sleep.

I’m appalled at your husband but also the guests, taking care of mum after birth is a well known thing you should do as a guest. Even if they don’t have children!

Can you leave OP? Stay with your mum till the guests are gone at least? A hotel? This is just awful and you deserve rest and comfort in your own home.

Please don't cook anything at all for your selfish inlaws. Just look after yourself and your baby who should not be passed around them but stay and bond with you.

It's no surprise, given he's not even capable of checking use-by dates on the food in the fridge. The absolute fucker giving you grief over that. What is the point of him? So many useless men like him getting paid paternity leave boils my blood.

Why on earth were you the one putting bags and pram in the boot?? My husband wouldn’t dream of me doing that at any point, let alone 2 weeks pp!! And there were two healthy not post partum people there as well as you!? Outrageous

I’ve read the full thread but just coming back to this comment because he’s absolutely not going about it well. Having drinks outside in the garden for hours, ignoring you and by extension the baby, then being unable to make a simple meal when asked? The dad of the year trophy is safe.

Not one to generally say this but LTB. He sounds awful! It sounds like his is trying to destroy your mental wellbeing and trust in yourself. Which to be fair is what gaslighting is, I think.

Just because he does more childcare than you expected of a man doesn’t mean he is a good egg.

Wishing you the best @Aristocack. Having a new baby is hard enough without all of this.

Sending you a MN Very Big Hug: You are a Brilliant Loving Mum to your BF Baby. Keep your spirits up and keep on concentrating on you and your baby and ignore everyone else in the house.

This makes me so incredibly sad for you. I really hope you can get away from your vile husband and stay away him. To treat you like this is absolutely disgraceful - he doesn’t care about you or even like you by the sound of it. Get out now - it’s easier in the long run, believe me.

Partner has just been up and spoken to me and I'm fucking heartbroken.

Apparently there was a bloke who helped them put the pram back in the car and the bloke said "it's a good thing the baby wasn't in the pram" and partner told me that he had had the same thought and it really worried him. I asked partner whether he checked his mirrors before driving off and he got annoyed and said it's my responsibility to shut the boot if I put something in it. I then said that I would hardly put the pram in the boot with the baby in it but he didn't believe me and he thinks I would.

Then he started going on about how he wishes I would drive in case there was an emergency with the baby but he doesn't think I should be allowed to drive as my awareness isn't good enough and I will get me and baby into an accident.

Then he moved on to talking about how my awareness in general is terrible and how it's scary for him to leave me alone with the baby and he's dreading going back to work.

I am clumsy and when I was at school they did suggest I be tested for dyspraxia (we never got around to doing the assessment) but I would NEVER put my baby in danger I'm absolutely devastated. I had gone into Tesco to get maternity pads as the bleeding had ramped up. The pram was already in the car, I hadn't taken the pram into Tesco, the baby stayed in the car with his dad and aunt. I had put my pads and snacks from Tesco in the boot and mustn't have shut it. I would never ever ever put my pram in the car with the baby in it and leave the boot open. What the fuck. I also know that I'm not really suited to driving (I do have a license but it was a fluke pass I think) and Ive said that I'll only consider driving if I can have a course of refresher lessons and get confident. I would never ever drive with my baby unless I felt safe to do so and that is a very high bar. I was happy walking and getting the bus with him and using his pram but now I can't even be trusted with the pram.

Then he moved on to talking about how my awareness in general is terrible and how it's scary for him to leave me alone with the baby. I'm clumsy with spilling drinks, dropping stuff etc but I am NEVER clumsy with my baby. I'm never more focused than when I'm holding my baby. I've never dropped him or come close to dropping him or anything like that. Once or twice his head has fallen back slightly whilst I've been holding him but I'd never handled a newborn before him and I was learning and I always caught his head before it fell back fully. I do everything I can for my baby. His nappies are always changed immediately, he is always fed immediately, I give him cuddles and love. He is always clean and warm.

I don't know whether to just used shared parental leave and go back to work and donate my maternity leave to him. I'm completely heartbroken. He dropped all this on me then told me to come downstairs and watch a movie with him and his family, I just want to pack my bags and run away

Oh my love. He's gaslighting you. You're a good mum, how much you love your baby and are doing your absolute best for him absolutely shines through your posts. I'm so so sorry he's turned out to be an abusive prick but that is what he is. You and your perfect baby deserve so, so much better. Please get out of there. Is there a friend or loved one who could come and get you?

God, he's like the gift that just keeps giving, isn't he? Can't cook mince? He can surely google this. Wow, and he has a go at you for somehow not jumping to his tune when he whistles....but then happy playing Host of the Year with his family. Well, fuck him, he can just fuck off. I HOPE so much that this is him being a thoughtless twat and playing up in front of family. I fear it isn't though, so be watchful.

I was 26 and on my own when I had my first child. People who visited (family, friends) were bloody amazing. They'd help out around the flat, they'd take over holding my baby son so that I could shower, or sleep. They'd come over for an evening and bring a meal and a movie...or they'd take me/baby DS out in the day for an outing/walk.I was half cut from tiredness, in an emotional mess because you know, giving birth (oh and ex fucking off when I was 6m pregnant). My planned "happy newborn baby stage" had gone down the pan (thanks to ex) but these guys helped to make it special again and I've never forgotten how much those things meant to me. I just wish the same for you.

Out of interest....you're in the UK? And you're not married? Have you registered the birth yet? See if you can do it on a day that he's at work....might be handy in the future him not having PR....

He’s an abuser and gaslighting you. Do not leave your baby with an abuser. Take your full maternity leave. And get yourself to your mum’s.

So why don't you pack your bags and run before this vile cunt completely destroys you? Get the fuck out of there.

He also told me he's not seen the baby all day and I told him that I never stopped him

You only gave birth two weeks ago, you should be resting and bonding with baby, it is very inconsiderate of your husband to ask you to be preparing food and hosting in any capacity. Can you go and stay with your parents for the rest of the in-law's stay? You can visit with the baby so they can still see him and your husband can host his family.

He's plotting something, lying through his teeth, this is deliberate & malicious cruelty.
Please try to ignore what he says.