Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

You poor, poor love. It breaks my heart to think of a newly post-partum mum being given the middle finger by her partner, never mind all the rest of it. 🥺 I recognise a lot of your partner's behaviour. While I didn't have a baby with my exH, he was just like you describe. Hypercritical, jealous of me, angry outbursts, making out that this, that, and the other was wrong with me. He wouldn't stop pathologising me. It got worse and worse and worse over the years, until the day he walked out and left me on my own in the foreign country where we were living. And he only started being like this once I was married, trapped, and living in said country with him, all my family being back home. He checked off most of the symptoms of covert narcissism.

OP, this is the thin end of the wedge. It's not going to get any better. I don't think you necessarily have to leave right now, in fact it's probably much easier for you to stay put and ignore him, but definitely take his behaviour as information. Information that you can use to start planning your future. Right now you are post-partum. But you won't always be. With the information his behaviour is giving you, you can start preparing for a life without him. For example, while on maternity leave, maybe you could take steps to keep your hand in at work via online courses (not sure what you do) or getting a subscription to your industry's trade magazine, or start selling things on ebay. Getting things from cheap outlets or other bargains and re-selling is a way to make some extra. And, if you don't earn much, think about retraining to something better paid.

Making plans for a better life will see you through this stage.

I am so sorry, OP. But you're not the first to be with a horrible man and you won't be the last. It doesn't have to be forever. This too shall pass. In the meantime, enjoy your lovely baby. xxxx 💖💐💐

Oh OP, he sounds worse each time you post! Would you please consider staying with mum, or asking her to stay with you? I’m sure she can take some annual leave as the situation is let’s face it, quite bad. Not sure where you’re based but if you’re around Essex, I’d be happy to support in any way you need xx

I actually feel like I'm in some sort of torture experience. I can hear them discussing my name downstairs in the garden, I don't think they realise I can hear them from the bedroom (window is open). I don't understand their language but I understand the occasional word and they were discussing the pram incident for a while.

I did send him a text stating that I am trapped in a cluster-feeding/contact nap situation and asking him to do something with the mince in fridge that goes off today but he's not read it yet. I don't want to go downstairs as I'm covered in sick and milk and baby will scream if I put him down, he's on my chest now

Do they still make those little white cotton mittens for babies so they don’t scratch their faces?.

My heart goes out to you. What a shabby way to be treating a woman who has just given birth. They should treat you like a Queen at this special time. You deserve so much better. Not the best time to have house guests especially if they are not support for the mother - her family fine if she wants them there, his not so fine. He doesn't sound like a keeper. I'd show him these posts and see if he figure out what he is doing wrong. Sending you love and strength.

Does it matter? You didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t a crime. You’re two weeks postpartum you don’t need to apologise for the boot not locking properly and some scratches on your own pram.

You can use Google Translate app to translate what they’re saying vocally btw

Oh he's replied to my text and he's getting the sister to cook as he doesn't know what to do with some mince. Ludicrous. So I'm expected to fuss around feeding his family members but he won't do the same and then asks the guests to cook so that he doesn't have to do it.

You need to get a taxi in the middle of the night and escape to your mum’s house OP. This is abuse, plain and simple. Please protect your son at the very least

IT'S THE DRIVER'S RESPONSIBILITY. IS EVERYONE STRAPPED IN SAFELY, ARE ALL THE DOORS SHUT, IS THE BOOT OF THE CAR SECURE?

All in caps as all these points are on the driver, if he is driving that is on him.

I'm really sorry your bubble has been ruined OP, please go to your mum's and actually enjoy your baby. You really do only get this time once, you'll spend your whole life looking back wishing you'd had a different experience, and it's clear you love baby and just want to enjoy being a mum. Plus I'm sure your mum would ensure you are fed and watered with baby too.

You aren't the only person to have not shut the boot properly and lost the pram out of it as I have also done it driving up the road, and I can't even say it was baby brain as my youngest was 3 years old so please do not fret, you have not done anything wrong and no harm was done to anyone or anything (bar some cosmetic scratches). I felt awful about the what ifs for a while, but it is now a funny silly story some years later.

You will have months of mat leave to enjoy, don't worry ❤️ His paternity leave will end, dickhead family will be gone soon, then it will just be you and your baby alone all day, watching all 8 seasons of Desperate Housewives and eating whatever food you please. Make sure you take the full 12 months, screw him and his new car

Sorry but this is just not on.

I don’t even know what there is for them to talk about. Mum with cluster-feeding newborn is absent-minded… it’s hardly going to make the news.

As the driver I don’t know what his excuse is.

I hope you can get away very soon dear OP.

What the fuck is the point of him? He has no upsides to bring to your life. Just as you say a torture experience.

The car literally tells you that the boot and doors are open and he obviously didn't check his mirrors either. He made a mistake and drove off with his boot open. The thick prick. Now he doesn't know how to cook mince.

OP, I've read your posts getting more and more angry (at him, not at you!). Disgusting behaviour from him, and WTF was he thinking having a houseful of family come over for ten bloody nights?! If they were doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping, chores and generally looking after you, then ok, but otherwise? Not a chance!

I remember the first few weeks with my two kids were like a rollercoaster. I was overtired, overwhelmed and I think in shock (in the first couple of weeks). Establishing BFing was bloody difficult (tongue tie that got diagnosed about a week in and my youngest had terrible reflux) and the last thing I would have wanted was a houseful of people to run around after. The cluster feeding was very real. I've never ever forgotten the lack of sleep. I thought I was going nuts.

Things that helped? A wrap (for carrying baby): it meant I could carry them "hands free" and feed them at the same time if need be (quite handy as it was pretty discreet). Giant water bottle and a big flask (of hot drinks), and I set up a "nest" with these drinks and plenty of snacks, my Kindle and a phone charger lead. I didn't bother with scratch mitts, I used baby socks instead.

Get some advice from your HV, and just let her know what's happening, particularly with the things that your partner is saying about baby having marks on him. When my DC1 was tiny, the MW came to visit. She witnessed him sucking his arm. It left a red mark on it. She documented that, so that others would know that he was doing that. And look after yourself! As much as you can. Well done for standing ground about the feeds - you have to do what is right for your baby and for you. Sure, you can express a bit and date/freeze these for a few weeks down the line (I don't know what the recommendations are these days), but don't be doing that nonstop right now if you don't need to!).

Ok Our Lovely: Call a Uber to take you to Mum. While you are waiting pack essentials, plus passport, baby's birth certificate. Uber will be super pleased to have a long run. Ask Uber to stop on the way for you to buy food/drink.

What will you do for food when they won't bring you any mince?

Once, I'd not only not strapped my baby into their car seat, I had not strapped the car seat to the car. Drove about three car park spaces and something kicked in to stop and check. Thankfully.

This visit was a mad idea I’m afraid. Things are so raw with a newborn that hosting for 10 days was a terrible idea. No one is at their best when sleep deprived. I was a total mess for the first 3 and I genuinely think having people in my house for 10 days would have tipped me into insanity. I think you have to try and get some space but also re-evaluate your relationship once another 6 weeks have past. He might be less of a twat by then. He might not be but I suspect you’re both not at your best now.

I don't usually comment on threads but I am absolutely disgusted at how your husband is treating you, absolutely none of what he has done is ok. I'm so heartbroken for you that he is ruining your precious time with your gorgeous wee baby. I actually cannot believe his family members are going along with what's been happening ,expecting you to cook?! And no one even checking on you or bringing you some food or drink, absolutely awful behaviour.

The pram incident should have been an absolute non issue, he should have seen or the car should have warned him that the boot was open. Nobody got hurt, the pram is fine. It should have been something you could laugh off together or if you were feeling a bit upset he should be giving you a cuddle and telling you it's absolutely fine, not bitching about you to his sister when you are right there, so unbelievably rude and disrespectful talking in a different language when you are present.

I would urge you to ask your friend to take you to your mum's, get her to come help pack a bag for you and the baby, grab the moses basket, pram and car seat and get out of there. You should also tell your midwife/HV everything you have said on this thread so it is on record, I think they will be horrified.

I honestly just want to give you a massive hug, this all must be very upsetting for you. The early postpartum days are wild, hormones all over the place, recovering from pregnancy/birth, sleep deprivation, trying to establish breastfeeding. I am disgusted that he expected you to sleep on the sofa and pump for his convenience and he seems to be barely lifting a finger to help you unless it benefits him

Go to your mum's, cuddle and feed your baby as much as you like and I would seriously consider never going back to him

Hey this is very upsetting to hear as its getting worse the longer the thread goes on. If you are not able to leave anytime soon maybe wait till he is back at work. That way you can pack everything with a clearer head without having to rush back for anything of super importance.

You are doing a great job ok ! Plus well done for sharing your experience because you're able to get some support and thats really brave.

Please take care of yourself and baby x

nowadays the sleepsuits have a foldover at the end of the arms which you fold over thr baby's hands if they scratch themselves

OP, your last two updates are not great, of course, but as I said above, take all of it as information. His family are hostile towards you. Your partner can't even cook some mince. All of this, plus the other information your partner has been giving you about himself, can be put into a mental file for you to refer to in the future, when you are recovered enough to make some decisions.

You may well find it helpful to make a list on your phone of all the things he's saying and doing. I found this invaluable with my horrible exH. Really helped me out during my wobbly times. If your partner has access to your phone, you can put it in a locked file.

Keep calm. This is not forever. Your partner and his family are giving you endless information. Watch and wait, and in the meantime, do whatever is best for yourself.

This man is a bad man.