Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This! Please please please take your baby and get out of there - go to your mums. You’re at your most vulnerable & he’s being extremely abusive. This will not get better. So sorry Op, this is awful.

💯. This man is working on making op doubt herself.
who does this to a new mum??

@Aristocack to be blunt, if you donate your shared leave to him there's a good change you'll lose your baby. He will leave you, claim he's the primary parent, and you'll pay him for the privilige.
You need to stop this now, get away from the situation with your baby, and get your head straightened out. Woman up, for the sake of your son.

This is abuse. If it was me I'd turn the tables on him and say I was concerned that his anxiety was getting out of hand, as he is imagining all these worrying and very unlikely scenarios. And would he like you to make him a GP's appointment? As the night times are such a struggle for him, you thought you'd go to your Mum's to give him a break.
But I'm not sure that is good advice as he actually does sound abusive and possibly dangerous. He is setting you up to fail. Can you discretely use Google translate to eavesdrop on the family conversations?

So so agree with all of this. I’ve just read all of your posts OP and I feel very worried for you and your beautiful baby. This is a bad man and you need to get away from him asap. Contact your HV, tell your mum you need to bring the baby and stay over. You need proper rest, peace of mind, as much cheese on toast as you like, buckets of water, a comfy bed and a safe home to be in. I have a feeling he’ll get nasty if you try and leave in a taxi so you’d be better having someone pick you up who’s prepared to be firm that you’re going. Say it’s just for a night then don’t go back. Alert your HV so they’re aware if he starts telling people you’re mad and not safe to care for the baby.

Please do keep posting, there’s plenty of support and advice here to hold you up x

OP, i read all your posts here and i have this impression that you keep reacting here to your so-called "partner's" behaviours through the day, and are trying to justify and explain yourself. Such as, the example with the pram and possibility of putting the baby in the pram in the hood, or you being clumsy,and so on. Please, try finding your fighting spirit and push back on these accusations, and demand the things you need from this man and his family.
You are telling they eat and do not think about offering you food. Call him from your bedroom and tell to bring you food upstairs. You get to find your voice there.
If this man is Eastern European (by the sound of this story) , you should know Eastern European women are used to pushing back and not taking sh* as these behaviours are quite widespread.

Holy crap, I just read your post from 20:45hrs (we must have crossposted). WTAF?! This bloke is really giving me the chills.

Keep a hold of this thread. Keep it for records. Start a new one when this one finishes and keep posting. Not just for support, but also a good way for date/time stamped records. What your thoughts are on driving are imminently sensible and well thought out. You've assessed your situation, recognised shortfalls and come up with an excellent plan A for refresher lessons and a plan B for public transport. That isn't someone who is untrustworthy or not sensible or capable. You're an excellent mum.

What happened with the pram could have happened to ANY of us! How the hell has he conjured up that you might somehow LIFT a giant iCandy pram, unfolded and containing a baby, into a fucking car boot, not close boot properly and then drive off?! Is he completely insane? This twat, who doesn't know how to cook a fucking simple meal, has conjured this nonsense up to do a complete number on you. I don't know him, but I hate him. HE - as the driver - is the one who is responsible for checking everyone has seatbelt on, that all doors etc shut properly, cargo/shopping stowed safely and he needs to check mirrors/look around to make sure everything is completely clear and safe BEFORE he fucking drives off/reverses. Because, you know, that could have been a random kid on a little bike bopping along past his parked car, never mind the folded pram in the boot. But hey ho, he puts the damned blame on you to sort his own narrative.

Right, he's shown you who he is...talk to your HV and your GP. Talk to your family (or trusted friends). Hell, even talk to Women's Aid. Keep quiet about doing all that....and keep your mat leave for you and baby, sod giving any to him. Use this time to quietly take stock of your situation: get the info you need for all the logistics and then at least you have that to hand to make considered decisions further down the line...

I’m also worried for you the longer you stay the more opportunity he has to make up stories. You need to leave as soon as you can so he can’t do this lovely.

So 2 dumb men had a dumb conversation about something that couldn't possibly happen!

If the baby was in the pram then it wouldn't have been in the boot! Are they stupid?
He is gaslighted you to keep you down

Keep your confidence up OP
You are doing great.
It is not your job to worry about him or his fucking family.
He is abusive

I don’t know if there was a bloke (how much help did two adults need?!?) but I don’t believe for a moment that anyone would say that. It just makes no sense because nobody would think that a pram in a car might possibly have a baby in it in some situation.

Best case the father has anxiety about leaving the baby in anyone else’s care and instead of getting help for this, he is blaming OP.

I don’t think that’s what it is either though, I think he’s just awful, and embarrassingly unaware of anything to do with newborns or new mothers.

OP, I’m incredibly clumsy and have managed to bring up two babies to teenagerhood without any major issues. My children’s father always teases me affectionately about how clumsy I am. No one’s ever been cross with me about it that I can recall. I just have poor coordination, it’s not a sin or a sign of bad character 🤷‍♀️

Could you afford to get an Uber to go to your mum's with the baby? Could your mum transfer some money to your account to enable you to do this? Wait until he is having his precious at least six hours of uninterrupted sleep and sneak out.

He is cruel and dangerous and seems to want to deliberately push you into post-natal depression. The more he criticises and denigrates your care of your baby, the more flustered and anxious you get. You really need to escape from him.

In no way trying to doubt the validity of all this, but it is all starting to sound a bit...dramatic?? Why not just leave...immediately?? These people clearly are not on your side. Pack baby up, all documentation, IDs, paperwork that cant be replaced and just gtfo? Get a few streets away and call for a ride? If this is all true (again, not saying its all lies but its just ramping up so quickly) then run like the wind and dont look back. Call a women's shelter if thats closest option atm. PLEASE. Too many are reading this, horrified, trying to help, hoping nothing serious happens before you LEAVE

He is gaslighting you. It means he's lying about what you are doing.

Maybe have your own movie night watching this film https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight(1944film)

He may have deliberately unlocked the boot.
You are no more clumsy than anyone else.
You won't drop your baby.

Get out of this situation OP . No one can help you if you won't.

It isn't your fault your partner is so awful. But it is within your power to stop putting up with it.
Do you want your child treated by your partner as he treats you ?

You Have to Leave as you are in very great danger. Tonight if at all possible. He is Totally Abusing You. It is as if he is hitting your head against a wall. Do not let him anywhere near YOUR baby. Please Wake Up this is a very very dangerous situation.

This is not an exaggeration: Phone someone who can collect you and baby NOW. The Police for example. If you are unable to talk press 55 after dialling 999 and the operator answers.

Maybe. Maybe he is one of those fucking know it alls going around saying ‘we are pregnant’ and advising you to have a drug free birth etc. maybe he is a complete idiot showing off and needs to be put back to his box fast.

Or maybe he is not an idiot but an abusive bully who is trying to humiliate you and take over.

YOU ARE THE MOM.

If the random man did say that about thank God the baby wasn’t in the pram, I’m sure it was a tongue in cheek kind of thing. He was by no means suggesting someone who leaves a boot open so the pram falls open is also likely to have did that with a baby in the pram.
They’re completely different scenarios 🙄 and your husband knows that.

He sounds very dangerous and is playing mind games with you and trying to wear you down for some reason. Maybe so you take a shorter maternity leave.

Unfortunately some men never really accept their wives as their new family and only use women to give them babies.

So sadly it may be that he has got what he wants now and the mask is coming off.

so what are you going to do?

this is an awful read. Can you go to your mums with baby?

Did this abusive twat marry you for a visa, OP?

The man probably said nothing of the sort.

Op you may wish to set up another page to follow ok from this one then post that link in here.

do not let this nasty man damage and undermine your confidence and ability to parent. Enjoy your time with your baby.

Most prams need to be folded up before they go in the boot is he really claiming you might fold up the pram with the baby in and put the baby in the boot?!

the man that made that comment probably said that as a joke, not a warning.

can you get away from him and go to your mums for a few days?

there are lots of parents with dyspraxia and they are fine, hope this reddit thread gives you reassurance

www.reddit.com/r/dyspraxia/comments/1hhl4gh/positive_stories_of_dyspraxic_people_being_parents/

Maybe try to find your people online. There is nothing wrong with you. We all made mistakes holding the baby’s head. I once when the cat was scratching the door when I got up to shoo her away realised to my horror when I three the blanket off me it completely covered the baby. It was only for a max 5 seconds but I felt so awful and guilty. Was ultra careful after that. Every single mum has a story like that. Do not beat yourself up.

@Aristocack sweetheart, you don’t need to explain yourself to him or to us. It doesn’t matter what a random stranger said. It doesn’t matter what bs your partner is saying. Your love and care for your baby is in everything you’ve posted. You need to be with someone who will care for you while you care for baby. As per my previous post, please find a way to get to your mum’s ASAP. And also tell your HV what’s happening.
💐

OP - tomorrow, phone your midwife, explain about the bleeding still being so, so heavy. Ask her if she can have a look at your stitches (if you have any) or check you over for your recovery to make sure something was wrong. Ask your “d”P to stay downstairs with the baby whilst she does this, then tell her what is going on, including the expectation that you host his family - ask for her advice, and to be signposted to a DV charity given his behaviour is coming across controlling and coercive, but also so there is a record of his behaviour.

In the meantime, ask your mum if you can come and stay, and make plans to get there.

Hugs OP 🌸💖

I think people online really romanticise a calm and lovely “newborn bubble”. The bubble is usually overwhelming, stressful, emotional and exhausting. It’s not easy, and it’s not a fairytale.

Having said that, your partner is an absolute dick. And I have no advice on how to make your situation better than leaving him. And I know that is not practical right now.

Please go to your mums.