Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This is what I suspected. Why is his sister in your spare room, in a bed, while you are sleeping on the sofa ? OP I’m sorry but your DH has his head up his arse. Your visitors need to be kicked out - why on earth did he allow this visit so soon after you’d given birth ?

When I told partner I was having the bed as mine and baby's comfort is priority and that he had the choice of being in the bed with us or the sofa, he said that he'd have the sofa for a few hours and come up to the bedroom in in the early hours to assist us. No sign of him yet so I guess I'll just get up now. I went down at 6 to make a cup of tea and asked him if he was coming up and he just mumbled "later" at me.

OP how did you sleep? How is DH this morning and also the guests?

Let them know you’re planning on resting today with baby. Stay upstairs if you need to. This is what I did when family abroad came round - it seemed daunting because I had not been in that position before and was used to being ‘on.’ Sometimes it’s hard to separate ourselves from our old lives. They were very understanding and I wondered why I didn’t say anything sooner.

Tell DH you don’t want to introduce a bottle and it’s your choice. Other cultures have different expectations - as mentioned previously, my in laws (French) were flabbergasted that we weren’t introducing a bottle as that is much more normal there (due to very short maternity leaves!). I just explained that we were in England, raising our half English baby in England and as the mother I have the final say. Use this time to stick up for yourself. But thinking of you, 2 weeks is no time at all postpartum.

I’d like to know why her DH has allowed his sister to take the only spare bed in the house while he’s making OP sleep on the sofa, so he gets his straight six hours sleep. He sounds like a total arsehole and is clearly woefully unprepared for fatherhood if he thinks he’s entitled to prioritise his own sleep while he’s on paternity leave. FFS !!

Op needs to gtfo of there asap

Leave him to get on with it OP. And let him see to his guests. Your priorities here are you and your baby.

Also cousins staying for 3 nights just after she's given birth!! So not even siblings. The whole thing is insane. They sound incredibly stupid.

Totally agree

Good, stand up for yourself and your baby. You're in the right and he's in the wrong. Don't let him gaslight you to think it's the other way round. Set your boundaries firmly but in a calm voice to avoid escalation

Some men are so unprepared for fatherhood. If it was me (but understand if you’re not comfortable), put the baby next to him (on a playmat) and say you’re going for a shower / going for a nap / making food etc. Say baby has just been fed so will be fine for at least 30 minutes. He is a father too. If he complains, be as loud as possible pottering around, go and wake up the ‘guests’ and state that they need to go and babysit the baby as you need 30 mins to yourself. Make it clear that DH won’t as he is refusing as he’s asleep.

He wanted you to sleep on the sofa in the living room with the baby while his cousin and her boyfriend slept in the dining room and he slept alone in your bed?

Honestly this is actually psychological torture, he is being insanely cruel.

It's madness. The only person I would allow to stay is a close female family member, who's already had children and is there to help as much as possible - mum, sister, SIL, MIL, aunt etc

It sounds like he is trying to unsettle or unnerve you, are the guests going out during the day or are they constantly there?

Who the fook does this sh!t to a new mother.

If my male friend or cousin, brother asked me to come stay id say no. Unless strugggling, then id be playing maid.and helping.

Im so sorry op

However... you have autonomy. Say youre overwhelmed, pack a bag and gtfo till theyve gone. You can be polite about it.

Honestly you will be relieved once gone and get some headapace to think clearly.

Clearly being selfish and tone deaf runs in his family.

This is all well and good until you're with an abuser. The level of punishment I would have suffered for doing this. You're telling her to actively challenge him in front of his own family. You think he's going to take that with grace?

Sorry but that is absolutely crazy that you have 3 adult visitors in a 2-bed house with a newborn baby. I assumed it was parents or parents in law. I mean who even has their cousin and partner stay that long - let alone when the baby is so tiny. I think he is treating paternity leave as a holiday. It’s not appropriate at all for him to invite these people over for overnight stays while you are leaking, bleeding & recovering. I don’t think he is prioritising you & the baby at all.

I can’t fathom why a husband would prioritise anyone over his own wife and their new baby like this - his sister was sleeping in the only spare bed while OP was on the sofa taking care of the baby. His family sound as bad as he is, and I’m afraid I would be insisting on them leaving.

Domestic abuse victim here. I was also coercively controlled by a friend. Both exDP and exfriend were very kind to me while they were abusing me. I think they were trying to assuage their guilt.

My domestic abuse started a few weeks after the birth of DC1 - this is a common trigger. With hindsight, exDP didn’t like the fact that DC1 took his spot as the centre of attention.

I also posted on here and the majority of people told me I was being abused. I did not believe them. 20 years later, I told my lovely and very experienced GP about it, she also told me I was being abused and it took me 6 months to take it in.

Of course your one incident is not necessarily abuse but it sounds extremely concerning. You need a pattern of behaviour to be sure. Please tell your health visitor or GP.

Either hes being lazy or punishing you for wanting to do things your way last night.

This system seems rough on you and all that pumping when the baby is just 2 weeks is clearly messing with your supply. So much faff too! It might be worth speaking to a breastfeeding expert about it? You can call the national breastfeeding helpline or your midwife or a local breastfeeding supporter could talk it over with you? You are doing great!

Agree with this.

The fact he wanted 6 hours sleep when he’s on paternity leave is a bloody joke. What’s wrong with him! And putting his wife on a sofa. I would never forgive him for this. I’d tell him you need all the relatives to leave. They can find a premier inn.

This- his wife was on a sofa while relatives are in the other beds! They shouldn’t even be there. How did none of them say anything

Good for you OP. You have done well to assert yourself. Do not be gaslit and continue as you mean to go on. As others have said watch out for and be aware of a pattern of behaviour from him.

As for the visitors, they either have hide like rhinos, or they are colluding with him to gaslight you and make your life miserable. What visitors would be happy to invade your space, sleep in your spare beds and hover around demanding bottles and the like when a newborn is around. It sounds like a horror movie.

Congratulations on the baby and hope you enjoy lots of hassle free cuddles from now on. Keep the faith and don't give in.

I am very concerned that you think that you are overreacting OP. Most people on this site think that this situation is wrong. I am left wondering why you can't see that your partner and his relatives are being selfish 🤔 I am concerned that you have been treated like this by your partner for so long that you think this is just a minor transgression on his part.

Please get some help and support from a professional (health visitor or GP for example) and your family. This is not normal behaviour from your partner and his family and you should not be fighting to be treated with compassion and respect. PLEASE get some help.