To be fed up with DH being permanently miserable?

[nnbl]

We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.

The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.

I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.

And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.

I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?

I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.

I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”

AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?

So the OP should fuck him if she wants him to engage in family life?

There is no bigger turn off than being with a man child who doesnt grow up and having to take all the mental load over a period of time. So in these situations the sex might dwindle eventually but that is only because the men are not contributing to the relationship in other areas and it leads to resentment so women start to distance emotionally from the relationship. They dont suddenly become super dad/partner if they get more sex. They start getting less sex because they are crap dad/partner already.

He is addicted to his phone by the sounds of it

if he is tired - he can tired without his phone

That sounds miserable for you. My partner and I have been full on with work for as long as we've been together, though I set up my own business to get more control of my travel requirements. We cook as a family, eat every night at the dinner table, maybe watch one TV show, and talk, drink, tell jokes, play games... basically I'm saying there is no reason working should sap you of joy for your family/partner. Indeed, those times are the high point of my day and my energy (well, those and S..X obviously ; )

Genuinely struggles my arse. It's avoidance incompetence.

How absolutely pathetic that he hasn't learned how to deal with his own children.

I take it you're a man?

Just go out and don't answer the texts. Leave him to it.
Honestly?
He's checked out. He's not arsed in you, the kids or your marriage.

💯

I can see why you don’t have children if you think 9-6 is particularly long hours. As you don’t have children, you honestly have no idea of the kind of resentment this shit drives. Death knell of any marriage.

If women have to do ALL the parenting while the other parent to their kids lies around whinging and being a miserable git to her and their shared kids, they might get grumpy too, and they may also lose any urge to have sex with the useless lump.

FFS 🙄

This sounds like one of those men who liked the idea of a family & wanted the image of a good family man but the reality is not all it cracked up to be & actually it’s boring and frustrating for him. So now is using weaponised incompetence to get out of being a parent. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is having affair or will start one at some point. And if you do split up, he’ll absolutely get his parents to look after them on his time and quickly find another woman to step in and take your place while acting like Disney dad in meantime. Had one of these and now they’re an ex.

It's 9-6 in the office plus commute, that's pretty long hours.
If you are so outraged at the idea 9-6 are long working hours (5 hours a week above average) then why did you have children? It's no secret children are a 24 hour a day 365 days a year job, I knew it and didn't have children, you knew it and did, trying to make that someone else's problem really doesn't wash.
Who would really be surprised at the idea as a SAHM the OP takes the vast majority of the load children wise? If you let that drive resentment then you are not going to have a happy relationship- no matter who is on the other end of it.

He's going to want as little contact on his own as possible. Even if his mum helped him in the day, how would he cope overnight?? He'd not bother to have all the things he needs for the children. I reckon he might have them one day a week if you're lucky.

Rip off the plaster and enjoy your DC on your own. You only get one life. You'll all be better off without him.

Well this is what you need to work on. You need to be less available.

i would suggest you go back to work part time tbh. He needs to see you have choices and option. At the moment he thinks he can treat you as a service provider rather than a partner

Most children’s football is mixed sex nowadays

Yes I know. My post said

If your 5 YO is a girl and not interested in football, sign-up to ballet classes.

I’m just making suggestions to get H out of the house on Saturday morning to boost his mood and partake in family life.

Nit-picking is not necessary!

If you are so outraged at the idea….then why did you have children?

Can you expand this argument? It makes absolutely no sense ATM.

Also, I’m not making my child someone else’s problem. Much of your post makes little sense TBH and is also fairly misogynistic.

Cooking for ones self, or two adults competent and capable of feeding themselves or not bothering should they fancy an apple and a piece of cheese instead, and cooking for a family with children for 18 years plus are two completely incomparable situations.

People with dependent children have experienced both sides of the coin and are well able to describe the difference.

My mother hated cooking when she had children and complained about all the time, then when it was just her and her husband and she still complained about it- but she eulogised everything about when the children were small, despite having really hated it at the time.
She found it impossible to be objective, and in my experience most people with children struggle with objectivity where there the children are concerned.

I would want to know what's happening in that phone

Maybe her husband was similar to OPs

I don’t want to catastrophise but you need to sit down with him and have a very serious conversation. You need to make it clear the current arrangements aren’t working, and he needs to change, and that if that doesn’t happen, it’s going to threaten the relationship. Currently this is only going in one direction and that’s divorce; you need to arrest the decline now, or at least attempt to do so.

I have to say, he sounds a shit father and husband who seems to get no enjoyment from spending time with his family. It’s not looking good.

Hi OP! 👋
I havent rtft, just your replies.

I would be VERY tempted to leave him alone with the children when his parents visit, and say thanks guys I will go and get a manicure/meet friends for coffee/hair appontment or whatever and leave a list for him that they all can see (feed the baby and child at lunchtime/keep them alive thanks) 😆

The Disney dad can perform solo, with his parents for a few hours! And you get a much needed break. He will be less likely to message you for help while his parents are present (pride /ego etc). 🕺

Best of luck OP
@nnbl

@Laurmolonlabearen’t you child free?

yeah you have NO IDEA.