To be fed up with DH being permanently miserable?

[nnbl]

We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.

The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.

I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.

And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.

I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?

I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.

I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”

AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?

Exactly this - he might not feel there's a problem, but you (quite rightly) do, so that has to be addressed, not ignored. If nothing else, if you decide at any point it's over I think it's a good idea for your own peace of mind to have tried everything you can to save the marriage. If he won't engage, that's on him.

My ex-DH was an absolute misery at times, and I insisted he either get support for what turned out to be mild depression (and that I would support him in every way I could), or I was done. Unfortunately he wouldn't contemplate marriage counselling either, and part of his solution was taking an awful lot of drugs with sex workers, but once I discovered this and left him he was suddenly very open the idea of joint counselling. This is only my story and so might not be relevant to you, but I'm happier without him, and he got a giant kick up the backside and is a much better father now.

While I think there does need to be compromise, I think you’re a bit unreasonable to say a 9-6 full time job in the city isn’t demanding. Even if it’s just sitting at a desk all day it’s still mentally exhausting and I presume he has a commute too. I’m not suprised he’s tired. Have you thought about meeting him in the middle? Let him have some quiet days or do stuff at home with the kids. Then get him to plan a ‘day out’ once a month or something?

I also know it’s not easy being at home with kids all the time and of course you’d like some support and enthusiasm from him on his days off. But don’t diminish what he does or it just becomes competitive misery.

How useful is your inheritance to him?
I would speak to a divorce solicitor and work out how you could manage alone, where you would live, how the share of money would work - there is a chance he waltzes off with half of your inheritance? Then how would you manage. It's hard to have a serious discussion about the future if you haven't weighed up all the possibilities. So can you afford to separate and divorce? How would he take that? Will he magically change into an interested partner? But first work out the possiblities.
i think i would visit a maarriage counsellor alone initially - see what advice they have then see if he would go with you

it sounds like you need to have a discussion with him about the disengaging impact of phone scrolling in front of the children when he should be giving them (and you) more attention. When he is not at work. Remind him their childhood is short. He needs to actively and direct engagement with children's activities , what they are doing at school helping with homework/trading and proactively arranging at least one family day out every month, AND as a SAHM, you need to negotiate some regular Me time,

Would he for example take the children swimming or to the park or to play centre. Etc while you had a relaxing half day spa day with a friend ? Or could you go away for a girls weekend when his parents come to visit?

Basically, he's still attached to his parents, in a very unhealthy way.

He doesn't see the family you have together as his primary family. He doesn't see the relationship he has with you as his primary relationship.

You need marriage counseling.

It's not easy being at home all the time...
(Hollow laughter...)

The man himself says the job is chilled. He has plenty of energy when the time comes to impress the people he actually cares about.

This is not a problem caused by the OP and it's not one the OP can cure.

What a complete idiot your DH is!! He's just choosing to opt out of parenting - he knows you'll pick up the slack!
I think it's time to read him the riot act and how things are going to change.
Maybe get him to the GP to just check everything is fine health-wise (just to rule out that excuse).
He maybe overwhelmed (no excuse but maybe some understanding!) so needs some direction as to what to do rather than cutting himself off by being on his phone.
Firstly, his phone is away - he has a set short time he can check it, but otherwise it's out of reach.
He has a set house related activity he does every evening.
He has a set interaction with each child every night ie bath time/stories/a quiet game.
He organises a family day out once a month.
If he's not going to do this, or engage in marriage guidance, then you go on strike. You do everything that's needed for yourself and the children and he has to sort out his own food, washing etc.
He has to know you are serious that the way things are at the moment isn't going to continue. It's not a good example to set your children allowing dad to just opt out!
I've had to do similar with my DH. He can be quite hands on with the children when he chooses but he leaves a lot to me. (Even though I'm severely disabled!) It's really hard but little by little it's making a difference. I've got my voice back and I feel more empowered and stronger by being able to say, I'm not happy about.........and I am not going to carry on as things are. We're definitely not out of the woods yet!

Not sure I’d think this is a marriage worth saving.

If finances are not a concern, what’s keeping you together? Your kids don’t need this as a family life role model.

@AlphaAppleafter the first we obviously only had the one so it was very manageable for me to do everything and with a small baby we did do a lot of restaurants / galleries / meeting friends. He absolutely hated the phase where she wouldn’t sit and needed chasing in restaurants. At playgrounds he’s always been the “what’s after this” type after about 10 minutes. When we’d go to feed ducks or something with just 1 (same as with 2) he’ll very quickly suggest heading home - “well, we’ve fed them now… home? Urgh why do we need to stay out? I thought we just came to feed the ducks”

But that version of him is good enough for you and his children?

He clearly is a bare minimum dad.
I would say he is completely checked out and your marriage will not survive.
Get back to work.
Also start leaving him every weeek with the children so you have proof on your phone that he hates looking after his children.

Start telling family that he is a Jekel & Hyde character that puts on a show for an audience.

Your poor children.

The honest reason I don’t want to divorce is mainly kids. I know that a) because everyone’s (his parents, friends, neighbours, colleagues…) opinion matters so much to him and b) to spite me, he’d push for shared custody , maybe EOW. From what I know of him he’d invite his parents over so his mum could do the parenting and they’d actually go to fun places. Or he’d keep them at home bored all weekend. I’d miss them and I would just hate it. A girls’ night every once in a while after which I return home to my 2 sleeping babies? The dream. Consistently having my kids taken away from me for an entire weekend EOW? My nightmare.

The fact he changes when his parents are there would really piss me off. Very unpleasant and showing you how he feels about you.

I feel for you OP. I feel my husband is very similar, perhaps not so grumpy but seems to want to be looking at his phone most of the weekend and seems to find family life a chore. Can be lovely in lots of other ways though so I feel as if I've just accepted that he's turned out to be a bit of a disappointing husband and father in some ways

It's hard if he isn't prepared to engage with you to change. What I find really worrying, in terms of your marriage, is that he doesn't care that you hate it. That and I’m fully myself around you and I don’t need to try to entertain you by which actually means, I can take you for granted now.

I would try doing a lot more leaving him with the kids at the weekend. I mean for 4 - 8 hours every single weekend. Do some interesting things yourself. If he complains, tell him you're happy to do stuff with him and the kids if he wants to come up with stuff to do, but you aren't being the only parent at the weekend too and you're sick of sitting inside.

If that gets him geared up great. I can't see other leverage so if that doesn't work, I think you need to reconsider the relationship.

@AmnesiacDream
Because he genuinely struggles with looking after both of them at once. It’s not a case of me refusing to let him do it.
If the baby cries he panics and then gets annoyed when the 5yo carries on behaving like a 5yo because he needs her to be completely independent while he’s dealing with the baby. He gets very flappy and overwhelmed if anything is going any less than perfectly (when is anything perfect and 100% as per plan with 2 kids…) He also wouldn’t take them out by himself, even though the park is literally a 10 minute walk away. So it’s not like he’s going to take them off for an afternoon and get them out and about.

I’m actually going out for an event in a couple of weeks and will be out from 5pm until after bedtime, so he’ll be doing bedtime for both of them. He’s already stressing about it and asking me to make sure they’re ready for an early bedtime that day. He’s even asked whether the 1yo really needs dinner or whether he can just have milk before bed if I give him a big lunch.

So yes, I could “leave him more”, but I think people are imagining a level of confidence and competence with the two kids that just isn’t there at the moment. And part of the problem is that I don’t want to spend the whole time beforehand reassuring him and planning everything so that he can manage it. If I leave him for even 1-2 hours he acts as if I’ve left him with this ridiculous task, when will I be back, how is he meant to handle 2, something hasn’t gone to plan, our 5yo is horrible and so bad mannered, 1yo is moody because he only wants boobs so surely my husband can’t be expected to look after him.

The only way he's going to get better is to leave him too it. Most parents struggle with two at once at first. Over time they gain the tools. Unless you think he would be an actual danger to them, they don't need perfect parenting 24/7. 4 to 8 hours a week of sub par but not actually unsafe parenting would be fine.

Do not plan things for him. No one planned things for you when you started did they? You worked it out. He can too.

Edit to add - The worse he is with them, the more time he needs.

Kids are hard work. And can be dull. When he’s with you and the kids he can just be himself and not try to impress anyone.
What is he like if it’s just the two of you?

If you are going to stay (and I understand the reasons why) you are either going to have to go grey rock on him and be married-but-not-married under the same roof or get him to marriage counselling.

The psychological toll on you to live like this for another 10-15 years is insane. These are your prime years and you are spending them with a dickhead.

But the kids suffer in the meantime while he is failing to parent them. He is grumpy and not nice to them. Shouting at them? Not bothering to give them proper meals?

You need to get out and find your own class, interests, friend catch up and leave him to look after the children. You’re making it too easy for him.

@nnblsounds like you need to help him grow a pair and either snap out of his current awful ways of being or decide his family setup isn’t for him. No-one in a serious job can be that incompetent with kids or emotionally useless without realising it, meaning he just mustn’t care.

Ask his parents to come over and help for that night.

What is the rest of his family like? Coping with life or not? Were the parents domineering or needy?

Op there’s no nice way to say this but it’s easy to say he’s not stressed by finances and not tired by work if you stay at home- I thought that too. It turned out he hated being sole provider, thought I had it easy (to be fair men mostly think this, now I’m ft he still says he’s the hard job), and hated the monotony of life (To be fair I get it now!!)