To be fed up with DH being permanently miserable?

[nnbl]

We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.

The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.

I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.

And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.

I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?

I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.

I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”

AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?

I don’t think it’s wise for people like this to have children TBH.

Presumably you both chose to make these two children? He can’t just turn around now and say he doesn’t want to be a parent.

He’s a lazy fucker and he’s all about the public image. He’ll put that above any genuine concern about you or the kids.

If he’s allowed out for beers or dinner then so are you; he cannot reasonably complain about putting HIS KIDS to bed and then being in the house with them.

i understand why you wouldn’t want to separate, but I don’t see this improving unless you make changes you can control, namely forcing him to learn to parent them so that you can have a life outside the home, and treating him like a teenager otherwise (“Brian, we’re off to the farm, do you want to come? No? Fine, you can sort dinner then for 6pm, there’s stuff to make bolognaise in the fridge. See you around four.”)

You need to leave him to manage with both of them more often. He's their dad a d he needs to learn. You had to learn. You didn't know how to do everything. You got it right, wrong and winged it like the rest of us. Stop letting him. Use weaponised incompetence against you. Start small and go out 2 hours and build up to a weekend away. You need to be a person in your own right outside of being a mum and a wife. He needs to learn to parent his own kids. I only ever go out once every 3 months. I have no life. H did not much by the way of parenting or household stuff. Although, ive pushed for him to do more be6he was taking the piss. Anyway, recently I got sick. I was admitted to hospital and it was a close call. Apparently, he has a new found respect for what I do now he had to do it himself. He realises I dont get biscuits all day. He now knows what days the kids have PE and there teachers names. He also realises what goes into joking after 2 ND kids. Realistically, did he do it to my standards? No. But, he kept them alive and the house clean. I could have died and instead of doing it for a week plus recovery time, im not allowed to lift more than 10lbs for the next 6 weeks, he could have been raising 2 kids alone indefinitely.

They "suffer" (hyperbole much?) when mums are learning how to parent too. They will suffer a lot more if they don't end up with two capable parents, and this is the only way to get there.

Usually both are responsible in a couple dynamic where one is disconnected, lazy, too hands off, it means the other is hyper functioning. I agree with PP, you need to delegate more to him and encourage him to take responsibility. Stop doing it all.

@nnbl yes, this is a problem. Not sure why you went on to have child number 2 with him but hey ho.

Okay here’s my suggestion. Depending on if your 5 YO is girl or boy I suppose. Find a football club to sign the 5 YO up to. These usually train on Saturday mornings and matches on Sunday as they progress. Give the role of taking your 5 YO to his training. He’ll then be out early in the fresh air to watch the training, this should boost his mood.

If your 5 YO is a girl and not interested in football, sign-up to ballet classes. These start very early on Sat mornings too. Whilst inside, your H can still watch and he’s up and out early which should lift his mood. You could be ready with baby when they return and ALL head straight to the park together. Back for lunch, then chill in the afternoon.

Getting him out of the house first thing in Sat morning is key to improving this situation.

Could anyone else babysit the kids while you go out? I know you probably don’t want to but I think time away from home will help you in many ways

Did he want children? It sounds as though he's hoping you'll just wake him up when it's all over and they've left home!

Jesus Christ, Could you be anymore sexist

He sounds like a teenager. Marriage counselling however skilled the therapist is only going to "work" if both parties are equally invested in change. This man isn't at all invested in any change whatsoever, and can turn his enthusiasm and social battery on and off like a switch it would seem. At the root of this is his entitlement. He feels entitled to a wife, and a family and a family life, without lifting a finger to meet you there. He is happy for you to carry all this and keep the show on the road, so he is comfortable and has what he wants around him.

I know OP that you don't want to divorce and be at risk of sharing care with this waste of space of a man, and that is fair enough.

I would in that case set yourself up as a single parent within the appearance of a marriage for now. Do what you would do if you were divorced, so that might be increase your support system, find other mums who are also doing it alone to hang out with. I can bet that you're lonelier in this marriage than you would be outside of it. And it's not just about Girls Nights Out, your DC are watching the pattern playing out, and as well as wonder why Daddy doesn't give a shit about hanging out with them, or supporting Mummy as they get older and more astute, they are likely to go out and recreate what you're showing them as an example of a relationship for themselves in the future. Note that you said his Mum would look after the kids on his weekends. Not his parents. He's learned this from somwhere. Things to think about there are what you're modeling for them and how you can tweak that without divorcing him, you can't change his behaviour only your own.

Yeah, that's a pretty disgusting thing to recommend

I was trying to be helpful. Son could do ballet if he wants too but it’s unlikely.

I’m sure he is a very competent man, capable of doing all sorts of clever things at work. Looking after 2 children for a short amount of time is not beyond him. Of course it will feel hard if he never has to do it.

I would start by doing one weekly activity (exercise class / gym / see a friend / whatever) and just make it part of the routine so the kids expect it. They will settle better for him as he keeps doing it.

You really can’t be expected to never leave the house without them.

TBH 9-6 with a commute at each end is pretty long hours.
You are at home then I don't think you should straw polling what is for dinner- you should already decided and moved towards getting it ready by the time he comes home. As to disengagement with family life I can't really advise, as we don't have children- I would definitely challenge him about the difference i n the level of engagement when his parents visit though.

I totally empathise OP. My exH was just like this when our DDs were young. It was like living under a dark cloud the entire time. I carried the entire mental and physical load of raising our children and maintaining our house. Any activities or holidays were because I planned them. And motivating him to be involved in family life was like pushing a giant rock up a hill. Continually. I tried couples therapy but ultimately I didn’t want to be that role models for my DDs. It takes two parents to make a happy family. And an equal amount of effort.

My ex was very much like this. No-one realised as he was the life and soul when out with friends and family but it was all an act unfortunately 😔

I divorced him 2 years ago, and he left the country so I'm doing everything now. Still don't regret it as its so draining living with someone like that.

There is nothing quite as oppressive as the role of deciding what the fuck is for dinner every single day of your life. Whether you meal.plan and shop once a week or shop once a week and decide what to make daily, it's a bloody horrible chore on top of the million and two things that occupy your brain when you're taking care of two completely dependent human beings, and it is nice to have the input of the person you're cooking for.

Kindly, if you do not have small children in your care daily, you do not really appreciate how little headspace they leave you for decisions about dinner. They interrupt your thoughts constantly, and it is mentally exhausting.

It's 2026 now.

Next time he starts flapping and panicking, put your hands on your hips, stand up straight, and through clenched teeth tell him he needs to man up.

Do not waste your energy on this pathetic third child of yours. Do not pander. He is trying to make you cancel your event.

Tell him you expect him to have learned how to manage the children from his many hours on the couch watching you do it all. Tell him he can practice managing the children before your event if he really wants to succeed, and if you arrive home from your event and find the children have not been fed an evening meal and put to bed at their normal bedtime there will be hell to pay.

Sounds like he is unhappy with family life.

In all honesty, it sounds like he just doesn’t really love being a parent and doing parent things for the kids, such as zoos. That’s why he’s fine going to football, was fine when he dated you, is fine when there’s guests. He just CBA to pretend so he sits there on his phone being dull and calls it being his true self with you. His true self means he shows his apathy. Unfortunately, your kids will see it soon if they haven’t already noticed. He needs a kick up the arse. He chose to have a family so he better start acting like a husband and father. Only single men get to lounge on the sofa all day in a world of their own!

I think he's checked out of family life,
( maybe he never checked in), he's happy to work and provide but doesn't want to parent. Decide whether you're happy to put up with this, because I can't see any way to force him to take part

OP, just be mindful, standard advice on Mumsnet is to get rid. As if everything suddenly gets very rosy. I do appreciate you are financially secure. However, in the case of divorce you are going to sacrifice every other weekend and a few weeks a year on holidays away from your children. Plus you will be splitting every Christmas between yourself and your husband. And you will never quite get your husband out of your life because you have children together. Would you want it?

I think the secret to every good marriage is to be able to look at what part you are playing in the story of your life

I hope it helps

My life, DD's and my ex DH (who I am friends with, despite everything) are all happy now we have split up

Thankfully we live in enlightened times where you don't need to put up with a miserable life for the sake of not rocking the boat

I hope that helps more than advice from the poster who was suggesting extreme misogyny before they were deleted