To be fed up with DH being permanently miserable?

[nnbl]

We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.

The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.

I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.

And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.

I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?

I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.

I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”

AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?

@outerspacepotato
its not always just “I’m tired”. It’s every excuse to not leave the sofa “it’s too hot outside” “it’s too cold outside”, “my hay fever is bad”, “I’m just reading something”, “the kids will be tired in a few hours”, “I might be getting a cold” (9/10 times doesn’t after saying this), “I’ve got a random backache”, “I didn’t sleep well”.

I guess there are of course bits of parenting that are not enjoyable but if we spend the whole time whining and lounging about, kids will inevitably get cabin fever, bored, not enough energy burnt… so it’ll be even worse.

he doesn’t have any “hobbies” as such but he does see his friends for beers after work or for dinner if they’re non work friends.

he wouldn’t consider marriage counselling.

My ex was like this. He had checked out months ago. Family life wasn’t for him. He couldn’t admit that, to himself or me, and it’s steadily worse.

@StandingDeskDisco it’s a huuuuuge deal to him if I want to go anywhere without kids. I got a manicure done at home a few weeks ago, he was left managing the children for 2 hours and spent the whole time texting me (remember, it’s a manicure…) “urgh” “I can’t do this” “how long will this be?” and when I said it’s another hour… “HOUR?! Don’t even joke like that, how long actually?”.

if I leave him with just the baby, I turn around and he’s on his phone whilst the baby just plays by himself. If baby cries, my husband will say his name a few times, wiggle a toy and go back to his phone. Then, a few hours later, when he isn’t solo with the baby and just has to hold him for half a minute it’s “aww isn’t he the best? I love him so much. He’s my favourite little man. Brings so much joy”

I had this with my ex husband. In front of his dad or family he was performance parenting our dc. Always had energy for watching the footy. At home just a black miserable void. He’s choosing not to be an equal partner and opting out. My solution was divorce, obvs that may not be possible for you, but keep an eye on your own wellbeing. My ex was dragging me down to be as negative as him. He was a life sucker and a user. Now he sees the kids once on a weekend 3 times a month, and me and the dc are all calmer and happier when it’s just us with plenty of energy

its not always just “I’m tired”. It’s every excuse to not leave the sofa “it’s too hot outside” “it’s too cold outside”, “my hay fever is bad”, “I’m just reading something”, “the kids will be tired in a few hours”, “I might be getting a cold” (9/10 times doesn’t after saying this), “I’ve got a random backache”, “I didn’t sleep well”.

So he's Downer Dan. Ugh. My sympathy, that sounds miserable to live with.

I'd give communication a last chance and really open up about what you see. He's got a really nice life that he doesn't seem the least bit grateful for or even enjoy. If that doesn't to give him a wakeup, and he won't go see professional support, there's not really much you can do. Do you think he would hp for depression screening? If you can't live with a miserable cloud hanging on the sofa always with a reason to do nothing instead of participating in family life, I'd take steps to separate. Sorry.

He's totally checked out of the marriage. The common denominator here is you, unfortunately. Maybe an affair, but more likely doesn't care about you anymore but hasn't brought himself to leave yet.

Do what you want with that realization. But don't kid yourself that it's just his personality.

Yep, this was my life. I thank God daily that I was able to be free.

Ex-H has not changed, which I find reassuring - I watched him be a lovely boyfriend at first to a really great woman.. but it has since finished, after the initial days of exciting trips away etc. I wonder if it’s because he started showing the real him. It’s hard when the children go to his and they come home sad or upset because he’s treated them like that but at least I can offer them a positive and loving and happy home away from it now. It almost drained the life out of me trying to do it against his constant negativity and apathy. If you can leave, I’d advise it.

This is good advice.
Whether he’s having an affair or he’s just a manchild who thought it would be weekend breaks and fancy restaurants forever I don’t know, but I like the ideas for weekends.

Can you tell him he’s at risk of throwing it all away unless he bucks himself up?

dh and I are like this and we both have autism, our dc also have autism. Dh works full time and can just about manage to mask for work but when he gets home he’s exhausted and needs time to be completely alone, scroll on his phone and relax. I am the same (I don’t work due to health issues so I tend to have more time to myself but I would be very grumpy and disconnected if I worked full time as I have done in the past). This doesn’t excuse being grumpy / miserable but some people really do just need a lot of their own time to relax. It might also explain why he’s able to effectively put on a front for his parents but struggles to keep that up the rest of the time. It’s difficult though because when you have little children (ours are now young adults) you do need to make time for them and to be doing nice things with them but when you work full time and carry the mental load of that too that can seem like another mountain to climb. I’m not saying he’s right behaving like this but I think many people can empathise.

Oh no, no. This isn't a partner, he's not a good dad. He liked the idea of it, but the reality isn't for him and he's just coasting along letting you do all the heft.

I would be very straight with him, that you're not interested one bit in spending the next fifty years with a man who is so completely disengaged with the family he was equally responsible for creating, so he might like to tell you what is going on for him behind this lack of interest, and give some thought to how he can lean in, while you'll be considering your options over the next few months.

He finds kids boring. Probably just that.

Would he realise he was missing out if you all went out every weekend without him? And next time his parents come stay at home yourself (you are surely getting a cold) and do something for yourself

He sounds like he’s checked out of family life. Do you love each other? Do anything together?

Ask him why it’s okay for you and the children to have the miserable days he doesn’t want his parents to have when they visit. Tell him that he needs to attach the same priority to you and his children. Make it very clear that if he’s not prepared to make an effort you see no future with him. If you don’t see results, you know what to do.

Well, he doesn’t sound depressed for me he sounds selfish and lazy. He obviously liked the “nice” sides of your relationship but not the responsibility of it. And he clearly doesn’t care about what you think and what kids and you feel as he only does performative parenting for others.
I think you need to start leaving him with children more as was advised by PPs. I would start leaving him with the eldest more. I don’t know if it’s safe to leave him with the youngest. (I can’t believe I’m writing it about a parent)
I would also remind him jokingly that even in case of divorce he would still have parental responsibilities. But I would keep it as my last argument.

@nnbl He obviously doesn't enjoy being a family man. Did he want children? Was it properly discussed between you? I agree with @wizzywig that he finds kids (and the life that comes with it) boring. If so then you're unlikely to change him.

He sounds depressed

I wish this wasn't true but a lot of people (mostly men though I also know a woman who left her marriage for this reason) find family life unenjoyable, particularly when the kids are little. My husband was a bit like this for a few years, though nothing like as bad as yours. He found the drudgery and grind of parenting tiring and boring. He also found me less interesting as a tired out mum.

It was frustrating and I didn't let him get away with it although the trade off was that he took over more of the cooking and all of the laundry. He got more interested and involved once they were older but it still annoys me when I think of it. It was hardly as if hanging around soft play and the park was scintillating for me.

@Membrill0he says it’s because there’s nothing stopping us 3 from going and having fun in the park / days out but he knows with his parents I wouldn’t plan anything and wouldn’t really involve them in a day out

Tell him the concerns he has about his parents’ visit are exactly those you feel with him every day. How would he like it 365/365? Put him on the spot.

I’d make it clear he either becomes the husband and father his parents see, and be sincere, or he’s on a one way ticket out of your life. Mean it. Implement it. He’s in a family, in a team, is not a stand-alone but if that’s what he wants you’ll oblige.

He's bored by the kids. And possibly you. It's fairly obvious.

I'm sorry, and I'm not defending him in any way but it's clear from your post where you say he doesn't want to look after them for you to go anywhere, or that when left with the baby he wiggles a toy briefly then sits on his phone.

I've got some sympathy, in that being forced to spend every weekend with a 1 year old and a 5 year old would get on my tits massively. I can't think of anything more boring, and I'd want to stay in bed, lie on the sofa, scroll, make excuses and do anything rather than traipse round an animal farm or a soft play area. Particularly after a week at work.

Unfortunately, that's not an option when you are a parent, and you've chosen to have two kids. He needs to suck it up, accept that weekends with small kids are boring and about entertaining them and then deal with it. Make it clear you can divide up the time so that you each get some childfree hours, that you each take turns to plan that weekend's activity and that you need to be engaged with it when doing so. Tell him to put his fucking phone away when he's on child duty.

And hope that he finds them more interesting as they get older. Or leave now.

This behaviour just gets worse in my experience. The need to nap in particular 😭

Mine is the same. Can’t be arsed to put any effort into the family unless it’s performative for someone else’s benefit.

It’s got to the point now where if I have a day out the kids are begging me not to leave them with him. They say this openly in front of him. I worry we will all end up hating him.

Yet he manages to do everything when his parents are over or if he is going for drinks with his mates. You can’t just switch depression on and off. He’s not depressed he’s hiding from the drudgery of parenting and leaving the OP to do everything!

He's not permanently miserable though. He's perfectly able to consider the needs of his parents when they visit.

I think if he has no plans to change you might be better without him in your house.

I have a horrid feeling if you did divorce he'd be loads of fun with his new girlfriend in the manner of his performance when his parents visit. He just can't be bothered to do any of that when it's just you or the kids.

You sound great. I would very, very rarely suggest this but would you be happier if he's gone? Could you have a trial separation where he moves out for a bit? He'll either realise what he's giving up or you'll realise what you're getting rid of.

This sucking the fun out of things and not bothering will not get better as he ages, OP. So sorry.