We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.
The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.
I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.
And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.
I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?
I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.
I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”
AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?