To be fed up with DH being permanently miserable?

[nnbl]

We’re both late 30s, he’s healthy, no medical conditions, and has a fairly undemanding 9-6 city job. Well paid, not particularly physical or stressful from what I can tell. I’m a SAHM with a 5yo and 1yo, so obviously I do more around the house/kids, although he does help and I’m not saying he does nothing.

The issue is that every evening and pretty much every weekend he just wants to lie on the sofa, scroll on his phone and barely talk. He says he’s tired. There is very little conversation unless I start it and I feel like I’m doing 90% of the work of keeping the atmosphere in the house alive.

I’m constantly the one saying shall we go to the zoo, shall we do this at the weekend, what shall we have for dinner, getting the kids ready, asking them about their day, asking DH about his day etc. If I don’t do it, we’ll basically all sit around on our phones. Even once we get the the zoo (park / museum / anywhere) he acts like the objective is to just get around the zoo and being there is a chore. With a 5yo and 1yo, I don’t think you can just opt out of family life every weekend.

And the weird thing is, I know he’s capable of being completely different. I don’t particularly like his parents, so when they come over (once every couple of months) I don’t really take the initiative to entertain them. I don’t organise things, I’m not making loads of conversation etc. And DH knows this. Yet when his parents are here he suddenly becomes Mr Sociable. He’s chatty, asks them loads of questions, tells stories, suggests things to do, gets the kids involved, tells them about his week etc. If they come for the day he’ll be like “right, I’ve got tickets for the farm, shall we go?” and is generally upbeat and engaged. Then they leave and he’s straight back on the sofa with his phone.

I’ve mentioned this to him and he says he’s not miserable, that’s just his personality and I’m more upbeat than him. But surely there’s a difference between being naturally quiet and basically opting out of family life unless someone else keeps things moving?

I don’t want my kids growing up with Dad being the person who’s always lying on the sofa looking at his phone while Mum has to organise everything and keep everyone entertained. And I don’t want to spend every evening and weekend with someone who acts like he’s exhausted by the existence of his own family.

I’m not expecting him to be bouncing off the walls all weekend. I just want some initiative from him sometimes. Suggest something, talk to us, play with the kids, get off the phone without me having to say “come on, why don’t you get dressed / take one of the kids / shall we do something?”

AIBU to think this is a problem rather than just “that’s his personality”?

I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread but my husband turned like this and after a couple of years of me being patient and wondering wtf was going on, he said he didn't love me any more. We are divorcing now and life is lighter and happier without him, despite my new found financial difficulties. My advice would be get yourself into work, get your ducks in a row and prepare for a split. Have a full and frank conversation with him about how you feel and give him a chance to buck his ideas up, if he doesn't then there's your answer.

I hope this doesn't sound drastic but it's just so wearing living with someone like this, you don't even realise until you're out of it.

Also, it has meant I've lost time with my children and it has been very upsetting for one of my children who experiences it as a rejection of her (as her dad farms them out to his mother most of the time he is supposed to have them). As awful as it is, I have to accept that thats not my responsibility, it wasn't my choice to break up the family unit and I've learned to make the most of my time now when the children are away. I've arranged counselling for my daughter through her school which her dad is aware of, he's never once asked how it's going because frankly he doesn't care. I sent him the end of term report where the counsellor had written in detail about her feelings of rejection and fear he will 'forget about her' and he responded 'Sounds like she is doing well' 😬🤔

I would tell your husband that if he doesn’t make the effort you will leave him. Tell him he will no doubt make the effort then in front of his parents and for a new partner so he might as well make the effort now and you not have to break up your kids home. Tell him you are not prepared to have the laziest most withdrawn him while everyone else gets the best of him. Fuck that. If he won’t change get rid of him. He might go for 50:50 at first but it won’t last - he is scared of having them for an hour!

It’s excruciatingly awful to ask someone to look after your kids so their dad can lay on the sofa on his phone. If a friend did this to me and I found out their husband was just too lazy to look after his kids I would say no.

I would have no problem helping out a relative or close friend

I have cooked every day (except holidays ) for 47 years, I think I understand what a grind it is.
Having the input of your partner when they are not even there until around 7pm is just not practical, and should not be necessary
. Cooking for your family, no matter what that family looks like is at the heart of your task, it is a sacred trust which controls the health and wellbeing of all in the household. Providing your family with meals is not something which is just "one more thing" it is at the centre, anyone who thinks that family life does not revolve around meals is deluding themselves.
To have a happy family you need to be able to plan and make nutritious meals every day- if that fills you with dread why did you have a family?

Omg you have described my father to a tee, except no phones on 70s/80s but he just laid of sofa reading library books all weekend, didn't speak to us, if we tried to tell him about our day at school we were told to shut up and go away, apparently before me and my sister were born, he was the same, all weekend reading books, my poor mum, was such a bubbly out going lovely woman, he was the most misrable man all my growing up life. We are no contact since mum died in 2011.
I really beleive he should of never had kids. Even on holidays as little kids he sat reading books, and we were made to sit quiet.
If he wanted that kind of life that fine,but don't inflict it on children.

While their husband lay scrolling on his phone?

My ex was just like this. I have realised that before kids he made more effort to appear interested in doing things with me even though he would rather watch tv. As soon as we had kids the mask came off and he stopped trying. All he ever does apart from work is drink beer and sit watching tv.

He started to get worse at around 40yrs old and for the last 10 years me and the kids just started doing things without him as he was so miserable all the time. The only thing we all did together was family holidays and he would ruin them every single time starting rows with the kids.

He too was really bothered about appearances so was a completely different character around his parents or work colleagues. I found it really hard listening to him on the phone to work colleagues as he was like a completely different person.

I stayed until we were empty nesters but I feel like I have been single for years. He said he didnt want a divorce and that blows my mind as eveything he did suggested he was checked out. I suspect he just didnt want to get divorced as he likes to keep up appearances of the happy family man even though he has never been that.

It wont get any better so get your ducks in a row even if you dont do it straight away.

Have you actually read "the extreme misogyny" recommended by the deleted poster? Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle has 1,171 reviews on Amazon with an average rating of 4.5.

Laura Doyle is a professional woman, to boot, not just someone who sits at home writing pointless misogynistic books

This was my ex as well. He's now playing professional victim to explain why he cant step up to take on any parenting responsibility whatsoever. Apparently it reminds him too much of what he's lost so he's had to leave the country to live a carefree single life.....

Honestly I was miserable working 9-6 with a commute. It’s mentally exhausting and always the same and deeply shit even when it’s not hard.

Honestly just sounds like he’s unhappy.

Do shit without him. Make friends. Let him stay in with the kids on his phone at weekends and go out.
make friends with single mums and take your kids out with them.
youll soon see what you need to do next

I had a husband who made no emotional or practical effort after the first couple of years. But he could always find the motivation to go down the pub with his mates..Fortunately we had no kids. I got divorced. I realised years later that he just hadnt grown up enough at that stage in his life to have a.responsible relationship.

useyournoodle

boy or girl he can take them to football!!! I work in a supermarket and Sunday morning most of the dads in there are talking about the girls football team which they coach/ have kids in and are in picking up something after training. Girls equals ballet is a mind blowing assumption!!!!

My husband was like that when the kids were little. Then the baby grew into a toddler and became very good at stating her feelings. Chief amongst which was "I don't like Daddy" and "Don't leave me with Daddy", followed by loud screaming and crying whenever she was left with Daddy. In front of everyone, including his parents. He complained but I shrugged my shoulders. You get what you give. Then one of my parents became very ill and he frequently had to look after both kids alone while I travelled to visit. He ended up essentially bribing the little one to like him and go places with cake and expensive toys (think Bluey playsets, giant cuddly toys, the sorts of things you'd give for birthdays and Christmas and she was getting them every weekend 🙄) and he and the kids have a better relationship now. Being completely honest, I don't particularly like him anymore (I don't dislike him either, just neutral) and am only still around because the last few years have been exhausting for various reasons so don't have the energy to split up. And tbh, he's fine and we hardly see him anyway (he's a workaholic and works longer hours than your husband). I prefer it when it's just the three of us doing stuff, we had a couple of mini breaks just us three over the summer and it was great.

I doubt it, he’s made it quite clear he finds parenting solo boring and borderline intolerable hence the nagging texts while OP was getting a manicure. Any attempt at taking time away for herself would be ruined by him moaning and pestering her to come back.
He’s checked out, deactivated and detached from OP and family life. I recognise the same traits in my father, life and soul of the party everywhere but at home. My sympathies OP.

No, obviously I haven't and never would read any nonsense about how women can only be happy if they submit to men.

Nice plug again

I was going to ask whether he maybe depressed until you mentioned how he is around family.

So there is a distinct shift. Have you given him that example and asked what the difference is? Sounds like he is not interested in family life outside of the family life with his parents.

Hmm. How often do his parents come over or his mates? Maybe he can work up enthusiasm for occasional events but does not want a busy weekend every weekend?

I mean he should voice that if that is the case.

Men who have an issue parenting their children are extremely unattractive to me.

Every follow up post makes this man sound worse and worse and worse. It’s amazing how fathers get to “not be ok looking after the children”. Mothers never get that leeway.

Reviews and ratings don’t mean it’s not misogynistic.

If other people’s opinions matter to him that much I would use that to your advantage. Talk about things your friends’ husbands do with their families at weekends or how great they are with the kids when their wives go out. Even something like how lovely it is that X’s husband happily had the kids while she went for a massage/manicure and didn’t bother her once. You can do it conversationally so it doesn’t sound pointed.

Ultimately though, you might not want to end your marriage, but it will end anyway if it carries on as is. You’re obviously not going to let your children have rubbish weekends and evenings, so eventually you’ll just get on with things without him. You’ll take the kids out, make plans, enjoy yourselves and end up with a separate life. At some point one of you is going to wonder if you want to carry on like that - he’ll blame you for cutting him out of family life and you’ll blame him for being a waste of a husband.

I would tell him bluntly that you think your marriage is in trouble and that you don’t think it will survive without marriage counselling. If he refuses to go as you say he will, I’d say that when you eventually divorce you won’t pretend to everyone that it came out of nowhere and will tell everyone that you told him your marriage was in trouble and he couldn’t even be bothered to try counselling.
If maintaining his Mr Nice Guy image matters so much to him, maybe the prospect of other people knowing what he’s actually like at home might finally make him take it seriously.

Finally (sorry this is long), I think you need to have a word with yourself about refusing to divorce because you won’t see your children all the time. Staying like this isn’t necessarily in their best interests either. They’re growing up watching their dad disengage while their
mum runs around single handedly making family life happen. This is forming their idea of what husbands, wives and parents do. I’d worry far more that you’re normalising this dynamic and they will be more likely to repeat it in their own relationships when their older.

You don’t have to answer but men want sex and if they don’t get it, they get grumpy imo