To put toddler outside so I can calm down

[brokendownagain26]

My 2 yo has been screaming at me all morning resulting in me being late, very flustered and stressed. I stayed patient until I didn’t and lost it, put him outside so I couldn’t hear the screams. But I’m just so fucked off

I agree!

Mine were the same, an instant reset and fresh air in a safe enclosed garden rather than in the house which is compounding his rage

It would in my LA and the neighbouring ones. If it wouldn't in your's then there's going to be another missed chance and case review, eventually. There's been a lot of child deaths, were neighbours have reported a child being put into the garden, so it should be a flag on every SS department system. As sad, tell your four year old teacher or the Nursery that is how you handle your toddler.

There is no LA in which a toddler in a garden is grounds for a visit from SS.

My heart goes out to you. My son was similar and at times I wanted to kill him. It does pass. Do whatever you need to help yourself calm down. He’ll be fine. You got this

Yes those who had toddlers like this can understand and empathise. Those who didn’t…can’t. Every child is different

TG for nursery 😁

My ex MIL (who had been a social worker!) sometimes said that she was glad that she was exh’s Mum, because he was sometimes so stubborn that she thought you could literally have killed him before he would do what he was asked/ stop doing something he shouldn’t.

She of course didn’t physically (or in any way) harm him at all but she could imagine some parents might.

To be fair that is exactly what he’s like even as an adult.

I think it’s often referred to ask PDA or ODD!

To be fair it’s my own fault I married someone like that as when I think of famous people/ historical characters I consider attractive they all have/ had difficulty being told what to do 😂😂

I mean, the vast majority of advice on the thread that you started, asking for advice, is that it is not good to put a child out and close the door on them.

You can take that or leave it.

I don't think anyone on the thread is saying they can't understand and empathise, or that parenting toddlers isn't bloody hard and doesn't push us all at times.

What is surprising people is that after reflection, OP still thinks putting he child outside and shutting the door on them is right thing to do.

To be honest it has worked and unlike any other strategy it’s given an immediate and calm response to a situation.

Yesterday evening he wouldn’t stop hitting and kicking his sister so outside he went. And I can see him and he can see me but he stayed there for a minute (should be two but don’t want to overegg my pudding) and he came in and sat quietly and calmly.

MN world and real world sometimes are very different places.

You did your best in an escalating situation. You were juggling so much and you are human. You are clearly a parent trying to do your best generally. You managed not to loose it and made the best decision you could in that moment. That’s all any of us can do.

Is what happened ideal in terms of his development? No. Is what happened a decent and effective decision in a highly intense situation? Yes. No parent can be perfect all the time. I think on balance, this was preferable to you loosing it more with him. It’s impressive you held it together enough to make that decision.

I think it’s a great opportunity to think about how to set things up to succeed in future and avoid this. Any practical changes. Working out what was going on for him. 2 is hard because they still sometimes cant clearly communicate what they need. If he’s wanting you close all the time, I’d be curious about that and what is going on for him - to see if there are things to help.

Social services, not as a child protection issue, but from a support angle might have services where you can have a space to unpick what’s going on.

You are working and have two kids? Is there a dad on the scene? Any other adults that have skin in the game? Think about the village around your children and who could help and where?

In order to stay calm in the face of a dysregulated relentless toddler, you need to be as well resourced as you can be. Because it is super hard and you’d had two hours of it!! That’s torturing!

How can you get more of your needs met?

If I can figure it out I’ll post a link below to a short video of a psychologist talking about how we can make small decisions that can avoid our nervous system popping.

You are carrying a lot in those mornings. Anyone could end up in that situation and making that decision so don’t beat yourself up about it. You did your best and you noticed yourself about to blow and acted in his interests.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DOMsLkpjkIx/?hl=en

Quick to watch video of psychologist explaining how our nervous system can get to the point of blowing and that small regulating actions can help. I’ve mentioned it in my post above OP. It’s not the ‘answer’ but a reminder that we are all only human and our nervous system can only take so much and needs the steam letting out regularly.

It works from the adults Pov because the child appeared calmer but at what cost to them?

A second time just yesterday. So that is that now. Rather than learning to manage your anger or help your 2 year old regulate you are going to shove him in the garden alone every time he gets upset and ignore whatever he is actually struggling with.

I'd strongly suggest you discuss the difficulties you're having with your hv.

We all understand that parents make bad calls when at the end of their tether, but the fact that you're repeating this is really concerning.

It's not ok.

"MN world and real world sometimes are very different places."

I don't think anyone I know in the real world would say that this is OK either, OP.

You've had enough responses on here advising you not to do this so it's now up to you whether or not you take that on board.

I live in the real world and parent a toddler and it pushes me to my limit, it's bloody hard (hence my username 😂) but I don't do this, and you don't need to either. Talk to your HV and get some support xx

Okay, so you feel you have found a strategy that works for you both. I still disagree that this is the way to deal with it, but let's go with it for now. What happens when it's pouring down and blowing a gale, or snowing? Are you still going to chuck him out? If not, how are you going to deal with it? The situation will really blow up because you cannot use your coping mechanism. You need to find a safe, indoor solution that you can use all the time.