To put toddler outside so I can calm down

[brokendownagain26]

My 2 yo has been screaming at me all morning resulting in me being late, very flustered and stressed. I stayed patient until I didn’t and lost it, put him outside so I couldn’t hear the screams. But I’m just so fucked off

I had a screamer when she needed sleep or life was just too much for her. I wrapped her tightly in a blanket when I could catch her. The neighbours would come out and watch open mouthed. She was fast and I had a big garden. Or sometimes I would get an old camera out ,didn’t then have a phone one ,and said smile for the camera and that deflected. I feel for you.

I can tell you all now SS are NOT going to come out because a child was in a garden!

Fair enough if we have neighbours but we don’t, it’s a house sort of on its own
Then let him scream the frustration out of him! Nothing wrong with doing it outside.

So you treated them like a dog?

I think you know what you did wasn’t ideal maybe think of a different plan next time it happens

Your child is not out in the garden playing and yes SS would investigate a report that a toddler is being locked in the garden if they tantrum, they absolutely would as it could be part of a bigger picture of you not coping.

Get dressed. Put him in the buggy and go for a walk. He must be exhausted from a that crying..

You sound very stressed and emotionally dysregulated. This is a sign you need more support and more self-care way before things flare up.

You've given justifications for shutting him out of the house while he was upset, but it's not ok really.

Do they calm down outside? I'm constantly chucking my toddler in the garden for ten minutes peace - the fresh air seems to fix any tantrum and he loves being outside. I supervise of course, although sometimes I do it sat behind the french door with a hot drink.

OP said her child calmed down when he was outside and she was watching him so it's not a case for SS. I think people go totally over the top. Children sometimes scream, sometimes cry. Loads of children round here and I hear it a lot. If SS was called every time a child screamed they'd never do anything else. The garden was safe, the child calmed down. What exactly do you think SS would say in that situation?

Sympathies! I think it was wrong to put him outside, as he may perceive that as punishment and I don't think small children should be punished for simply not being able to control their impulses (their prefrontal cortex is totally underdeveloped at this stage). I think you should have gone outside, but you sound very stressed and weren't dressed - fair enough.
Books about bringing up boys always talk about how much they need physical activity, exercise. It's the best way to get them to be calm the rest of the time.

I know the feeling of overwhelm but putting them outside isn't safe for them and if I saw a 2 Yr old outside alone bawling I'd be worried as a passerby or neighbour.

Have you considered loop ear buds or even just some wax ear plugs? I used wax earplugs when my son was a cmpa reflux bawling baby and didn't sleep, had to be held most of the night sometimes and eventually after months of it I'd feel so stressed just taming the volume down while still being there for him helped so much!

@Billy47 i am now dressed and toddler thankfully is at nursery! Absolutely hates the buggy, its barely been used for months tbf.

@SpreadsheetLife yes. I think it’s one of those where our mere presence was enraging the other, we needed a reset. I know ideally I’d send him to his room for a bit but that’s not where we currently are unfortunately. The more I reflect on it the more I don’t really think it was a bad thing to do, he just started playing with some toys.

@fiftyfiftyy even if what you describe was accurate a child crying in a garden for a few minutes (and he wasn’t he did actually calm down when he was there) isn’t social services involvement level. There’s plenty of stuff that might not be great parenting but is still nowhere near involvement from social services.

And @SecretsAndLies77 you’re right, I always feel bad as I remember how little they actually are and how something like not being able to wear a shoe that fit eighteen months ago (!!) feels so catastrophic. It’s just so bloody stressful when you’re juggling a million hoops as it is and I do honestly feel like all he did this morning was scream and cry and I just couldn’t do what I needed to do as a result. I genuinely did/do have an awful headache as well and I’m not normally prone to headaches. I think all the culminating 5am starts are getting to me!

Take a deep breath and then ignore most of the judgemental people on here.
Your child was safe, you made a decision that you may not make again. No one is perfect.

I hope that your day gets better.

Thanks. I’m fine now - this was all a good three hours ago now.

Is your garden a safe space?

The rule is that if you are about to lose it (and we've all been there) your child is safer apart from you at that moment.

If it is an enclosed safe garden then you have done the right thing.

When this all calms down it is worth examining what caused the crisis and looking at preventive measures for the future.

Glad the storm has settled!

You clearly have a higher tolerance for being dripping wet and naked than I do if you were also trying to make packed lunches before even being able to dry off! Sounds like it all just snowballed out of control this morning and I'm glad it's behind you now.

I think there is very definitely a case for lowering your standards (eg. dry shampoo is a lifesaver if you're also dealing with the DCs on their own and can't get in and out of the shower without meltdowns) and doing as much as you can the night before when the kids are in bed. Packing lunches and setting out breakfast and shoes/clothes the night before were a game-changer when the DCs were little and we had to get everyone out the door in the mornings on time. I used to get up first and shower and get ready while DH got the kids dressed and downstairs, then he would shower and get ready while I fed them, and then we'd all be ready to go at the same time. And switch off on the early morning rising! I had prod DH a couple of times when it was his turn to get up with the kids and he "just didn't hear them".

Ah, the Terrible Twos...you have my sympathy. Good for you recognising that you were at the end of your tether. I think the thread had got a bit derailed about whether or not the garden was OK in the circumstances. You know it wasnt that good a response! But a necessary one then probably. The thing is, how can you deal with it in future. Its a good thing to develop a range of distraction techniques. "Wait a minute" doesn't hack it here! Is there someone IRL who you can talk about what the useful techniques might be? Actually a change of environment is a good distraction technique though its usually recommended you are with them, a playpen is a good idea. Don't give them choices or try reasoning, they are overwhelmed and this makes it worse. Look after yourself. Get some good painkillers for headaches if nothing else - liquid paracetamol is very quick acting, go to the GP if that isnt strong enough. Identify your support network and muster it. I did get the impression you are quite isolated. Try and analyse the triggers for meltdowns. If it started in the middle of the night and then continued then ...nightmares? Pain? Hunger? It will get better but living through it feels like forever.

@Xiaoxiong it was more

530-630 - attempting to make lunches while being screamed at (and empty the tumble dryer and dishwasher and make breakfasts and many requests for this TV programme etc)

630-700 - trying to get kids washed and teeth cleaned and dressed while being intermittently screamed at

700-730 - trying to shower myself and then the above happened!

Thanks @notretiredyet01 . We’re way past playpen stage to be honest - older two. And on reflection I think actually the garden itself was the right call. What wasn’t was HOW I did it. If I’d been calm and ‘right, mummy is going to put you here to calm down’ it would have been OK (yes ideally I would go myself but that wasn’t possible in that instance) but as it was I was so stressed by that point it was more ‘OOOUUUT!’

I don't really think it is OK to put a 2 year old out in the garden and close the door, even if you are calm and explain.

I don't understand why it wasn't possible for you to be the one to step out.

Even if you'd just got out of the shower, you could have quickly dried off, put a gown on and gone out for a breath or two.

Absolutely this. This is not good behaviour management. You walk outside and get a breath of fresh air ,you don't lock a child outside. Get ourselves outside for a walk ,in the buggy and go to the park.

@wiredandtired at the risk of sounding very nitpicky I think I’ve explained several times now I had just come out of the shower, was wet and naked.

And I don’t actually see the distinction between me stepping out and putting ds out (given the garden is secure) I’m really not seeing the difference at all, sorry. I did actually step outside myself yesterday for a similar reason and he got very upset about it whereas he did calm down very quickly when he was the one in the garden. And I’m not sure how confident I’d feel leaving a screaming two year old with a four year old unsupervised either.

@brokendownagain26 toddlers can be little unreasonable dictators.

Like a PP said, if you haven't had one of these screamers, its hard to understand just how much it can get under your skin.

This phase will pass, in the meantime, keep gritting your teeth, keep giving cuddles once they have calmed down and yes, move them away from you if you feel like you're going to lose it!

I couldn't have put mine in the garden as it wasn't secure/lost of things to do to kill themselves. But if its dry and warm and the garden is safe - why not. I would think of an alternative if you can for when the weather starts to become cold and wet - wouldn't be good to leave them out there then.