To put toddler outside so I can calm down

[brokendownagain26]

My 2 yo has been screaming at me all morning resulting in me being late, very flustered and stressed. I stayed patient until I didn’t and lost it, put him outside so I couldn’t hear the screams. But I’m just so fucked off

I really don’t want to sound argumentative or horrible but there is no way social services would be interested in a toddler in a garden.

A toddler screaming and crying and trying to get in and a parent screaming and swearing at them in response might get some interest but even that as an isolated event would probably go no further than some leaflets and suggestions to local groups.

The bar for social services involvement is extremely high; it has to be, because they are simply so overstretched. A toddler playing in a secure garden where their parent can see them - I have to admit, I’m lost as to the danger that others feel exists. It’s grass and toys; that’s it.

The fact you can't see what the problem is to be expected, you're the person who did this.

You are not able to manage your emotions, and when that happens you put your toddler in a separate space so they are emotionally isolated. This is potentially emotionally damaging for them and risks attachment issues.

It would be better for you to remove yourself rather than put them out as a clear signal the person who is unable to deal with their emotions age-appropriately is you, not the toddler. Modelling taking personal responsibility for calming down, rather than blaming other people, is healthier long term.

In my head I try to think of anything that disrupts my brain from thinking I can fix the screaming (cause you can't right now). Something like 'hes screaming and I can't fix it now'. Because if you think you can fix it, then you focus on that and then the fact you're failing and that is stressful.

But @concertinacornflake you haven’t told me what the problem is.

If the problem is that I can’t manage my emotions then that’s not something social services can really help with. I do get to the point, usually after a long time, where I feel completely wrung out and overwhelmed. I know I am not the only parent by a long shot who has felt like this, hence the standard advice ‘put the child somewhere safe and regulate yourself.’ Which is exactly what I did.

If that is wrong, then literally all the advice from every reputable source I can think of is also wrong.

The irony was I would have been able to fix it (albeit probably temporarily!) had I been able to find the thing he wanted!

Thanks all. It’s true there’s been a lot of to-ing and fro-ing on this thread, and a morning when I’m at work and have two different drop offs before I even go to work is probably not a morning I’m going to be at my best. But my toddler does play in the garden unsupervised (as in me able to see him but not actually physically in the garden) and I am satisfied he is safe and happy at those times.

There's no point arguing with you.

You think putting your child out was right, there's nothing anyone can do to change your mind.

Locking a 2 year old outside so an adult can regulate is bonkers OP, you don’t do that. Just full stop. Hope that helps!

I’m not arguing @concertinacornflake . I’m pointing out that with the best will in the world, sometimes I do get stressed, overwhelmed and unable to think straight when I’ve been screamed at for ages.

I do find it a bit odd that if I’d said ‘so I stepped outside for a few minutes to calm down’ that would have been OK (as I did yesterday evening) even though then the toddler and sister were in the house alone, the toddler was very upset and it was arguably more dangerous in terms of unlikely things that could have happened, while putting the toddler outside for a few minutes was not OK. I am not trying to argue there, I just genuinely find that strange. But in fairness I do know sometimes it’s how things feel and not how they are, like for example one person could go to the bottom of their garden and that would be OK, whereas going to the shop next door would not be but in some cases would actually be a shorter distance. But I do think we have to let common sense be the deciding factor here. Ds was not in danger, was not in notable distress or upset and the weather was not extreme either.

If the issue is less where I put him and more that I am at the point of losing it - mea culpa really, I’m not perfect and I can get to a point where I’m shouty and saying things I don’t mean, and I prefer not to do that.

Well, no, it doesn’t, given that if I’d locked MYSELF outside that would apparently have been fine!

Every single source you can find - if you say ‘look, I’ve reached my limit, I’m going to blow’ urges you to put the child somewhere safe (garden) and regulate yourself. Every single one.

Yeah this. Every time. Garden is absolutely fine.

In your wardrobe.

2 year olds don’t scream for 2 and a half hours without good reason.

It isn’t unreasonable to struggle or need a break, but it is waaaaaaay beyond unreasonable to lock them outside - he will have zero understanding of why it is happening.

If you are struggling you need to reach out for help, dad? GP, family members? Anything, not just leaving him outside. He isn’t misbehaving, he is upset.

I hope you go see the GP or someone who can help you with options to work through what you are going through 💐

Put the toddler in my wardrobe!? That’s worse than the garden!

How on earth can you reach out for help when it’s 8 in the morning and the toddler is screaming fit to burst? Honestly, I think some people must live very sheltered lives where family live next door, the GP are always on call and toddlers listen to reason!

I do think maybe some people are forgetting what two year olds (especially older ones close to 3) are actually like; they can open doors, climb gates and are fairly physically able.

@brokendownagain26 I think you have just scuppered your own argument that it was safe to put him outside and then leave him alone outside long enough for you to get to your bedroom, get dressed and get back again. He could have got frightened / curious / seen a dog he wanted to follow and by the time you got back to him, he could have been gone. Yes, you could see him through the door playing, but the moment you turned your back to go and get dressed could have been the few minutes you regret for the rest of your life.

Playing outside on their own outside whilst being supervised from the house is fine.
What is not ok is putting out a distraught 2 year old and shutting them out from their home and family-their place of security..
He can only think like a toddler.He doesnt understand that you at your wits end and will let him back in in a minute .

He could have seen a dog he wanted to follow but he wouldn’t have been able to get to it, any more than he would have had he seen it from the house.

@ImaSpringChicken so it would be OK to leave a distraught two year old in the house, that would be fine?

I am genuinely not following the logic here. It seems to be

❌ put him outside

❌ keep him inside and you go out

❌ lose your temper

✔️ stay completely calm, chilled, oblivious to screaming and just carry on your morning like nothing is happening.

I agree that last one is optimum but it’s not the world I live in I’m afraid. If does get to me, eventually!

They could fall and hurt themselves- probably the most likely of the list - toddlers can fall anywhere, that’s why they’re called toddlers, they’re unsteady

They could pick up something, even a small stone or anything, put it in their mouth and choke on it

They could swallow fox or other animal poo

A fox cat or other animal could be / get into in the garden and injure them

Discarded items might have been thrown in your garden without your knowledge- including glass, sharp plastic or anything

They could injure themselves with any number of garden objects

I think they mean your clothes are in your wardrobe not that you should put a toddler there!

So I did this once when my DD was 5. She had been testing my patience all day long as it was, she then decided to purposely trap DD2’s fingers in a door. I locked her outside. I could hear her screaming and she was safe but I just really needed to breathe. She can’t have been there long, maybe 2 mins when a passerby knocked on my door to basically shout at me for leaving her there. I slammed the door in her face. Definitely not a proud moment and my DD who is now 15 still brings it up to get at me sometimes. She slammed her sister’s fingers in the door just to be spiteful and I saw red.

You have cherry picked from the options I gave. You yourself said that he could climb and open gates. Are you saying your garden is totally escape proof and no-one could get in to him either? I think if that had been the case, you would have said the garden was inpenetratable / inescapable in your first post. If passerbys could have seen you naked in your garden, then your fence isn't high enough to stop people getting in or almost 3 year olds getting out.

Can you be totally honest and say how long he was out of your sight for?

I'm not disputing your need for time away. I don't think anyone who has had children doesn't understand. I used to have a baby gate on my daughters bedroom and would pop her into her room, go downstairs into the kitchen, close the door and scream into a pillow which I wrapped round my head. Then I would take a deep breath and go back to her. Could a baby gate on the bedroom help?

I wouldn’t have said you locking yourself outside is fine either.

2 year old’s can’t regulate themselves, they need your help to learn how to do that. They aren’t dogs who can be stuck outside to cool off and neither are you.

Speaking as someone with a 2 year old and a nearly 1 year old, it’s definitely not easy, but you need to find ways to regulate that don’t involve shutting anybody in the garden like a naughty dog.

I explained why, you don't accept the explanation - that's ok.

Other people have explained reasons, you don't accept their explanations either - also ok.

But it's not true to say no one has offered a reason.

That’s fair enough @Jellybunny98 but it is fairly standard advice for overwhelmed parents. I think this is one we just aren’t going to agree on.

@SquidgyPudge I think one of the problems is people are all imagining their own gardens. It’s a secure garden. If him being out of my sight is a no no then going to the loo, showering etc are all no nos too.

@Sartre i really sympathise my personal feeling is that you did the right thing but (as others here should bear in mind too) we don’t all have the same gardens or layouts. mine are playing together now in the garden; I am sat inside but can see and hear them just fine.

It gets to everyone.

No one is suggesting you stay oblivious, they are suggesting you respond to the stress differently.

So there is absolutely no way your son could get out. Or someone else get in? No way at all? If you can't see that being shut outside, out of sight in a garden is different to going to the loo and being out of sight inside the house but he could still get to you, are different then there is really no point trying to reason with you. You clearly think what you did is fine even though many people are trying to kindly explain why it isn't.

Thank you thank you thank you. I’d love to see how these perfect “ I’d call the SS” pps would cope after 5.15 am starts and screaming for hours. It sounds as if OP did absolutely great and the fresh air and garden helped regulate her child and the OP to reset.

OP - you are amazing and this is HARD