To wonder about 50/50

[fiftyfiftyy]

I know 50/50 gets a lot of negativity on here but I actually think it sounds ideal, AIBU to think im the only mum that would have wanted 50/50 (ex would have never been interested) or are there any other mums that have chosen it? I have only seen negativity about it but surely I can’t be the only one?

so I’m a man , there’s a shocking amount of abuse and stereotyping towards men on this thread,-

It's Mumsnet @mambo5 men are not regarded highly at all. I don't know what happens - it seems the majority of women on here manage to hitch their wagons to absolutely useless deadbeats, when in real life most men I know aren't like this at all. I'm twice married, and my ex husband is a decent man, I'd never pretend otherwise but there's lot of bitterness and resentment around these parts.

My situtation was very similar to yours.

But why is the default to assume that any man who wants 50/50 wants to do so because he's an abuser or CMS-dodger? It's such a bizarre and quite frankly unfair assumption that people on Mumsnet make all the time. My ex was neither, he was just a loving, engaged father who wanted to spend time with his children and actually parent. He was not abusive and he gave me money towards the kids. We only ever hear the worst stories but there will be a lot of people who also have fair and amicable situations.

I do 50:50. We split up when DS was 2 so he probably doesn't remember any different. Me and ex are great friends though and work together on everything. It hasn't harmed DS who is now 17. He got 7s, 8s and 9s at GCSE, volunteers, has loads of friends, has never been a moody stroppy teen, is very outgoing and confident so has done him absolutely no harm. He knows he can switch the arrangement whenever he wants at this age but chooses not to.
Most of my friends do 50:50 too.

oh I know they are not, mumsnet is a very strange place, dads that dont do 50/50 and do every other week are called lazy and deadbeats, dads that want 50/50 are abusive and only do it to aboid maintenance 🤦‍♀️ men cant win on here

That sounds perfect

I wasn't assuming that, I was responding to the poster who said that 50/50 is unlikely to happen with an abusive parent; that is simply not true.

There are a lot of parents here trying to convince themselves (and other posters) that living between two houses without a stable base is fine. The majority of children actually experiencing it say different, and they're the ones who matter. It's really sad.

My son was perfectly fine with it. He's told me this when I asked him recently and he's now in his 20s.

As for not having a stable base. He had 2 stable bases to choose from

and yet there are plenty on here saying their late teens/young adults CHOOSE to keep this pattern when they don’t have to. Clearly they hate it and you know everything 🤣

@WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz some of us also don’t have any other option and are trying to make the most of it and do our best following a break up.

• You can’t force someone to stay with you
• You can’t force someone to give you 70% or 100% custody
• You can’t predict the future and know for sure that someone will stay with you when you have children with them.

By that age a. They’re used to it, b.They spend little time at home anyway and c. Less of each parent per week is a plus.

In our case the DC chose 50/50 for themselves when still in primary school. As teens/young adults they still actively choose it.

I don't need to convince myself of anything. 50/50 works for us. I can well believe that it isn't pleasant for children a lot of the time because I'm able to understand that not all children/parents/situations are the same as us/ours.

Speak for yourself. My kids spend loads of time at home and actively enjoy spending time with both parents. That’s a reflection on you if yours don’t 🤔

The point is, if it were truly that horrible they would have stopped years ago. Yet all the way through their teens they carried on, despite having free will to go where they wanted. Had their own cars at 17 so more than able to shift themselves around.

I’m sorry that doesn’t fit the narrative 🤣

I’m not talking about my kids, nor am I divorced. 😌

Then respectfully (or not) you don’t have a clue.

Really? I didn’t have friends whose parents split and they shuffled relentlessly between 2 houses; I don’t have friends whose kids are doing the same; my kids don’t have friends who spend a lot of time with us, complaining bitterly about constant to-ing and fro-ing.

What would you do then if you were unlucky enough to get divorced?

If your ex-partner wanted 50/50 would you then go to court and try to fight that? Paying tens of thousands of pounds in the hope of an outcome your solicitor would advise you was unlikely to happen?

AsI already said spending time with GPs and other famiy is not only fine but can be very positive
I am talking about men (or women) who are crap parents but then suddenly want to spend a lot more time with their children once they figure out it can save them money
One of my friends was a lorry driver who was barely home but when she divorced him he wanted 50/50, which he got and the DC still rarely saw him
I am sure there are some great dads out there who want 50/50 for the right reasons (if me and DH had split up when the DC were young I am sure he would have been one of those) but some men do it to avoid paying maintenance and to believe otherwise is at best naive

Im just not believing men have their kids to avoid maintenance, it would cost more having a child 50/50 so im not convinced 🤷‍♀️ does that also mean mums who don’t want 50/50 because they want more money 🤣

Id say a good few mums don't want 50/50 as they lose out on maintenance. Especially when the father is a high earner

I've done 50/50 with my ex since I moved out nearly 4 years ago. Initially it was really hard to be away from them but I soon appreciated the time off and space to rest in preparation for the next time they came back. We have a two week schedule with swaps every two or three days. They both have fully equipped bedrooms in both homes and really only need to bring things between such as ipads or specific toys they want for the weekend. Eldest DS13 is getting more into certain items of clothing and will come and get a pair of jeans or similar if he wants to go out. Our houses are 2 mins walk apart which helps enormously.

My ex and I co-parent fairly well, we try and attend parents evenings together and otherwise update each other on the kids needs etc.

I have discussed the possiblity of changing to week on, week off with eldest son but he prefers to stick as it is for now.

I have a new partner who also has a v similar arrangement, meaning our child-free time we can potentially be together, either at mine or his. This means I kind of know what it feels like for my kids to spend so much time in two 'homes'. We have no intention to blend and will continue as is until the kids all leave home.

I was v keen to split it 50/50 as I think anything less implies one is the superior parent with a inferior back-up parent. I wouldn't like to be put in the back-up role so couldn't see how I could expect my ex to either.

I do agree with some PPs that there is abuse of the system where lazy parents insist on 50/50 to avoid CMP.

There is no perfect answer sadly when parents separate. I think maintaining strong relationships with both parents is key (where safety and practicality allow). So is accountability and expectation - I show up for my kids when they are with me and I know their Dad does too. Kids adapt and although I know they would prefer to stay in one place, they would miss the absent parent more.

Any lastly, on the impact on school/behaviour - my kids were and would be just as chaotic/mouthy if they lived in one house. And my partner's kids are polite, organised, high achievers who still are even though they have two bedrooms.

You are lucky though that you can afford two homes so close.

my brother and his ex bought in London. Ex council, 3 bed terrace, nothing special. Worth about £350k 30 years ago, 100k mortgage.

when they split she couldn’t afford to buy him out, so court agreed he signed the house over to her, as apparently as a man he could earn and start again. So he’s 40, on 35k a year, no deposit, and needs to find 350k minimum for a house close by. Mortgage companies absolutely refuse as they take the CMS into account, reducing his income further.

so he’s living with our parents in their 2 bed terrace. The ex starts arranging all the childcare with mum, so even though the kids are there 3 nights a week sleeping on camp beds, all day while she is at work, he gets no reduction in CMS because it’s technically his mum having them, not him.

50:50 simply isn’t doable in many circumstances. You need the finances and housing to support it.

If me and DP split I would want 50/50, not for myself but for my children

That sounds like a good set up. Honestly think I’d be so much happier with 50/50.