To wonder about 50/50

[fiftyfiftyy]

I know 50/50 gets a lot of negativity on here but I actually think it sounds ideal, AIBU to think im the only mum that would have wanted 50/50 (ex would have never been interested) or are there any other mums that have chosen it? I have only seen negativity about it but surely I can’t be the only one?

And what about mums whose kids spend lots of time with grandparents? Or is it only dads it’s frowned upon?

I always think with nesting that if both parents are so committed, reasonable and considerate as to allow that to be a viable solution they probably wouldn’t have split in the first place!

I wouldn’t do nesting personally.

We’ve done 50/50 for 10 years, both children say they are happy with it, one at uni now and still does it in her holidays. We only live a few miles apart on each side of the same town so makes it easier.

The only way 50/50 is the best thing for kids is if the adults swap houses half the week. But when that is suggested, people throw their hands up in horror, no way could an adult live across two houses…

I'm not sure any option umis best overall. I had the every other weekend and one night a week arrangement which felt like constant moving back and forth and had the disadvantage of spending much less time with that parent than the new step kids. 50/50 with say one week at each house would have had less travel time and more time with that parent and possibly feeling more part of the new family (but who knows really). Either way the EOW/1-night was a massive improvement on the bird nesting my parents first tried which was massively unsettling and just wrong.

I had 50 50 with my ex as he insisted, and I did not want to cause more disruption for the kids by dragging it through court to try to get more, which I probably wouldn't have got anyway.
Our kids did amazingly well at school and are thriving. They don't have to choose a parent, they can still have 2 fully engaged parents and all the support that comes from that.
The arguments against it are a bit like those made against putting kids in childcare and bottle or mixed feeding of babies, and don't do women any favours really.

I’d do 50/50 if we got divorced but I know my husband is just as capable of a parent as me (better in some cases tbh). I know that if I was away for a month (I wouldn’t be, but hypothetically) I could come back and my kids would be fine, house would be well kept, and nothing would be that different. 50/50 is great if you’ve got a good partner who’s engaged and on board but to be honest I think a lot of the time if you’ve got that you’ll stay together. Obviously not all the time, but a lot.

Once my dad got sober my parents did 50/50 (ish) and it went very well but they both get on and can stand each other. Obviously they had issues and that’s why they split, but even when they were divorcing my mum was actually supportive of my dad getting sober because she wanted him to be the dad he was pre drinking.

The ones who still carry 100% of the mental load? Who usually are lower earners so have to work whilst juggling childcare? Dads deciding they want 50/50 but never really being involved in parenting is entirely different from mums who need help with childcare.

That won't work if either remarried though would it. Else half the week the ex would be sharing with the new partner

Is it best for the kids though? How many people saying that lived in one house as a child where the parents moved in and out? My parents did that for about a year and it was deeply unsettling in a way I'd probably need a good therapist to unpack. "Whose house do you live in?" "Well I guess its my house and my parents visit". Was much better when we had "mum's house" and "dad's house" to swap between.

Well clearly it won’t work if anyone remarries but with kids in the picture that would hopefully be a long way down the road anyway and would be reevaluated then.

I do think it’s less disruptive for the kids as it’s not a massive change from the status quo, where it’s pretty normal to have just one parent or the other at home looking after kids day to day depending on schedules. There are days it’s mostly me looking after DC, days it’s mostly DH, and obviously both on days too, but I don’t think my kids would find it as disruptive if we split up but they remained in the home.

I struggled going between as a kid of divorced parents. ‘Luckily’ my dad didn’t want me that much!

See I was also the child of divorced parents. Mainly lived with dad . Visited mum when I felt like it. Didn't struggle at all

I think it really depends on the kids. My elder daughter doesn’t like transitions, so she would find moving around the place every week difficult. Younger daughter would be fine either way I think. She’s a very different personality.

So sorry you have an ex who isn't supportive, they absolutely should be paying their way, however much they look after the kids. The money is for the kids they parented, so they have a duty to financially support them. And they shouldn't be manipulating childcare arrangements and parenting to try and pay less, as many are doing.

@DelilahSong I see and hats off to you for making that work. It would be my idea of hell sharing a place with my ex. Plus he remarried when our youngest was a toddler.

A family at my childrens school do equal 50% of time with mum and 50% of time with dad. Parents seem to get along ok, both seem very hands on and capable, decent people. However these children are genuinely the worst behaved kids I know, they're actually super sweet but definitely seem a bit troubled. Lot's of I put it down to not really having that permanent home.

Assumption on your pqrt i guess rather than any actual knowledge

All the kids I’ve worked with who experienced this have hated swapping houses constantly and felt caught in the middle. Especially the ones who get interrogated about what they did and who they saw at the other house.
I guess it works for some people though.

Anecdotally, the children I’ve known who have had the most behavioural problems were those who grew up with absent fathers. In my experience, they seemed to go off the rails without a strong male influence, but obviously that’s just my personal experience but they are also the most troubled ones.

I think it's often wanted by parents, rarely the best (or even okay) for the children.

I think in a lot of cases it is best for children

What do you think is best for children then?

My Dd is at her dads 2 nights most week, occasionally 3 nights. We split when she was 1 and she has absolutely hated going but there is a court order in place. She refuses to go 2 consecutive nights so exH has had to agree to swap nights, otherwise there would be no chance of her going.

she’s now 12 and already going less as she gets more and more of a say.
she’d have hated 50/50 and it would’ve had a massive detrimental impact on her

Completely agree