To wonder about 50/50

[fiftyfiftyy]

I know 50/50 gets a lot of negativity on here but I actually think it sounds ideal, AIBU to think im the only mum that would have wanted 50/50 (ex would have never been interested) or are there any other mums that have chosen it? I have only seen negativity about it but surely I can’t be the only one?

Sleeping in the same home the vast majority of the time, with plenty of day contact with both parents (barring abuse).

I guess so but fact that they do 50:50 time split between parents/homes and fact they are the most unacceptably behaved children I know (no SEN or issues like that) so yes assumption on my part that it's their home life that causes the behaviour

You’re conflating two different things. It’s possible to have a strong relationship that isn’t dependent on time together

Why does where they sleep make that much difference?

Maybe But we’re talking about behaviour here, not whether a relationship can be strong without lots of contact. Research actually suggests that children in 50/50 arrangements have better outcomes overall. Anecdotally, the children I’ve known with the worst behavioural problems have been those with no father around at all. So my experience has actually been the opposite of what PP imply about children in 50/50 arrangements. Obviously that’s only anecdotal, but that was the point I was making.

And a couple of posters have suggested children with 50/50 tend to be worse behaviour which is not my experience thats what I was pointing out.

But their dad could say the same?

I know full well I’d have to do 50/50, or at least try it, because my DS idolises his dad, and has far more in common with him than me now that he’s approaching teenage years. They have a fabulous bond. Me and DS do too, but it’s different. I couldn’t deny him equal time with his dad, and I think we’d also stay close enough that he could choose where he wanted to go and when.

My DH also has an older child, who he probably had about 35% custody of although it wasn’t a set routine, it was very flexible. He never asked for 50/50 when they split as he wanted to ‘keep the peace’ with his ex, but I know he has always regretted this

Because then you have a home. You don't live out of a suitcase. You don't need to lug things from one house to another and have to remember what you'll need.

@WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz my kids don’t need to lug things around, they have a set of everything at each house. So it doesn’t have to be living out of a suitcase.

Out of all the kids I know who have or are doing 50-50, none of them live out of a suitcase. They have everything they need in both homes and both houses feel like home.

Who is doing that? My DS simply had 2 lots of stuff with the exception of school books. And remembering school books should be the norm

I've not known any kid " Living out of a suitcase"

I think that those against 50/50 had a useless, disengaged 'co- parent' in the first place (when they were still married/together).
My dp shared school runs/ clubs/ bed time- all the day to day when our dc were young.
Every other weekend and a Wednesday would have been wholly inadequate and not reflective of how his relationship with his children had been .
So if we had separated, 50/50 would have been the default.

50 50 is horrendous.

For all except the neglectful, disinterested parent who doesn't want to pay cms and doesnt parent.

For the other parent who would happily parent properly they dont see their kids half the week and havr to pick up the pieces of neglectful shitty parenting. Oh and work 18 hour days ehen rhe kids arent there to keep a roof over their head and the kids in uniform as the other parent has no obligation whatsoever to pay for anything apart from a roof over the child's head.

The children are unsettled and live out of a suitcase and dont know if they are coming and going.

Don't romanticise a system which is utterly shit for the majority.

To all the posters who know of children who dont live out of a suitcase and thr child has earthing they need at both homes - if one parent is abusive and withholding, thus why one parent left the other, this gets played out across the children's belongings very quickly

Also the way the family courts and cms are set up is not in womens and children's interest- they are set up to ensure that the state and the father are not financially penalised by split families.

When the CMS was set up under John majors government in thr 1990s not a single woman was involved.

Reform is needed

That's not system problem, but a shitty parent problem. Shit parents will be shit for their children whatever the system. For some, 50/50 works better than anything else.

The problem with these discussions is that posters assume their personal experiences are the only way anyone has ever experienced 50/50 and cannot comprehend that others may have entirely different accounts of it.

I would have loved it - loved more freedom. Unfortunately ex was an unpredictable alcoholic so I didn’t trust him to look after the children. He never pushed for more time and neither did I. He also bought a one bedroom flat - to cut down on his overheads. He also felt it unreasonable that he should have to pay anything towards them as ‘my bills were the same whatever’. I did point out that the whole reason for the 3 bed house was so our children had a bedroom each etc, and food, more showers etc - even now he’s paying less than a third of what he should. Unfortunately I think my story is much more common than a genuine 50/50 where the dad steps up. I’m sure there are a lot of frazzled mums out there who would love a genuine 50/50.

Sorry this has been your experience. I don’t know anyone who works 18 hour days though. I do 9-5 full time. There can be problems with the other parent paying no matter what set up you have as so many men dodge paying what they should.

And being a lone parent is better 🤣 i dont think so! Didnt have kids to raise them alone

Thats more reason to want it in mu opinion, why should they get away doing nothing?

Not discussing maintenance, I don’t care about it I get none anyway so that isnt a factor for me. I’d be better off on 50/50 financially and tbh I’d rather that than maintenance anyway.

It sounds fine on paper but the kids I know who’ve done it hated it and stopped asap.

To parents considering it I’d say: you do the moving. It seems less attractive, then.

Obviously abusive parents are a different kettle of fish and unlikely you'd be doing 50/50 in that case

so I’m a man , there’s a shocking amount of abuse and stereotyping towards men on this thread,-

I’ve been parenting 50:50 for around 8 years now, DS has just moved out to university and is really well adjusted, kind, thoughtful, DD is 14 is also doing really well at school, myself and ex-wife attend all parent evening together she is also well adjusted, kind, thoughtful.
they have always had everything they need at both homes, own bedroom etc, very little needs moving, DD usually forgets to take her current crocheting with her, so I’m usually picking that up or dropping it off !
we live very close to each other and DD can cycle to school from either home.
i’ve regularly checked in on them to make sure they are happy with the living arrangements, we’ve always had an open and honest relationship with each other and talk about everything with no barriers.
Parenting has been an absolute joy over the last few years, I’ve learned so much from my kids and continue to learn, adapt, change as their needs needs and desires grow and change.
So I’ve had a very positive experience, which both my kids would also confirm,
The reality is that divorce/separation is crap for children and initially it’s important that both parents choose the least crap option and then you make it work after that, constantly adapt and change, grow and change with them.
So OP, it absolutely can work, not all of us men are lying, cheating, trying to get out of paying maintenance, shit at parenting etc,

It's actually quite common to be doing 50/50 parenting with an abuser - they use the court system and the child to continue post separation abuse and gain access to their ex.