To wonder about 50/50

[fiftyfiftyy]

I know 50/50 gets a lot of negativity on here but I actually think it sounds ideal, AIBU to think im the only mum that would have wanted 50/50 (ex would have never been interested) or are there any other mums that have chosen it? I have only seen negativity about it but surely I can’t be the only one?

I’m not an overly soppy parent, DH and I have holidayed without the kids, we’ve both worked full time since they were toddlers, but I’d miss them only having them 50% of the time. I’m not sure I’m convinced the upheaval is good for them either, I think if parents need to split up the best thing they can do for them is not bloody blend them with other kids and certainly not have any more in future relationships, however the ratio then looks.

Its far from ideal for the children as they end up feeling that they don't have a proper home which is why its no longer considered best for the children, 60/40 is now generally recommended now by crts though it usually ends up EOW and 1 mid week visit for older children.

We chose split 50/50 and it was amicable divorce. We still do 50/50 ten years later and are very flexible to diverting from the schedule for holidays. We will celebrate their birthdays together and spend some Xmases together too. We both have different partners but they have to fit around our schedule with children. They knew beforehand that we are close. For me, it’s best of both worlds. I am still 100% there for my children even if they are with their dad and they ring me for emotional support but they will ask their dad for different kind of support. I have a week off from children but saying that I never have a break from being a parent. My DC (both 15) actually like two different households and we are only living 3 miles from each other. We were lucky it worked out for us

I think it was around the top end of primary but he’d always seen them a lot in the week and been very hands on. They seem really settled. We check in with them every now and then to see if they’d like to change the pattern and they don’t want to.

No, she was saying it only works when it’s longer than a week - eg two weeks on, two weeks off - otherwise there is never enough stability in their home lives to actually focus and be calm at school.

She doesn’t teach young kids either. This is massively influential right through secondary. She says they start to thrive again once they get old enough to demand which parent they live with full time (about age 14), and then their school work rockets in standard

We do 50/50 and have done for 9 years. It works for us, and we're flexible if a anything comes up. But, we're amicable and even look after each other's dogs, it wouldn't work for everyone!

I’ll get roasted here but a couple of years ago (when my children were fourteen months and three and three quarters) I was very jealous of a friend who had split with her DP and had every other weekend ‘off’ and every Wednesday.

I now realise that was nonsense but at the time I was exhausted and probably a bit depressed. I was also jealous of people with only one for quite a long time.

This is obviously anecdotal, we've done it for years and both my girls have always been high achievers, youngest got the highest SATs results the school had ever had so it certainly doesn't always affect their learning. I don't think you're give kids enough credit in how they adapt, why would you think they don't know where they live?!

@mumumental ha yes my ex was remarried with another child on the way within six months of our divorce. He only had about one month living on his own with the kids before his new wife moved in. I’m sure it was all love and nothing to do with being a lazy bugger who wanted help with the kids and around the house though.

Would you have been fine with that address to be their dad's address and you saw them everey other weekend or so?

50/50 seems to be more the normal default now. I’ve seen it work. The times it worked is when there is a really positive co-parenting relationship, parents live close to each other, schools, the parents can communicate and flexibility.

if there is conflict it’s more of a struggle, it often won’t work.

My friends who have gone 50/50 off course miss their children. It is tough initially.

One friend her two daughters the older one did not like 50/50 but the youngest did, they allowed the older daughter to do one night a week and every other weekend. The parents communicated and listened to the child needs. Even though initially it was a high conflict situation as the father had an affair.

Ive seen 50/50 change once they hit teenage years often less routine to allow for revision GCSE etc. It will only work if the co-parenting relationship allows for the child needs to be flexible approach & adapt to change.

Never heard of anyone doing 2 weeks on 2 weeks off

It’s an absolute pain in the arse for the children. My parents split. I love them both, they co-parented well, divorce was a sensible thing. BUT going from one household to another was an absolute pain. Such a hassle. I don’t know what the answer is but I’d love to hear from any grown up kids of divorced parents who thought it was no big deal. 50/50, 60/40 whatever. You’re still swapping households on a weekly basis and it’s a major hassle for the kids.

We do 50/50. Kids stay at home all the time. It’s not something people used to do back in the day but it’s becoming more common now. We do the back and forth.

I think that is a good compromise. Much less disruptive.

Sorry also curious. Does that mean that you have another home that they don't ever go to? Do you feel at home in the shared house or the other home. I guess for me my kids make my home.

It’s bird nesting I think @aCatCalledFawkes ?

I mean you say my kids make my home but they could equally say their parents make theirs.

Yes of course, it's a different way of thinking.

The problem is that no matter what parents tell themselves all the options including living with 2 unhappy but together parents are shit for the children. Some are just less shit than others.

Interesting. We don’t quite do 50:50 (I have slightly more) but the kids go to their dads 2.5 days a week, every week, without fail, for the last 7 years. They have two lovely homes and all 3 say it doesn’t bother them at all. They always want to go to their dads. My daughter remarked recently ‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about on TV about divorce, I was sad for a few weeks but ever since then I’ve been completely happy’. Phew. My ex and I still don’t particularly like each other but I’d say we co-parent very well together. We live nearby, mostly agree on parenting approach (even through some very tough times with one child, unrelated to living arrangements!), and support each other eg if two kids need to be somewhere at the same time we will try to help each other out (even if on other person’s time), and financially share costs without argument. He has never asked for 50:50 as kids are so settled with what we do, and that would be trickier for both of us work-wise (I often need to work weekends, and he works longer hours in the week), but if he did I would agree (if the kids wanted). I have a partner but will never move him in (no interest in a blended family). My ex doesn’t but if he did I am certain he wouldn’t move them in either. We both 100% want to put our kids first whilst they are at home

I think you have to imagine how you would feel spending your life between two homes, swapping either partway through a week or every other week. Imagine how relieved you feel to get back to your own place after a holiday, however nice it's been, imagine how often you forget where you put something, in one house. I think it's exhausting for them. 50/50 where the parents are the ones to come and go from a shared house? Fair enough.

My home is where the kids live. The other place isn’t a home to me. It took a while for it not to feel like a sad and lonely place but I now am able to associate it with quiet and where I can focus on myself. They visit often. They pop in with their dad when I’m there and I visit with them sometimes when he is there. Everyone gets on. The second place isn’t a secret, they like having a second property to visit, sometimes they stay over if we need to help each other out or for a treat for the kids.

Sounds like it works really well for you all. Thank you for replying.

So I've been divorced for about 5 years now and ever since the beginning we've done 50/50 with our children. It has worked well I think overall. there have been some issues, one of which was when my ex moved at over an hour away to live with his new partner and that's been a little bit more difficult for the children. I've enjoyed having time to myself. That's not to say I don't miss my children, but I find that it means I can do all the boring kind of domestic tasks why they're not here and then ideally we have a bit more fun and freedom when they are. It is tough on them shifting every few days I know, feeling that they don't have one permanent room, but I have been told by them both that my house feels like home and they do spend slightly longer here and they do at their dad.
It's also influenced some other decisions I've made. For example, although I have a partner, I've decided that I would not attempt to move him in or blend families with his because they already have that at their dads and I want my house to be the safe place for them

I agree with this, I do my long days at work when dc are at their dad's, and I'm either off or work shorter days when theyre with me. I do the chores when they're away and when they're with me I focus on them.

I actually asked them earlier how they felt about 50/50, they looked at me like I was mad, it's just the norm for them and they are happy!