To wonder about 50/50

[fiftyfiftyy]

I know 50/50 gets a lot of negativity on here but I actually think it sounds ideal, AIBU to think im the only mum that would have wanted 50/50 (ex would have never been interested) or are there any other mums that have chosen it? I have only seen negativity about it but surely I can’t be the only one?

oh really, I’ve not really spotted that on here tbh. IRL I only know one family that does 50/50.

This is all your own opinion …. Have you asked your son how he feels about it ?

Yeah I read so many posts from mums worrying about leaving relationships as their ex will apparently want 50/50

I may be getting to this stage. We are both equally engaged parents with our own strengths and weakness. I think it’s what we would both want. I need to have a think what’s best for the kids, I hate the idea of them not feeling like they have a base. We would both live close and near the school and thankfully have no reason to think that would change (work and one side of family nearby etc ..)

Of course I have. We are all, as a family, emotionally very open and honest.

We did 50/50. It's what we both wanted, and it was discussed with the kids (who were early teens) and they wanted it to. They are young adults now and only recently stopped that routine!

thats nice, just goes to show not all kids would hate it

Me. But then again I'd never lived with DS dad in the first place. It went very well no issues at all with the slight exception of maybe some stuff in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As DS got older he just went to whatever house was more convenient for him at the time

My friend likes it as she’s free to date etc. both her childrens dads are very hands on. I wouldn’t like to be a child in this situation, I think it suits the parents more than the children.

I do 50/50. For those who say you would never have agreed to it, I’m curious whether you would have gone as far as going to court to fight that? And how a judge would decide between the two parents and award one parent more time than the other (except in cases of abuse or criminal activity).

I think there are pros and cons to it. It’s easier to get a break, especially as my children are very high energy and still don’t sleep through the night always despite being at primary school. I know the kids would rather their parents were together, but that was outside my control.

There’s too many variables. Most people would like a main home not two. Reading threads on here, dc often don’t have their own space in one home as they’re “only there every other week” and new dc are there more so they get the rooms… in those circumstances, 50:50 where one home they’re guests and it’s not their home, sucks.

in situations where there is space, dc don’t have to pack every week as they have toothbrush and clothing at both homes, and parents co parent well, it can work well.

This really.
And then you get the Dads who want it on paper but don’t do it in reality - not 50% of the work involved in having kids, and often not even 50% of the time/ nights as agreed. And quite often not meeting 50% of the costs.

I’m sure it can work but only in the right circumstances.

We do it. Is it what I wanted? Well, no. I’d like to see my kids all the time. But so would their dad. So we do 50/50.

The kids have one stable home with parents who do all the moving around. Works for us.

Just curious about this. Do you have a separate property where one of you retreats when you don't have the kids? That doesn't appeal to me - sick of sharing a space with my partner (the fucking banging about, LOUD snoring and swearing I am hearing tonight! Ffs!). This set up sounds like sharing two spaces, although you live in them at different times.

My cousin does it with his ex. His wife moved out quite out of the blue for him and it did blindside him but they have managed a very amicable split. The kids are teens and go between houses a couple of days at a time. They are well adjusted and I have really admired that the parents put them first.

It works very well for the following reasons.

both parents were very hands on and present before the split
they live near each other so kids can get to school from both houses
they communicate well and can deal with seeing each other a lot
they are both flexible. The mum travels often for work and each week looks different. Sometimes she’s abroad for over a week. The dad is a teacher so regular hours and school holidays off.

It works well for them. I would say they make it look easy but they both work hard to communicate and plan to make sure they all know what’s going on.

Yes separate property - it’s fine. Only shared spaces are living spaces. We are both pretty clean and tidy - any minor irritations worth it to keep kids in their own home.

It might sound ideal to you personally but what about the child in all of this? My Dd would hate 50/50

And some children have chosen it on this thread 😊

My DS never knew any different.

I wouldn't really say I chose it, ex wanted to do it and as there was no concerns about his parenting my solicitor advised me that a court would look at 50/50 as a default option. I wouldn't say he's the best or even an organised dad but he always shows up for DD and she adores him and I think she's hate me if I wanted to go to court to move away from 50/50, plus I don't really have any basis too. Just because he doesn't parent to my standard doesn't mean she is at risk.

DD10 also seems to like that we are with heavily involved and we try to minimise the need for her to carry items between houses.

Personally I quite enjoy the freedom when she's with him as I can focus on work, house work etc and it means she has my full attention when she's with me.

My ex husband and I separated when our young was very young. It was probably more 70/30 initially but by the time our child was 4 it had evolved into 50:50.

We have lived near each other ever since and the time is split in week.

From my own, perhaps selfish perspective, there have been times where I have absolutely hated it. Whilst he is a good parent, I strongly feel that I am the better parent. I have facilitated him being able to have 50:50 contact both directly and through my own family supporting him. He is without his own support network (not his own doing).

However, ultimately it has been the best thing for our child. Happy, confident, well adjusted. That is worth far more than my occasional irritation about the above. It was a conscious decision.

Broadly speaking we are very much on the same page regarding everything that matters, which helps immeasurably. I wouldn’t say we are friends, but we are friendly.

I chose it (or rather we did) and in some ways it works well, but it's not ideal. But it's also not ideal divorcing in the first place. I'd prefer to have DD a bit more, so maybe 60/40 or 70/30, but i'm glad her Dad wants to be involved.

On the positive side, he does pull his weight, but I do spend a lot of time reminding him about stuff. It's nice having time to myself, time to socialise and time to get things done. On the days i don't have DD I get on top of my housework and this means that i can be more present with DD on the days that i have her.

Negative aspects are: Sometimes it feels like we're sharing an object, rather than a small person with their own wants an needs. As DD has got older she's started to express that she feels like a bit of a nomad, and would like to be with me a bit more. It's difficult to know how to broach this with my ex-H, without hurting his feelings or damaging their relationship. I have explained that it's great that her Dad wants to see her as much as he does, and she did agree with that because she is aware of friends who don't have much of a relationship with their Dad's.

It helps if you can work together to create a cohesive parenting style across both households for continuity. And you also need to be able to communicate effectively as co-parents. It isn't an easy option, and i'm not always sure if it's in the child's best interests for the reasons outlined above. I just hope that when our DD grows up she'll be glad that she had equal opportunity to develop a close bonds with both me and her Dad.

Id hate being away from my kids but so would their dad. The kids should also have equal access so 50/50 would be best for everyone.

There are some men who quickly re enter a relationship in order to find some other woman to do the actual child care. In those circumstances 50/50 is pointless.

This would be my preference if we ever ended up in this situation. Kids stay in family home all the time and parents do the going between. Good to know it works for you!