AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I still think you are fixated on the wrong thing here

step back and think about how you want your and your kids lives to be going forward - what’s the healthiest solution for you as an individual and for your kids. I sense it’s probably not staying married as it seems your DH is dismissive and uncaring

The wealth they have cements my view further. This is not a once in a lifetime holiday or a situation where they were doing something extremely thoughtful or generous where them losing money would have caused them real financial issues.

They could have waited. Really really inappropriate and insensitive of them.

I am also starting to think this is divorce territory. But wondering if your DH is successful in his own right or whether he's so quick to please his parents as he's worried about being cut out of their will.

I understand what you are saying. When I lost my child I still had to get on with future planning and dealing with other family matters among it all. Life going on is one of the hard realities of loss and trauma. Especially when you have children. It does sound like OP had told the ILs no though, and they kept pushing? In that case, it's not appropriate.

I do wonder if they were thinking that after going along with all this with their mother, OP's children maybe needed something to look forward to? I know, after our loss, one of the best things we did was go away on a special kind of trip. Getting out of that space is really helpful.

Yes, you are. You are doing precisely that.

Your post is all, I, I, I. Me, me, me. This isn't about you.

Perhaps OP quite understandably had other priorities at the time. Her own family. Her grief. And she failed during that time to acknowledge that her in-laws were Masters of the Universe.

It's highly understandable, permissible behaviour in the circumstances even if it happened (OP says she declined from the beginning).

Whereas their actions, on the other hand?

Your ILs and husband are being unreasonable.

You had already said no to the holiday. That's should have been the end of it.

ILs then expected your to fit in with their travel and reconsider the day after your dad's funeral.

Your husband continues to prioritise their needs. Clearly your needs and feeling will never come first.

So sorry 💐

I think trying to force an answer from you the day after your Dad's funeral - particularly when you've already made it clear you are struggling - is terrible behaviour and indicates a huge lack of sensitivity.

The holiday itself is irrelevant.

It's about insisting on a response when you know the other person is dealing with issues which are far more pressing to them.

Leaving the booking to a later point, or even postponing the idea of the holiday until a much later stage, would have given you space to think and hopefully look forward to it.

and here it is.

no wonder you feel so let down. It's not really about the holiday though that may be how it has come to a head.

what do you want to happen now? does your husband acknowledge or accept any need for change on his side?

Because she went non-contact because her in-laws booked a holiday for her whilst she was not in a position to talk about it…excessive much?

Other people in this situation can also be unreasonable, in this instance the OP and other people in the story.

I’m not sure what they’ve done wrong here. Seeing how much your family means to you which I’m sure they would have heard a lot of over the years, they decided to let you spend time with them alone before they arrive. I bet you would have had something else to say if they were there early like they took the attention from your sister etc.
I can see the part where they’re being unreasonable because they were giving you an ultimatum before your dad’s funeral, that was insensitive, what I find hard is that a year later, you refused to let your kids go on that holiday they’ve already spent money on. I can understand if you don’t go but I can honestly see why your husband is not okay with this anymore. He’s told you he can’t be in the middle, if you feel you’ll never be back in contact with them then it’s the end of your marriage.

I can!

It's difficult to explain exactly, but there are families who make it all about them and where generosity is very much on their terms and double-edged. No one else gets a look-in and they're annoyed when the focus, for whatever reason, is taken off them.

It sounds like the OP's PILs might be in this category. In which case they were probably pushing the holiday because they were annoyed that the focus was on the OP's dad.

Could your husband have gone with the kids? I would be gutted if I was him in this position and you said the kids couldn't even go.

I don’t understand why it needed thought and discussion. You obviously dislike them, find them manipulative and overstepping and have had a difficult relationship for over 20 years and don’t enjoy their company so of course you wouldn’t want to go on holiday with them. Why couldn’t you just say that in both August and September? Sorry if I’ve misread but it sounds very much like you told your dh you didn’t want to go (or more woolilly - didn’t want to think about it) and he failed to pass the message on. Did you actually reply directly to them in August/September and say “I don’t want to go in this holiday and will not allow my dc to go either”? Tbf I’d be fine with my dh going with the dc - it sounds like an amazing holiday and your dh gets on with them in a way you don’t. You didn’t tell him he couldn’t go, did you?
People do have to do other things while they wait with their dying and grieve their dead. I lost my dad when I was in secondary school. His last stint in hospital was about 3 months and I was sitting by his bed doing German vocab and acid + base = salt + water. I played in a netball tournament a few days after on top of helping with all the admin and correspondence that death brings and shopping for the wake etc. Were you actually burying him at the time of the message or was it just during the period of time that you were away for?
Either way this is not a reason for divorce. Get divorced for other reasons if you like but this is a storm in a teacup. You don’t want to go on holiday. You aren’t going on holiday. This is not a terrible violation. It’s just interaction with relatives who see things differently from you.

I suspect they spent weeks going back and forwards because your husband was telling them you didn't want to go but he did, I don't think they're to blame in this scenario and you have slightly overreacted to the whole situation.

I've lost parents too, so I do say this gently, but it doesn't seem fair to let your husband and children miss out on such a huge holiday due to your grief over losing your dad. Life does go on, and your children deserve to see that after losing their grandfather, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted any of you to miss out on such an experience.

It's evident from their actions that they are a) used to people acquiescing to what they want because they have wealth and b) well-versed in their ability to buy people.

Awful in laws and a weak spineless husband.
I am so sorry OP.
Yanbu.

@OneAquaHare To start with I did think you were being a tad unreasonable because it seemed that they wanted to do something nice for you and your family, and it was just unfortunate timing.

Having read your updates however, they now appear to be rather controlling and expect everyone to do what they want, when they want. Their way or the highway. I also feel it concerning that your husband is weaponising his own therapy against you, and says that his therapist completely disagrees with yours. Have you told your own therapist about that?

Ok well I'm going to leave this thread now because as I say, I'm dealing with the imminent loss of my own father right now too (something that apparently has not struck a chord).

I hope you work this out in the way that is least damaging for you and your family. All the best.

What is blatantly obvious is that the DH wanted to go on the holiday with the children.

He wouldn't have asked OP for a 'definite' answer if he'd accepted she turned it down. He'd have just repeated the refusal to his parents and left it at that.

He thought OP was wrong to turn down a holiday on everyone's behalf and was hoping that by continuing to ask she'd change her mind.

How old are your DC? What's their relationship with their grandparents like, even very young children will pick up on this tension, so are they constantly treading on eggshells to keep the peace between you & your in-laws?

OP, I can relate to this so much.💐

I lost my parents when our dc were under 5 years of age. They died within a couple of years of each other, both after long illness (neither were older than 65).

I had always had a close relationship with my husband's parents, but his mother can be extremely insensitive. The insensitive things said by her during my parent's illnesses and death's are too numerous to list. Something happened on the day of my father's funeral that resulted in my MIL having to stay at my house for a week after my mother's funeral; a lovely holiday for her. Being around her upbeat, happy manner, (jolly whistling along in the kitchen etc.) was incredibly hard for me.

My husband would regularly say that we either put up with it, or go no contact but either way, he would support me. MIL has a history of putting wedges into people's marriages and successfully managed to help cause the breakdown of her own daughter's marriage many years before.

This all happened a long time ago but the end result was that I felt completely trapped and alone in my head. I felt I had no voice, no one listened so I just gave up. I think it's what people would describe as the shell of the person I once was (my best friend's words to me). It's very hard to explain the feeling but maybe you understand. We had some marriage counselling, and I had counselling alone.

My husband eventually ended our marriage. How much of that was a result of all the general resentment, I cannot tell you. I was sad at the time but I am a different person now with a lovely boyfriend of 7 years whose parents are lovely. I don't ever leave them feeling upset and hurt about something they have said. I actually get on very well with my exH and I visit my MIL. In small doses and not being tied by marriage, I actually now enjoy seeing her.

Do not let anyone tell you that you have no right to feel how you feel. I don't know how you banish - or come to terms with - resentment but this is what you feel, and it is one of the most damaging emotions in a marriage. I think you could probably settle it in your mind somehow.

I wonder if a holiday, just the 4 of you, before this big IL's holiday might help?

I think it's understandable to be angry, your dad's death and your grief were treated like an inconvenience. If you've said no (repeatedly) it doesn't matter how 'nice' a holiday it would be

I do wonder if OP said no, DH communicated wish to go and uncertainty to his parents, so his parents weren't even clear what was happening and were confused themselves - because DH was conflicted and giving them conflicting feedback. From their end, it would be very frustrating to feel messed about, so maybe they just wanted to resolve it. OP then felt harassed because she felt she'd been clear, but there was all this other stuff DH was doing to muddy the waters. Then DH maybe lead them to believe that OP might feel differently then, and the kids would love go, so they decided to go ahead and book. Communication breakdown from everyone but OP then.

I'm sorry about your dad.

I think the whole holiday shit easily could have waited until you had time to grieve. Your in laws fixated on this and rather than compromise and put it off for another year or so, they bulldozed you and your husband is spineless unless it comes to you. He doesn't have your back. What the previous poster says about them using this holiday to get attention during this time sounds like it could be the case.

You were not in a fit state to think about it. They acted without your go ahead. I do think the holiday and your dad's death have become conflated in your mind because your in laws and your husband wouldn't fucking let it go while your remaining parent was dying. I see you're already having therapy, is it with a trauma informed therapist?

I think you being no contact right now is you doing what's best for you. Because they bulldozed you at such a horrific time, you're protecting yourself. You're not keeping your husband and kids away from them, just yourself. That's not being controlling. What's controlling is your husband trying to dictate that you will be back in contact with his parents or he'll divorce you.

Your husband is weaponizing his therapy against you and that's pretty inappropriate, to say the least. Tell him you don't wish to discuss his therapy with him. Do not agree to any joint counseling with him. He's controlling.

I'd be seeing a lawyer to get info on where you stand in case of a divorce.

This. Exhausting.