AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I am sorry about your Dad
The main thing for me here is your H insisting that you are in a relationship/contact with his parents
As long as you are not hindering his or the childrens relationships with them he has no right to tell you that. I have been NC with my in laws before and I did not consider it any of my H's business

I think this too op. I think you have entwined the holiday issue with your understandable grief over your dad, and are building it up into something bigger than it is. Should they have booked the holiday when they did, probably not. But they sound like decent people, and never speaking to them again seems way out of proportion to me.

So, from the updates you just don't like them and they're dammed if they do and dammed if they don't. You give an example of them trying to give you space as a negative! Whilst also complaining about this. You talk a lot about how you're feeling, but how is everyone else feeling after this has been going on for a year? You don't seem to have any ability or desire to see things from anyone else's perspective, even putting your PILs aside, what about your children and husband who have had to live with you. Grief is hard, but life doesn't stop even when it feels like your world has fallen to pieces. How this thread has gone from 2 messages that merely required a yes/no answer from you, to cries of being bombarded and harangued at the funeral is amazing, some posters are just here for drama....OP if you're going to blow your life and marriage apart over this, thats your choice and none of the PPs that are disgusted, or amazed that posters like me are suggesting perspective are going to be there are they, just you and your sense of winning.

This. I think they’ve tried to do something lovely for you and you’re throwing it back in their face.

I am shocked that other say YABU. Who wants to go on a forced holiday with PIL right near when their parent has slipped into a coma and died? Also: why can’t they listen to you? You have a husband problem. Does he ever stand up for you?

Wouldn't 'decent' people recognise that 1) it wasn't the right time to book and 2) when confirmed by the OP that it wasn't the right time to book, to drop it?

'Decent' people respect other's wishes. They don't steam-roller over them.

They're probably the types who are telling all their friends about how they booked this expensive holiday to help the OP over her grief to make themselves look good.

Your DH is the problem. He should have supported your decision and simply told your parents this wasn’t the right time to book a holiday. That should have been the end of it. Now he’s weaponising his therapy, telling you your therapy isn’t valid (his comment about them telling you what you want to hear) and now threatening divorce.

@OneAquaHareim so sorry about your father. I had a miscarriage that I really struggled with which coincided with another event, and the two things became always linked in my mind and really triggering afterwards. I wonder if this is what has happened here and other posters have suggested. Not excusing their behaviour during that period but to explain why it remains so devastating for you.

It is a bit hypocritical for your DH to say your therapist is just agreeing with you because it’s their job to make you feel better, but then citing his own therapist as an authority that you aren’t owed an apology 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I wonder if there is some language your therapist could help you come up with to explain to him and your in laws why the holiday and their behaviour during that episode is so painful for you

what has your therapist advised you in terms of strategies for dealing with your in-laws? I found it really hard I was just obsessed with this one issue and I do remember my therapist saying it’s occupying too much psychological space. It did involve my in-laws and I avoided them, I was fortunate that I found out afterwards that my DH had told them they needed to be more sensitive around me. He needs to do better here stating the obvious. In the past when I’ve had trouble getting my DH to understand my point of view I’ve asked my therapist literally to script what to say to him and it has helped xx

OP, I hope you are okay and will stay with those of us who understand. 💐

After your updates yanbu, unfortunately I can't change my vote as I'm on the app.
I think their wealth comes with a large smattering of entitlement. I'm sorry your dh doesn't have your back op.

I think they should've just waited. Clearly you were in no fit state to make plans for the future when your dad was dying and anyone with an ounce of sympathy would have respected that - perhaps approached the subject in a years time.

Now they have, I think it's best if you start to let it go, mostly for your own sanity. Being so very upset doesn't change anything and it's building so much resentment that it's not healthy. Yes, your husband too could've had your back more, he should have just said no from the start, he didn't need to wait to talk to you when he could clearly see you were in the pits of hell. Don't go on holiday, clearly you won't want to spend any time with them, but try and move on and slowly, hopefully the whole family can patch things up.. but don't be pressured again, if your husband choses his parents over you and the kids, let him, he's blackmailing you. Grieve your dad for your dad, don't think of the holiday and in-laws.

Your in laws sound awful but I think the real problem here is your husband, he owes you the biggest apology.

When my dad was dying in a very similar fashion my DP and my in laws put absolutely no pressure on me about anything. Nor did my friends or anyone who loved me. I completely understand what you are saying and I'm sorry.

Do you like them and did you have a good relationship woth them previous to this ?

I think YABU. I don't think what happened with your mum passing years ago is relevant tbh. I think discussing the holiday with your DH while you were otherwise occupied dealing with more important issues was fine, he spoke to you and should have just answered for the both of you - either yes or no. Perhaps they needed to secure the booking by a set date, I don't know but I don't think the ILs did anything terrible. On the contrary, I think they tried to do something nice for you and your family, which perhaps once the grief subsides you will be able to appreciate, or at least see it for what it is. Threatening to go NC because of it, is OTT I'm afraid.

I think it is really clear you are transferring your grief and anger at the world that you have lost your parents, to this situation with your PIL and the holiday. Anger is easier to deal with than grief, and anger at people is easier to deal with than anger at illness, life and the unfairness.

Have you had any counselling since your Dad died? I think you would really benefit from it, as your anger at the moment towards DH and your PIL is really damaging things for you. You are at risk of losing your marriage because of this.

You have cut your PIL off over a holiday booking for the following year, when they have been so supportive to you in the past. They clearly care about you and wanted to do something nice. There is nothing within what you have written to suggest they were being manipulative in any way. It seems they were trying to do something nice, wanting to do something, anything for you all, whilst knowing there was nothing they could really do to make things better for you at the time as you were going through hell.

Please think about having counselling. I had it years after my Dad died when I was relatively young and it really helped me unpick my feelings and responses to things and how they were connected to the time when he was ill and his death.

@OneAquaHarei would just add it’s easy to accuse you of an overreaction when this is reduced to a holiday having been booked without your permission. This is really about whether your DH recognising your vulnerability while your father was dying, the fact he didn’t prioritise you over his parents in that moment. Also whether the fact when you said “no” it wasn’t respected and he is still isn’t acknowledging your experience of that time and feelings now 🫂

What they did was shitty and rude, you deserve a proper apology.
However some of the language you use screams slightly, dare I say, new age, Internet physiologist, cut everyone out if they do anything wrong type of behaviour. ' cutting off/weaponised/ traumatic'....
These are all new terms thrown around the Internet.

I haven't explained that well but I have lost a parent, as has many many people, it's an awful experience but one that everyone goes through. Various family members did things wrong in the time it was happening but it's quite something to have such dramatic reactions to human behaviour.

People are not good or bad, people do stupid things, insensitive things,lovely things, hurtful things etc. It makes people human.
It's scary watching how so many younger people declare they are cutting people off or that they are traumatised. I'm only 40 but I know That this isn't normal.

You don't have to be best friends with them but you are a whole family unit, your children are their grandchildren, your husband is their son. Just keep out of their way, let your husband and kids go on holiday if you don't want to go.

I can’t believe the votes are in favour of the dh and in-laws. I can’t get my head round that.

It’s your husband that is the problem. He needed to advocate for you, foster the relationship with them and protect you during grief.

They were wrong but you massively over reacted. You’ve also denied your kids the most incredible experience just to prove a point. Going NC and risking your marriage because of this is very disproportionate to their initial behaviour.

I understand that for you this has been completely wrapped up in losing your Dad and that’s why you’ve reacted how you have - but I do think that your reaction was too much.

Im so sorry for your loss, and going to go against the grain here…. Do they have a history of not listening to you, never apologising , gaslighting you if you bring up hurt? Do they band together saying they are ‘concerned’ about your mental health making you seem the unstable one.

I bet you feel disrespected, unheard , know your pain yet refuse to say sorry … so avoiding taking accountability. I understand your anger.

This screamed narcissistic family to me but because of my own experience with inlaws. It take me a really long time to see it for what it is.

This is EXACTLY the type of thing my inlaws would do… if the focus was on my parents, they would suddenly do something generous (so who could argue with that) but the real motive was, look at me, look at me instead how generous and nice i am.

IF you have a history with them being like this, and felt always controlled and manipulated, please look at narcissistic family systems. Sadly looks like your husband is enmeshed with them.

They knowingly picked the worst possible moment to do this. You asked them to wait and they ignored you. On the face of it booking a holiday seems like a nice thing to do but in actual fact I don't think they gave a single moment's thought to what you actually needed or wanted - THEY wanted to go on holiday, and so they booked it anyway. Incredibly insensitive timing. They didn't even give you time to book leave from work or school, or ask you if that is even a destination you would enjoy going to? I would hate to go on safari and would hate to be forced to travel, never having even agreed to it in the first place. They sound like bullies. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, he doesn't have your back at all.

OP, kindly, you have had an extreme overreaction to the situation. Sadly, people die everyday and the world still turns. Your PIL's seem guilty of being a tad insensitive, but to go NC is unreasonable.
This holiday was 12 months down the line and would have probably been a nice place to visit for all of the family.
I do think your DH was wanting to go so didn't communicate your wishes properly. I also think that was why he asked you by text on the day of the funeral. He could have handled it more sensitively.
I imagine you have been very difficult to live with since then and your husband has had enough. I can also well imagine a therapist reacting to his many woes on the subject by saying what he said.
I am really sorry that you are grieving, but life does go on, even though you think it should stop.
I have had some losses and sadly we just have to find a way to cope that doesn't blow up everyone around us.
Your children will be the ones to suffer if you go NC and your marriage may not survive. Think long and hard before you push this any further. Sorry for you loss OP.

I'm surprised so many people think it's lovely to book something for someone after they've declined it multiple times!

They should have understood that it wasn’t the right time to book. I would feel how you do. Your husband can disagree, but to say what he has to try you to force you to change your mind is very wrong. I wouldn’t want to be married to a man capable of such manipulation so if that would mean divorce, fine.

I’d be hated even more, I don’t agree with the ethics of these safari type holidays so they have been told that too.

I am sorry about your loss of your parents. x