AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

We’ve been married 20 years and they always been weird about both sides of the family spending time together. They turned up 2 hours late to our son’s first birthday party because they thought I would want to spend time with my family alone (my sister and her kids were the only other family who were able to make it). They also told my husband’s brother to turn up 2 hours late too, without us knowing about it.

I have read your OP twice, and your updates.

At first reading i thought YABU. On second reading i think YANBU. It was the sheer insensitivity of them looking to the future and happy family holidays etc when you were going through something horrific. The pushing for answers around the funeral was particularly bad.

I can understand why you feel that it looks like your suffering and dad's death just didn't matter to them.

Only you know what they're really like. You could look at it that they were trying to do something nice, something for you to look forward to during a traumatic time. Or, that they are narcissistic/ controlling and were showing complete disregard for your situation. Only you know them well enough.

Only you know them well enough too to know how they treated you after your mother's death. Is there any past anger from how they acted around that time?

It does sound like you need grief counselling, couples counselling and individual therapy to unpick some very complex and deep rooted issues.

Best wishes OP.

It is most definitely not ‘controlling’ to expect an adult to have the decency to politely decline a holiday before the deposit deadline. She wasn’t exactly given 24 hours to decide this either! Respect works both ways!

But she had said she didn’t want to go, and was literally at her dad’s funeral when they were bombarding her with ultimatums? Have you never heard of gifts being weaponised? A gilded cage?

Say I offered you a new kitchen, you replied that you were happy with the one you’d got, and then I decided to start bombarding you with messages about needing to change it, the colour of the units, what cooker to get, whether to have wooden or marble worktops when you had already said you didn’t want it, and when you were literally still at your mum’s funeral- would that be fine?

The OP did politely decline. Right from the start.

Unfortunately for those who think like them, and you, it is not possible to buy everyone.

Are you not reading OP’s posts? They booked without her agreeing. She did decline. They then continually insisted she reconsider. Her husband is also at fault for passing on these messages.

It’s pretty clear how you feel about this. What’s the point in continually haranguing the OP? She’s clearly not interested in your opinion, and frankly I’m getting bored of reading your overly dramatic responses. We get it already.

I am so sorry for your losses but you really need to let your anger towards your PIL go and move on.

You would do well to find a counsellor who can help you to move on which it doesn't seem that your current therapist is doing.

Your marriage would probably benefit from Couple's counselling, so that you both know exactly what is being said.

Sadly losing one or both parents is a part of life for every single one of us and we simply can't expect everyone around us to put their own lives on hold while we grieve.

But she did decline. Right from first being asked.

I think you should get therapy, i understand you have been through a hard time but they are trying to do something nice for your family. At the very least allow your husband to take the children if you don't want to go

I'm not saying it's not insensitive, or that they should have done it. But that's a different question from proportionality.

I genuinely can imagine this situation as, as I said, I am in it right now myself. And if this happened to me, I would say 'not dealing with this right now, we'll discuss down the line' and put it aside while I was focusing on my dad. I would not say 'well me and the kids aren't going then' (which isn't really fair on your kids and is kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face) and got into a big struggle about it at that moment. That was an option.

And as someone also experiencing this now, again I am really sorry for your loss. I just wonder if exploding your family is the right way to handle this or will make things any better.

I did decline it, multiple times. They repeatedly ignored me and harassed me to change my mind, including at my dad’s funeral.

Holding onto this level of bitterness is not healthy. Your in laws were thoughtless, insensitive and domineering but they didn't do this out of malice. A year has passed and you are still angry which is affecting your relationship with your husband.

They made a mistake, however it doesn't deserve this extreme punishment. Time to move on, talk to them about how it made you feel and draw a line under it.

I think this is all very sad. Their intentions seem to have been very good, extremely generous to want to do this for you and your family. I have never had anyone pay to take me and my children on any form of holiday, let alone a safari! This should not have become a no contact scenario, and they must be very hurt. I think you need some external therapy to work through your feelings around this. It sounds like you are really struggling and need some help.

I also do not think anything good comes from demanding apologies and giving ultimatums.

I tried that. They didn’t listen. They spent the weeks after my dad’s death demanding a final answer. They were the ones who decided it had to be these dates or never. There was no offer to cancel and talk about it at a better time, even though they absolutely can afford to have that kind of flexibility.

What's wrong with you? You can think that OP is wrong without being so hideously unkind to a grieving woman.

Is there another reason why you do not want to go on this holiday l, or for your family to go on this holiday, other than the timing of the booking? Are you anxious about a safari or whether you will all get along? It feels like something more could be at play.

This is exactly my point. I lost my Dad suddenly at 26 and had ZERO support as I was single at the time with barely any other remaining family. I still had to go to work, plan a funeral and be a functioning member of society. I was absolutely capable of composing a polite text message or voicemail thanking someone for their generous offer and explaining that sadly I’m unlikely to be able to make it…..etc etc. I may not have been able to do so until a few days after the funeral but if the holiday was booked when op says it was, then the deposit deadline wouldn’t have been until long after the funeral would likely have been - though I obviously don’t know that for sure.

Are people really suggesting that a wife & mother would be too bereft to compose a text/letter/email 2 or 3 weeks after a (very sad) loss of a parent?

*To be clear, I am ABSOLUTELY NOT downplaying OP’s loss

They need to apologise for their mistake, though. Personally, I can forgive almost anything if the person admits they're in the wrong.

His parents wanted to do something nice for your family but you are ?so controlling usually? he couldn’t agree
on your behalf at a time when you didn’t want to be bothered with it ? And because they tried to not bother you , you feel violated?

I can see this will cost you your marriage

and the majority here agree YABU but you still won’t accept that you might have overreacted ?

do you subconsciously want to separate your DH from his family because you have lost yours ?

Why does everything go through your DH? You could have contacted them and said thank you for the offer of a lovely holiday but the time isn’t right?

Could it be the fact they are millionaires the reason why your husband wont check them?

I don't know about the holiday thing, and I don't think it really matters. No one should be defined by their worst moments. You (and they, and your husband) can only play with the cards you hold now, today. The question is what you do now, not how you got here.

However I think your husband is wrong to make this a marriage ending situation. It's the ultimate emotional blackmail. Effectively he is picking his parents' approval over your feelings. I can't even conceive of my husband doing this. But perhaps the fact he has is unfortunately a symptom of his more general lack of regard for you. You are spot on when you say "my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour.". He will continue to fail to do this, but worse he is saying it is very important to him not "allow" you to protect yourself from them too. Holidays aside, that is not how someone who loves you behaves IME.

If you do split up over this he will probably take the kids on this holiday anyway. Though that is less important than the marriage issue.