AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

100% agree.

They were wrong to book without clearing it with you, but I’m afraid I think you’re unnecessarily bringing your dad's illness and death into the situation (probably because it brought up the sadness of your mum's death too).

I'm surprised if either therapist is actually giving their personal opinion on the matter - I didn’t think therapists did that.

Sorry but I think refusing to speak to them again is an overreaction. You’re fixating on the "wrong" you think they’ve done you, but is it really worth creating a permanent rift in the family and perhaps even breaking up your marriage? I think some proportionality is needed.

I disagree with the cod psychologists on here who keep insisting OP is projecting onto her innocent in-laws. Their behaviour, and that of your husband, was totally over the line.

It’s very clear from reading your posts that the apple has not fallen far from the selfish, manipulative tree with your husband. If I was threatened with divorce I would take it, fuck being held hostage by someone who treats you like shit.

Guarantee if it was FIL dying and you tried to bully and pressure DH or MIL into committing to a massive holiday the subsequent year, they would understand why that behaviour was totally unacceptable. Who cares if they weally weally wanted to book it in? Who cares if that was the only chance to get those dates? You have to be a monster to think any of that justifies haranguing a grieving daughter.

Their ‘behaviour’ crossed the line?! WTF? They simply wanted a yes or a no A YEAR IN ADVANCE so that they didn’t lose hundreds of pounds! My god. This is really pissing me off. I know it’s a MN trend to treat in laws like shit but this is batshit.

Holidays can be cancelled though, and they ultimately did. So they might well have thought ok let's just do it and we can see.

You are not being unreasonable - to expect you to even think about holidays or anything non-essential at a time when you are caught in a whirlwind of grief is incredibly selfish. When my dad died after a long illness any non essential decision on top of dealing with that was impossible for a while. My husband was the same when his mum died.

They are obviously selfish and insensitive people, and the fact that they and your husband cannot see why you are upset, and takes their side is only entrenching your feelings.

They have persisted in talking about holidays and making holiday decisions during one of the most traumatic and emotional parts of your recent life, and after you asked them not to, and now the two (their holiday and your grief) are linked in your brain. It does not matter what their intentions were, they lacked empathy and were selfishly unwilling to put it on one side while you processed your grief, because fundamentally it was what they wanted to do.

Its not really about being unreasonable- you have been asked to process something you clearly were not able to at the time, and have been left unable to separate the two in your mind.

However, you need to get through this - and you need to manage your feelings for your own sake, whether you want to stay married or not. Acknowledge to yourself that you are never going to get understanding from people who think the period around your dads funeral is the appropriate time to hassle you to discuss a holiday. They obviously are unable to empathise with you so stop expecting them to. Your husband has made it clear what he thinks. His ultimatum possible lacks empathy too, he just wants everything to be ok.

Focus on your own therapy, recovery and if you do want to stay married. You can resume contact without being best friends with them. Try and let your anger go, as a lot of it is really about your dad too, not them. Try and recognise that they were in their own selfish way trying to do something nice. Smile nicely and hope they have a lovely holiday and then get eaten by a lion.

Exactly. My heart breaks for these in laws.

To me it sounds a bit like they were annoyed that your dad was naturally the centre of attention, OP, because he was ill and then dying and then you were organising his funeral. So the attention was on him, not on them. They may have felt a bit neglected during this stressful time, so used the holiday as a way to redirect attention back onto them. I hope I'm wrong, but from your update it does sound a bit like this.

Their behaviour COMPLETELY crossed a line. Any money lost would have been totally and utterly their own stupid, selfish faults. They insisted on booking at a time that one of the people they wanted to go could not commit either way. That’s on THEM. They should have waited. There was zero reason they couldn’t wait other than not caring about OP and wanting her to fall in line with their own wishes.

My in-laws are millionaires. They own 3 houses, in 3 different countries that they spend the entire year flitting between. They go on multiple extravagant and expensive holidays a year. They still went on this holiday without us, and then added an extra 2 week safari in Botswana on the end of it. They could have afforded to book this whenever they wanted - they just decided not to wait.

Yes I have and I still think OP is bang out of order.

You are not wrong at all.

Unfortunately the death of a loved one has a painful habit of teaching you who is really there for you, and cares for your feelings when the worst happens, and who isn't.

My relationship with my in-laws never recovered after the behaviour of DH's sister directly after my mother's death (young). I really do feel for you.

They were paying for her to go on a holiday of a lifetime! The only ‘behaviour’ there, is generosity! Good grief

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your husband is telling you who his priority is and it’s not you. It’s not you putting him in the middle here as you put your boundary down and none of the three of them respected it.

They were in the wrong. Why on earth didn’t they back off and be sensitive and let you have some time while you were dealing with your family emergency. It’s a holiday, not a life or death situation. They can be booked at any time. And yes, you don’t book a holiday for someone else’s children without their permission. It is weird and controlling.

sorry you’ve got this going on. I disagree with your husband. You don’t ‘need’ contact with his parents to have a successful marriage. It’s his parents, he can communicate with them as he wishes. Your loss of your dad is still recent and perhaps in time you might feel able to have a relationship with them. But at the moment you are hurting from their treatment of you and if they cared about you and their son’s marriage they would just back off. What difference does it make to them if you see them or not? None. It’s about their ego.

But hang on they’d had the answer! She had already said that she and the kids wouldn’t go. They were then bombarding the OP with ultimatums trying to get her to change her mind including when she was still away for her own dad’s funeral. That’s completely out of line.

Would you do that to a friend or family member? Because I certainly wouldn’t.

During dealing with end of life care and the aftermath of arrangements etc someone bugging me about a fucking holiday would get short shrift.
Deciding what’s for dinner is hard enough during the depths of grief, being asked about dates a year away for something so unimportant, I wouldn’t have been able to process. So I totally get where you’re coming from and why it still hurts.
I don’t know if you’ve handled it right since, I don’t think there is a right way, you just have to do what you do to get through the day.

You are unreasonable here. I think grief is clouding your judgement, I also think that sometimes therapists can be incorrect and self serving, my cousin was in therapy for a few years, she became completely self absorbed, inward looking, blaming everyone and the kitchen sink for her whole life, therapist kept it going and going, going deeper into the issues, presumably because they can keep their clients longer the more they ‘uncover’.
you need to move on, it was a holiday, not the best timing but they didn’t murder anyone. They literally booked a holiday, maybe they aren’t getting any younger and felt it was a good time to go for all and that you would see differently and have a chance to reset away from home. I am pretty sure no one books a holiday for someone out of hatred and malice. Let alone a once in a lifetime trip for their whole family.
I would suggest a new therapist, or a new hobby, anything to stop you swelling on this scenario.
draw a line under it, move on, stop being stubborn and cutting your nose off to spite your face.

It’s of zero importance how much money they have in the bank! That’s none of your business! It certainly doesn’t mean they should be expected to throw it in the bin because you don’t have the decency to politely decline a free holiday a year later!

I’m sorry for your loss OP but I really think it is a major overreaction to say you have “ never felt so abandoned, let down and alone” because your in laws had the audacity to book a once in a life time holiday for you and your DC a whole year after your father died. Why would you object to going? They were a bit clumsy but I expect these things have to be booked in advance and they didn’t want to bother you with it while you were grieving. They sound like nice people and going no contact would be a ridiculous overreaction to what is ultimately a kind gesture

I personally think you need to get a grip they hadn’t booked a day out down the local play centre they booked a holiday which could have been seen as an escape for you, something for you to look forward to and also something beautiful for your children to experience. But instead they were met with this side of you. I’d of been so grateful if I’d had a holiday booked for me not to mention the fact your dad did not pass away and you leave and go the next day it had ample Time inbetween it. I think you’ve done them a wrong one to be honest

It’s not “generosity” to insist someone engages with booking a holiday while they’re trying to bury their father. It’s horrible and controlling.

Generosity - or actually, just simple human decency - would be to recognise that your own desire to book a safari holiday is of secondary importance to your daughter in law grieving her father. You have to be unfathomably selfish to do anything different.

It’s clear to me they didn’t ask because of the difficult time you were in and probably wanted to secure the booking. It’s a nice thing they’ve done for you. Agree with comments about grief transference. Maybe seek counselling

So just to be clear, their crime in all this was booking you an amazing holiday that you could never afford? How bloody dare they.

You sound such high maintenance. You didn't even need to engage regarding the holiday. You have had trauma and I am sorry, but you sound such hard work in this.

it was a while after you’d been through your loss. On about wait.