AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

They were wrong to do it but life is too short to bear a grudge over something that was ultimately well intentioned. You are harming yourself more than anyone. I hope you can get some support to overcome how unhappy it has made you. You don't sound like a bad person, just an upset and grieving one.

Or perhaps he thinks his parents tried to do a nice thing. Perhaps he thinks OP is overreacting.

Maybe he genuinely enjoys spending time with his parents and likes them having a relationship with their grandchildren.

Maybe he really wanted to go the holiday, OP has not suggested otherwise.

Maybe he has no problem with his parents booking holidays and organising things.

Maybe neither of them are servants to his parents and talk of emancipation is nuts!

They booked you a lovely holiday almost a year in advance. You chose to have unnecessary drama about it whilst your dad was dying and now you are still carrying it on.
Yabu. Just don't go on the holiday & let your husband & kids go.

Read back your second sentence and tell me you really aren't this insensitive.

That repetitive and boring that you decided to add to it by being cruel.

Agree that the follow up posts change the story significantly which is why people are not being so sympathetic.

I initially read it as: OP refused to engage with PIL when they made a kind offer to take them away on holiday. PIL put down a fully refundable deposit while waiting for the OP to get back to them while OP disrespectfully strung them along indefinitely. Knowing they needed the OP’s agreement they asked for a final answer after the funeral. OP threw a strop because she thought they were rude for asking her on their timeline not hers.

But in reality the timeline is more like. OP wouldn’t rsvp so PIL put down fully refundable deposit. When PIL followed up with her for an answer OP told PIL directly that she had decided against it. PIL refused to take no for an answer and asked DH multiple times to get her to change her mind. OP repeatedly said that they aren’t going and made it clear to PIL that that was her final answer, however they refused to accept it. OP thinks they are rude and disrespectful and now wants to avoid them.

My guess is that since most of the communication went through DH he wasn’t actually as clear with his PIL as he should have been that the answer was no. Im not sure that PIL are actually the real villains but even so i can see why having a relationship with PIL isn’t worth the headache. it’s the OP’s choice if she spends time with them anyway, regardless of the details of the dispute. DH doesn’t own your time.

I think OP is not only grieving her parents (losing her DF will have reawakened the older, perhaps not fully processed, grief of losing her DM), but the marriage and DH she thought she had: someone who would hold her and put her first, especially when she was at her lowest.

Losing her father in those particular circumstances, and the actions of her DH and in laws would have opened her eyes to certain things.

I am guessing that she is realising that she has been centering her DH and his family quite a lot. Making allowances, putting her own needs, wants and preferences to one side. And this has been the straw that broke the camel's back. A "fuck them all" moment.

It's hard to come back from that.

I’m fully aware how difficult this is to navigate - I’ve been living it for a year. I’ve told my husband that there is a way back to me having some form of contact with his parents, but it starts with him working on how he has allowed his parents’ behaviour to repeatedly negatively influence how he then treats me. At the very beginning of this he did the right thing - he asked them to wait so he could talk to me. But when his parents ignored him and booked it anyway, he did a complete 180, aligned himself with them and abandoned what he blatantly had known was the right thing to do by me and our marriage! And this isn’t a one off - it’s a pattern that has repeated over and over for years. I’ve already accepted that his parents won’t change or ever accept that they hurt me - that’s why I haven’t asked him to confront them or demand an apology from them. If he can work on not ignoring his own instincts about what is best for his marriage when what his parents say or do contradicts that, then we can work on reconnecting. But to avoid even more conflict, I need to stay no contact with his parents until that happens. I’ve been in this family for nearly 30 years - I know exactly how this will go. I cannot walk in there again knowing that my husband will yet again fail to have my back as soon as anything is said by his parents, and I will be left alone with 3 against 1. There is no pretending nothing happened and going back to playing happy families this time. I was harassed by 3 people who are supposed to love me and be my family for weeks when my dad had died, because they had decided they wanted a holiday. I am capable of being civil and polite to them, but my husband also needs to be capable of having my back in front of them, even if he wants to disagree with me on something in private. Me and him are supposed to be the team in our marriage - it’s not supposed to always be him and his parents versus me.

You're not being unreasonable OP.

Clearly he does think and feel all those things. But he thinks and feels much more if he's issuing his wife of over 20 years, together since age 16, a marriage ultimatum when she's still facilitating contact between he, his kids and his parents but just choosing not to be in direct comms with them herself.

You can explain that with "he likes holidays".

We have been told MIL is in the habit of going no contact with him and his siblings herself when displeased and has done that for decades.

So, that OP's reaction to stick up for herself is threatening to DH at a core level is actually quite basic and obvious, if you're paying attention.

I cannot walk in there again knowing that my husband will yet again fail to have my back as soon as anything is said by his parents, and I will be left alone with 3 against 1. There is no pretending nothing happened and going back to playing happy families this time. I was harassed by 3 people who are supposed to love me and be my family for weeks when my dad had died, because they had decided they wanted a holiday.

This is so, so reasonable. It's as I said, they don't see you as a full person, and your husband doesn't see himself as a full person. You behaving like one is really confronting to him as it disrupts his deep belief that he, you, everyone, just has to keep the peace when his parents are unreasonable. It will be a rocky ride, but know that his anger is anger at being shown a mirror, and it's likely necessary anger for him to feel, to go through the process of maturation and individuation that he needs to.

It seems like your DH could have taken off some time from work to help you out during this period. You were handling everything alone and then dealing with your in-laws pestering you about a holiday

I’ve been getting on with things and coping quite well with my grief actually. Had a bit of a wobble on the first anniversary, but I know from experience that that is normal and ok. The whole reason for this post is because my husband dragged it all up again the other day. He is the one who made the ultimatum. He is the one who is threatening to break up the marriage. But he is also the one who doesn’t want to make any effort to look honestly at what went wrong during that time period and what his and his parents’ contribution to it may have been. He wants to pretend like nothing happened and go back to us all playing happy families. That’s not healthy for him, for me or for our marriage.

And thanks for your concern, but I have been volunteering for decades. Maybe you should try to do so more of it yourself - it might make you a bit nicer ✌🏼

❤

I did read the updates

most kids I know would love to do a safari holiday

the in-laws booked it for the following year

thinking it would be a nice treat /something to look forward to after a shit time for the poster

they also wanted to do it before the kids get too old to enjoy /appreciate the holiday

after my mum died , if my dh family had booked a once in a lifetime holiday for me and kids /dh - for the following year - I would have been so touched at their kindness

but this is mn at its best

50/50

some posters like me think op is a little extreme and blowing things massively

others think she is in the right to sulk and not appreciate what a lovely in-laws she has

Your blaming his patents for something that is very clearly wrong in your marriage. You have a husband problem not a PIL problem. I think he is right split up, the way you are holding onto grief and making it your whole personality/life is unhealthy and it can’t be easy for him or your children, you are only thinking about yourself. I think you need counselling OP as you are not prepared to see this from any other angle other than your own you need some help to move on in life or split up from your husband. PIL are definitely not the problem here. Good Luck

The problem is definitely more that your husband doesn't have your back. If he did, he would have put his foot down with his parents. He should have said it was the wrong time to be talking about booking a holiday, and that you wouldn't be going. No further discussion at that point as you needed his/their support in your grief. I would say it's definitely more a problem with his lack of support and understanding for you than his parents being overly dominating, as he could quite easily have shut the holiday thing down. Presenting you with the ultimatum tells me he doesn't care about anything you've said or how you feel. He should be supporting and comforting you in your time of need. So, no, you are not in the wrong for being so upset, don't allow yourself to be gaslit.
I'm so sorry about the death of your dad and the lack of support from those closest to you. I hope you can find a way to resolve things with your husband and in laws (life is too short sometimes, loss teaches you that, as you are undoubtedly aware) but don't be walked over. Your feelings are valid.

OP it’s often said people should have your back as your husband did originally but I disagree they should always have your back.

If he disagrees with certain things he should not be expected to support you regardless of his own feelings. PILs booked the holiday after being asked to wait, they were wrong. It’s okay to be irritated and annoyed about that but maybe you were so angry that he thought your response was unreasonable. If that is the case he is allowed to have his own opinion and if he thinks your response was over the top and wrong he is not obliged to back you unreservedly. I’m not ignoring the fact that the circumstances around your father and your grief will have heightened everything.

He may no longer be supporting you unreservedly as he may think some of the issues with his parents are more your issues than theirs and it’s a you problem rather than a them problem.

Aside from this incident, does he actually think his parents are difficult and overbearing or does he largely think you are the difficult one?

Suggesting the marriage will not survive you being NC with his parents does, on the surface, sound extreme. However, if he generally thinks his parents are okay and you are the one who makes things hard it will have an effect on how he sees you and the relationship. It does seem he thinks you have become so focused on this and wrapped it all up with your grief and that he actually thinks you are in the wrong.

Whether your husband is weak and insensitive or whether you are being bloody-minded and making this into a bigger thing than it should be I don’t know but just digging your heels in isn’t working. You really do need to have a frank and candid conversation about the wider issues and expectations.

Maybe he has no problem with his parents booking holidays and organising things.

You don’t think there’s a problem with an adult in his 40s with his own wife and kids letting his mummy and daddy still have that kind of control over not just his life, but the lives of his wife and kids too? You don’t think that maybe points to something incredibly unhealthy that is happening here? That maybe, just maybe, my husband and his parents aren’t the pinnacle of emotional health that a lot of the responses on here are portraying them as in order to dogpile on me for daring to turn down a free holiday during a time of profound grief?

I think it is more than most of us will never be in a position to be offered a free Haven weekend, let alone a free safari and we can't understand OP's reasoning.

My sister is like OP, still grieving our lovely dad and always will. I don't - that doesn't mean I didnt love him and miss him and wish he was here, but my feelings are different.

Neither way is right or wrong, but the well of sadness for something unending can be very exhausting for everyone.

I’m sorry OP but I honestly don’t know what you want from this. You know the backstory and situation better than anyone else, any suggestion from anyone that you are overreacting is met with intense disagreement and sharing another ridiculous story from the past.,. You’ve clearly made up your mind that this was the straw that broke your marriage so not sure what you want from anyone?

Maybe some reassurance that I’m not completely and totally alone like I have been told I am for a year, and was told once again the other night? I don’t need or expect everyone to agree with me - it is MN, I know the score. And as you quite rightly have pointed out, there is so much more backstory that is impossible to properly convey on here. I have spent the past year being told that I am the only one who would ever feel this way, with only my therapist and my sisters to say otherwise - and I mean my sisters are probably biased, right? The fact that there are still some people who can be told the core basic facts and feel the same way that I do about them means something that I don’t think you can appreciate until you’ve been through something like this. And so many of the people who have disagreed with me have taken the stance of it’s a free holiday, what’s your problem - I’m strong enough to see that for exactly what it is.

so where will you go from here op..?

surely dh won’t actually divorce you over this, that seems ludicrous to me.

There’s quite a bit of that on the thread. The ‘free holiday’ narrative is quite concerning.