AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Thread police?

Exactly what I said. Very hard work. I think no matter what or when her IL’s proposed this holiday she wouldn’t have been happy and would’ve pushed back against it.

I actually do agree with you re OP relishing the drama and NC which is exactly what my toxic aunt does.

We are really only getting her side of the story here not the IL’s and as always the MIL is being painted as the Wicked Witch from the West.

This is another one of those AI, not genuine posters, like the two that were deleted the other day. Same style, similar theme. The OP admitted it on one of the others after 30 pages, also something to do with in laws and was deleted.

This is another one of those AI, not genuine posters, like the two that were deleted the other day. Same style, similar theme. The OP admitted it on one of the others after 30 pages, also something to do with in laws and was deleted.

Agree.

Monstrous:

1- were told by husband not to book. Ignored and booked anyway (whilst Dad was dying)
2 - wouldn't take no for an answer, OPs Dad's dying days dominated by DH pressuring him because they were pressuring him
3 - final answer demand (which had already been given, they were looking for a different answer) day after funeral
4 - in the months since, on seeing the damage that has resulted, have doubled down and not offered an apology
5 - OP describes hubby's first instinct as being 100% aligned with hers until MIL got to him.

Hard to believe they don't realise how seismic an impact it's all had on their grandchildrens' family, yet they're not apologising. If they are blissfully unaware, that sounds like wilful ignorance but it's possible DH is keeping it from them.

It’s ok. There are constant campaigns about mental health and people will tell you to speak up and talk to people. I clearly told everybody around me that I was struggling in the weeks leading up to and after my dad’s death. I was open that I had sought professional help. I clearly told them the completely unnecessary extra stress and conflict this holiday booking was putting on me was making it worse. I was completely ignored and told that their actions were justified because of a free holiday. I’m at a place now where it is genuinely fascinating to me how many people also think this same way, given everything we are supposed to be aware of now when it comes to mental health. If my in-laws had booked it without consent, but expected us to contribute financially, I suspect far more people would have been outraged about them overstepping boundaries and ignoring my grief. But because it was free, none of that matters anymore - I just have to shut up and be grateful, and I’m unhinged if I push back against it in anyway. It’s baffling.

My god, I wish this was AI. Sadly this is my life.

To me non contact seems an over reaction and not particularly helpful to anyone. I can see why you are fed up with them and want a bit of distance. I do think they were trying to do a nice thing and were just insensitive to your turmoil of emotions. I think you have a lot going on and this has blown out of proportion. It might even be a form of displacement as you focus on this rift rather than your grief about your dad. It would be nice if your husband could back you up and explain to his parents why you are so hurt. But ultimately I would say let it go. If they are cross with you because they paid for a holiday that wasn't used just tell them repeatedly that they should have checked before booking. But dial down the drama which is so damaging for all of you

The holiday is a total red herring.

This is the issue
last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues.

He wants to control you to the extent of forcing you to play happy families with his parents, just to make his own life easier. He does not accept your right to see who you choose, or avoid who you choose. He does not respect your basic autonomy.

Call his bluff. Say that you will remain NC with his parents, and will await the divorce papers from him.
But you have to mean it. Never make a threat you are not willing to carry out.
So are you ready to divorce him?

I’m sorry OP. I find it disgusting that people, supposedly your family, overstepped your boundaries when you were at one of the lowest times in your life, the most vulnerable. Saying that it’s a free holiday, and suck it up and keep the peace is not ok. You lost your father. You need time, space and support and focus during this time. Not a holiday where everyone is being thought of- except for you.
I’d be wishing my husband and the kids farewell in that holiday and would be booking myself in for a week at a resort.

I think you are being unreasonable. While your in laws appear to be a bit over bearing and pushy, I think they were trying to get you to go on this holiday with good intentions. They thought it would be a nice thing and weren't really understanding how you felt (I am not sure I do), but I don't think any of it was malicious. They thought when you thought about it, you would want to go. I don't really understand your objections to the holiday from your posts. If it is just that they paid a deposit before you had agreed then aren't you just cutting your nose off to spite your face? Is there a good reason why you wouldn't want this other than not wanting to think about it at that point in time. If you were willing in say 6 months to book it then what real difference does it make? Do you see what I mean? It seems them being presumptious is what has pissed you off?

What strikes me most that your husband didn't shut this down, so perhaps he wanted to go on the trip and hoped you would come around too. While you don't have to go, I am not sure you should get to veto your DH and the children going although as you haven't mentioned it, perhaps this wasn't suggested and your husband wouldn't consider going without you.

I am sorry about your parents but, and I mean this kindly, your grief reaction is extreme. That you are having therepy indicates you are aware of this although it sounds like your therapist isn't really helping. Maybe consider trying a different one? I do think your grief may be manifesting as anger against your in-laws and this is misdirected. If anything, your husband is the one who pestered you. They pestered him and he didn't shut them down and kept pestering you. Still now, he thinks you were unreasonable. Your issue is with your DH here. He was not hearing you.

I lost my dad when I was 24 and my mum in my early 40's so not disimilar. Both were ill for a time which was stressfull, my mum had progressive vascular dementia which is very cruel. I think with kids especially it is good to plan things and have things to look forward too. In between mum dying and the funeral, I took my son (then 7) camping. We were sad but that was ok. Around 3 months later we planned and took a family holiday. We all had a lovely time and my son wasn't sad. He had moments where he missed Grandma but this wasn't all encompassing for him and when it felt that way for me, I tried very hard not to show it. People grieve and cope with grief differently and not everyone can empathise when someone reacts differently to how they would react or how they have seen other people react. I think you all need to try to move on.

He wants to control you to the extent of forcing you to play happy families with his parents, just to make his own life easier.

Going non-contact for trivial reasons knowing it will make everyone else's lives harder is also controlling imo.

OP describes hubby's first instinct as being 100% aligned with hers until MIL got to him.

This is so sexist. Poor little man couldn't think for himself, it must be a woman controlling him.

It is absolutely okay for people to focus on themselves when in the midst of fresh grief from a parents death. I don't know any children that would want their parent to martyr themselves in that situation.

I don’t understand those, including OP, suggesting her going no contact with the in laws does not have to impact her husband and children.

The whole family has been on holiday with them before, if husband chooses to do again he has to go without his wife.

What about Christmases and other family occasions? If her husband wants to spend a weekend with his parents he has to choose between that and spending time with his wife. The kids will have to choose between spending time with their father and grandparents or with their mother which could be really damaging for them. As they’re old enough and intelligent enough to make mature decisions about vaccines they’re old enough to understand exactly what is happening and it won’t be pleasant for them.

The OP going unilaterally no contact is not a neutral action, it impacts all of them including her husband and their children.

However much OP tries to prevent this negativity affecting her husband’s or children’s relationship with his parents it’s likely to cause massive issues in the future.

Again, OP doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do and should not be coerced into seeing people against her wishes but she would be very naive to think it’ll be easy to navigate. It’ll likely cause many more arguments and deep resentment.

The OP may struggle to change her feelings but she does have choice about how she reacts. If, having considered the likely repercussions, she chooses no contact that’s fine but the fallout may result in the breakdown of her relationship. Only she can decide whether it’s worth the risk.

I am willing to be that your husband at least hinted to his parents to go ahead and book the holiday.

I suspect that they at least felt like they had the greenlight from him to do it.

In my view you have absolutely mixed two events together and blown things out of proportion.

You're right OP that the financial/gift element seems to be a major stumbling block for people on here. But is it, really, for your husband? Isn't it for him more about keeping his mum happy? And presumably his dad is doing the same.

There's this concept in couples' therapy of getting to the point again where you are seeing the problem as a "team". So where he deeply acknowledges what is painful about this for you, and he and you both acquire understanding of what is so challenging about it for him - what is so challenging for him about his mum not being happy. He's not there yet because he's still just making you problem (incidentally it's unlikely a therapist is doing that, he's inventing that or hearing it incorrectly from the therapist).

Why can he not tolerate you being no contact? Is it because he can't tolerate his mum being mad at him? Or he can't tolerate the feeling of fracture in the his family? Or he doesn't see you as a person but instead as an appendage to his family, a servant in some way to his parents? If the latter, know that he sees himself that way too and is shocked you are emancipating yourself from this dynamic as it shows him he can too. I suspect deep down he is in awe of your backbone.

That might be a multi-year process for him so in the meantime you have to find a way to stay in the game and keep the ball in play.

@OneAquaHare Purely based off the first post i lent towards your In-laws doing something nice however all your updates have shown the backstory and it don't blame you for feeling how you do.

The big question is what do you now want to do about it......You may not be able to answer that fully at the moment but you must have some idea.
Do you want to carry on as things are knowing your DH won't challenge his parents? Or do you want to give your DH an ultimatum to speak to his parents or do you want to walk away?

When you are so angry, feel that an injustice has occurred, and worse, by your family it is likely you will never forget nor forgive. Some might but certainly not all.

That anger will not dim. Time will not reduce it. And going no contact will not change how you feel about it. Especially when it is family. Easier to do with people who are not. But family no contact will impact on others you hold dear.

You either choose to clear the air with them, but if you do, do it face to face. Not on the phone, not by text, not by email. Face to face. Which is quite hard. But could clear the air once and for all. Or make things worse.

Or put it one side and acknowledge how angry you are but ensure you do not let the anger dominate. That you are in control of the situation and how you relate to it. It will mean being distant, sharing very little information with them but on the surface still maintaining contact. Doing so does not mean you forgive nor forget either.

The main thing is to not let the feelings manage you. You manage them.

At the end of the day, your in-laws haven’t promised you anything. Your husband however did and whatever anyone thinks of your grief process, your husband didn’t support you. I just can’t work out why all your anger is directed at your in-laws. I’d be furious with my husband but it was his job to navigate the relationship with his own parents. If this is unforgivable to you it’s an issue for your marriage, not your kids’ grandparents.

No-one has the right to anyone else's time or company.

Why should it make the OP's husband's or DC's lives harder for her just to decline to participate in visits to her in laws? She is not stopping him going or taking the children, just doesn't want to go herself. That should not be a problem. If it is a problem for the DH because of his relationship with his parents, that is for them to sort out between them.

And note she is not the one threatening divorce. Which is basically blackmail: do as I want or I will divorce you.

MN is typically no fan of the MIL so find it so strange many people are advising OP to just suck it up. Just because it’s a nice holiday doesn’t mean that OP is unreasonable to say no thanks.

MN collectively would say you’re allowed to say your MIL isn’t allowed to visit the newborn in hospital or insist on Xmas every year - but if she just books a safari holiday without even asking you when your dad is dying then suddenly it’s “don’t be unreasonable and look a gift horse in the mouth”!!
WEIRD…

Your updates certainly gave a lot more wider context to your initial post. Don't forget, some people will respond without reading updates or miss them even if they do read most of the thread.

The truth is that this situation as it stands isn't healthy for you. Nor is it particularly healthy for your children, your husband nor anyone else.

Right now, the rights and wrongs of the initial situation are less important than how you want to proceed and what you want/need to happen next.

No one is going to he able to go back and change what happened at the time so all you can do is look forward to what happens next. Either in terms of different therapy for you, an acknowledgement/reparation from them, divorcing your husband...

The main thing is to not let the feelings manage you. You manage them.

This is very important.

I'm not going to derail with a me story but I just want to give you a glimpse into what the future looked like for one woman when she couldn't move past an historical incident.

That woman was my mother and I'm not suggesting the same will happen to you. It's just one family's experience.

Something happened to her when she was 17 that left her with a huge trauma. A few things happened between then and 24 that compounded the trauma.

It was different to yours in some respect but of a similar magnitude and the later trauma was a parent dying unexpectedly when she was pregnant with me.

Unlike you, she didn't seek therapy. It was the early 70s and it wasn't a thing. Her feelings about everything were all intertwined with each other like several strands of wool that were never untangled. Long story short, she projected her pain onto those around her and was never able to move past any of it. It completely dominated her life. Because of the way she specifically responded to it, we were forced to go no contact with her or face serious repercussions in our own lives (it was that serious).

She didn't manage her feelings and they completely overwhelmed and dominated her. It tore our family apart. What happened to her was no one's fault but she never felt truly heard and never felt that anyone really understood. And, of course, they couldn't, and they would never have been able to because it was her trauma and not ours.

None of this is to say, "And this will happen to you," or that your stories are similar but the saddest part was that my mother was never able to be happy. She never really enjoyed anything or appreciated what she did have because of the constant reminder of how things might have been different.

My remaining feeling towards my mother is of sadness and regret that she was never able to process, park and move on from her trauma and it travelled with her through life tainting all of it.

She's in her 70s now and her whole life was ruined by the unintended consequences of someone else's thoughtless actions over 50 years ago.

She deserved more and so do you.

This is tedious. Just report if you think it's dodgy.