AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

No one needs to be appreciative or grateful for a gift they explicitly said they didn't want, no matter how much it costs. If someone has said they don't want something, then it is not a gift!

Honestly we’re all different. I’m quite laid back and have let family and friends book things for me especially if they are more familiar with the area. Some people need to know every detail before they will agree to a holiday. Neither are wrong - just different attitudes.

Does your husband think what his parents did was wrong? If he doesn’t then your ire is misdirected.

Honestly one of the hardest things during end of life and grief is how the rest of the world keeps turning. It seems crazy people can think about anything else, never mind inconsequential things when you are literally breaking apart. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you or care, it’s just that people can be clumsy or thoughtless.

I can see why you want to protect yourself from the risk of them making you feel that way again. I think sometimes we have to accept that others around us are imperfect.

Really your PILs aren’t the problem, if they’ve always been this way. Your problem is your expectations of your husband. You feel he hasn’t had your back, you can’t let that go and that’s why your marriage is in trouble. I hope you find a way through it.

You seem to think them booking this holiday is controlling but you also say that they don't usually pay for you so this is a one off. Presumably you have willingly gone on other holidays with them and contributed. It sounds like they expected you to say yes and could not conceive why you would say no - not that they were somehow trying to coerce you.

Did your husband want to go on the trip? As the thread has progressed, this is (rightly) more about your DH and his response to you going no contact with his parents. He thinks you are over-reacting and while I think he should have listened to you in the beginning and not pestered you after you said no and then asked him not to, he is allowed to think you are wrong now and that you are dragging this on unreasonably. Married couples don't always (have to) agree. Is it marriage ending? I don't know.

You still haven't really said why you didn't want the holiday? If my in-laws had booked this for me after my mum died, I would have thought it was a nice thing for them to do. I understand that it seems they weren't listening when you said no initially but really how clear was your DH with them, and why did you say no in the first place?

That’s great if my husband was only allowing his parents to make those decisions for him. He can be as different as he wants from me. But he isn’t. He’s standing back and letting them do the same to me and the kids, and a quite frankly terrifying number of people in this thread are telling me I am controlling and unhinged for objecting to this and pushing back against it. I am being told to shut up and submit to whatever my husband and his parents decide for me because it involves a free holiday. And I am completely unhinged for thinking that’s unhealthy and quite possibly abusive?

So you’ve never heard of complex grief then - prolonged grief disorder. It’s a disabling condition that lasts long past normal expectations and stops a person from moving forward. One of the complications is the focus on the deceased person or the details surrounding the death, so what happened with her in laws during that time will certainly have had an impact if this is what’s happening to OP. You can’t simply tell someone to move on from their grief - grieving is a very individualised processed and it’s different for everyone.

OP I’ve had a lot of empathy until now because I think you are mixing your dislike of your in laws in with your grief.

They asked you to go on holiday, they clearly didn’t force you as you didn’t go.

Now you are suggesting being asked to go on holiday is synonymous with abuse. I definitely think you are being very unreasonable and OTT.

If what you’ve said to your husband about this is as dramatic and hyperbolic as some things you’ve said on here I can understand why he’s fed up.

So, OP, what do you want going forwards?

All of your explanations (particularly your recent updates) sound very reasonable. And its clear that this osnt just about a holiday that was offered to you at your lowest point.

But the situation hasn't changed. You're not any further along in terms of saying what you want to do.

What outcome would be best for you that is achievable for you?

What do you want things to look like this time next year?

What can you do to make that happen?

Also I have just re-read your original post. You didn't say no initially, you said you couldn't think about it while your dad was in hospital so they just went ahead and booked it. I am not sure why you couldn't talk about the holiday, at least with your husband. It isn't like you were doing daily visits to the hospital and life goes on. My mum lived with us for 2 years before mum went into hospital and then into care. My son was sad when she died but he wasn't traumatised. Are you sure you are not overstating the impact of all this on your children? Your in-laws probably thought you would be happy to go but you just didn't want to think about it right then (not that you never would or that you would react the way you did to them booking it). They wouldn't expect you to conclude that they were being manipulative and abusive and they haven't forced you to go or tried to insist your husband and children go without you. Both your reaction and use language is OTT.

This isn’t OP’s grandparent who died though - it was her dad. And while | agree OP didn’t say no initially, she didn’t say yes either. And apart from anything else, given that her permission was needed for the children to leave their home country and enter South Africa it wasn’t the wisest move to book the holiday on the assumption she would eventually given in and consent. That seems coercive.

Out of interest, was it a similar reason that your BIL marriage broke down? The ILs overstepping ?

I can actually see how this could be regarded as abusive in a certain context. OP said no. They booked anyway, knowing that they didn’t have OP’s permission to take her children out of the country or visit South Africa. The assumption was that she would eventually relent and give permission. Presumably because they would work on her until she did.

Could that be the reason OP went NC ? I don’t know, but one thing is clear - the in laws went on holiday on their own. OP obviously meant it when she said no - and for that she’s now the bad guy and has been given an ultimatum from her husband, who was part of the problem for his reluctance to convey the message to his parents strongly enough at the start that the answer was no. All of that seems coercive.

Seriously! Give yourself a break and leave!!!

I wasn’t just asked to go on holiday though, was I. It was booked with absolutely no consent, after the people booking it were specifically told not to. I then wasn’t allowed to refuse the offer for weeks - the exact weeks of the initial grieving period of losing my second parent. My answer was ignored and rejected, with huge amounts of pressure repeatedly being applied to change my mind - despite all parties involved knowing I was already struggling. This really isn’t emotional and psychological abuse?

My BIL’s second marriage. He is the golden child of the family - the expectations on him are insane. And he is the most compliant with what his mum and dad want.

@OneAquaHare have you tried flipping the situation? Could you imagine being happy with your husband if he treated your dad as you are treating his parents, all over booking a lovely summer holiday for you all.

I don’t think you would be, and you would have probably gone on the Safari with your dad and kids and left the ‘unhinged’ H at home.

Your sisters will agree with you as they only hear your persuasive argument not the other side. Same with your therapist. It’s just how it works.

Be careful OP, you could lose your H. Do you want to?

But the whole point is the OP did not just say no. She accused his parents of violating boundaries and being controlling and manipulative and this seems to be what her husband disagrees with. From the details the OP had shared it seems to be a very extreme and over the top reaction.

They shouldn't have booked it without discussing it with you but sounds like you've now got a strop on out of principal whether holidays works for you or not and that's unreasonable too.
Maybe they had to book it to get the free child places or the discount.
If it's something you could never afford yourselves, as you say your husband says, why not try to make it work?
People are flawed, people make mistakes with good intentions, doesn't mean you have to keep the strop on and go non contact.

Agreed. OP seems so delighted to have found some people who agree with her (even though the majority disagree) that she is winding herself up into a more and more extreme position and becoming less and less in touch with any reality other than her own feelings and grievances. It has become an obsession. It’s all very sad.

I know it is OP's Dad. Somewhere upthread she was saying how upset and traumatising her children (the grandchildren) found the whole thing which I find a bit surprising tbh especially since they lived so far apart.

And they put the deposit down after her DH told them that his wife had a lot on and couldn't think about holidays right now. He didn't say no and may have appeared keen himself. It might be presumptuous, but it isn't coercive.

The OP still hasn't explained why she didn't want to go. This stems from her being annoyed that they presumed to book it without first getting her agreement.

2/3 of people think you’re unreasonable - how about you reflect on that and the impact your over reactions have on your marriage before you start demanding that your DH reflects on his reaction?

Also these people didn’t “harass” you - your hyperbole and inability to see this as the minor issue that it is doesn’t help your cause…

Have you managed to reflect at all on some of the responses on here to take any accountability for taking your grief out on the wrong people and lashing out?

Have you flipped the situation to consider whether my parents would ever have treated my husband like this if it was him that had lost both his parents? Or if I would have stood by and let them if they did? My dad had a severe chronic illness for the last 10 years of his life - there’s a reason he was having open heart surgery. He never once used that as an excuse to ride roughshod over me and my husband and book holidays without asking us or getting our consent - though I am sure he would have loved as much time as possible with his grandchildren. Every single holiday we went on with him involved mine and my husband’s full participation from the very beginning, and if there was ever any objection from my husband about a plan for any reason it was accepted and neither of us were pressured to change our mind.

It's life, OP. Many of us have to go straight back into work after our parent dies, and cope with everything that's thrown at us, with no allowances made. You could have just asked your DH to deal with all the holiday issues - including making all the decisions, at least for him and the DCs. But I suspect you struggle with letting other people have control over anything to do with your life. You certainly seem to have been putting yourself first, rather than your children.

They don’t need your consent to book a holiday for you though…? And you did say no and didn’t go and they went without you and haven’t held a grudge about the money they lost.

Someone can book a holiday for whoever they want without their consent. It’s an expensive pastime if those people choose not to go but the way you’re likening this to a rape or similar is just mind-blowingly disproportionate

The OP did say in her original post that she told them her and the children wouldn’t be going because boundaries had been overstepped, she felt manipulated etc

The whole thing is about OP’s reaction (or massive overreaction) to the booking.

She’s also not asked for ideas of how to navigate or improve things going forward. She just wants to know if people think she’s being unreasonable.

Okay.

I wish you well OP.