AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

The only mistake the H made was by telling her at the incorrect time. OP has confirmed that she’s been on two holidays since her father has passed, so one more would not have made a difference. It’s not as if she’s been at home too grief stricken to leave the house since her loss. If this was the case then I could see her argument but otherwise it’s just her way of sticking two fingers up to her ILs.

It’s right there in the op

Or correct.

Correct according to whom, someone with no depth of understanding or emotional insight?

Or doesn't understand sarcasm?

OP all of this happened well over a year ago, and yet you still can’t let this go - to the point where it’s threatening your marriage. l think you’re right in that this has become intertwined with the trauma you experienced during your dad’s illness and ultimately his passing. I lost my dad many years ago and my mum just a few months ago, and the slew of grief and different emotions at losing your one surviving parent is hard to put into words, so l do understand something of what you’ve experienced.

And for what it’s worth l don’t think your DH has been very kind throughout - he should have put an end to the holiday idea as soon as you said no the first time, or at least asked his parents to put it on the back burner until things had settled a little. And l think to now be presenting you with a marriage ending ultimatum for a situation he helped create is a bit rich to say the least.

That said, l don’t think that situation is sustainable. The fact that you’re both seeing different therapists and for different reasons won’t help, because inevitably their methods will clash. And l stand by what l said upthread - you need to change your therapist because you seem to be stuck in a cycle of grief and resentment that’s very damaging to everyone - yourself included - and the priority should be to address that.

I’m so sorry for your situation, and for your loss, and sorry l can’t offer a solution other than to say that rather than making it about whose therapist is right or wrong, maybe both you and your DH should put the professionals aside for a while and talk directly to each other about the situation as it is, and how to reconcile, taking into consideration how long this has been rumbling on and the effect it must be having on the rest of your family, including your children.

Indeed. Its like experiencing compound interest.

Or just correct of the situation. Maybe OP could confirm.

My in-laws. They have been to this one particular safari lodge 4 times. They’ve also been to multiple others. Sorry it wasn’t clear in my main post, but this isn’t truly a once in a lifetime in our particular situation. My husband claims we couldn’t afford it ourselves - we could if we saved up and maybe sacrificed his trips abroad to run marathons for a while, but he doesn’t want to do that.

🤣

OP has every right to be pissed off and think the behaviour is insensitive.

However, it has gone far beyond that - she says the IL’s behaviour was actively hurting and traumatising and describes booking a holiday as dangerous.

I know how horrible grief can be but she has blown this into a major attack on her rather than recognise it as a clumsy mistake.

Terms like bullying, coercive control and narcissism are thrown around by other posters who agree how dreadful the in laws are when it could equally be a well-intentioned but badly presented attempt to do something nice for the family.

If OP strongly feels she is right and chooses not to back down or let it go she is entitled to do so but it is likely to have big consequences and possibly even end her marriage.

The majority think she is being unreasonable but how she moves forward and whether she takes that on board is up to her.

She doesn’t need to!

Do you seriously need the OP to confirm that was sarcasm?

I was referring to this - Both parents have to consent to take children to South Africa, and where we live both parents have to consent to the children being taken out of the country. My PIL didn’t have either of our consent when they just booked this for our kids.

You’ve missed the point. Her husband had already told his parents to wait because her father was critically ill. They ignored him and booked it anyway.
What holidays she took later is completely irrelevant. She was entitled to say no to this one, at that time, without having to prove she was sufficiently grief-stricken to satisfy everyone else.

No she doesn’t. She’d have to admit to being unreasonable and the cause of the family rift and that’s hard to do. So yes, she doesn’t need to and can keep digging her heals in instead that the ILs are unreasonable.

You sound like extraordinarily hard work. And you don’t really sound like you’re prepared to take on board anyone else’s opinions. This happened a long time ago and you’re still sulking and fuelling the drama of being ‘no contact’. I sincerely hope your children are completely unaware of what’s going on here.

You could’ve framed it as being something lovely to look forward to. Or even better, not focussed on yourself, and suggested your husband and kids had the holiday without you.

You’re not getting this are you?

Okay. But he didn’t need to tell her they had booked a holiday for a year later.

She’s blown it way out of proportion. That much I get.

I think that would be you!

Well the last sentence is in the OP, so I still don’t really see how them needing permission is a drip feed. Surely that’s a given? Yes, you don’t usually need the permission of both, but at the time they booked they didn’t have permission of either parent, so how is it a drip feed?

Well yes he did, given that her consent was needed, both for the kids to leave the country of residence and to visit South Africa. Telling her about it later on wouldn’t change how she felt about them going ahead with the booking after being told no.

It’s all blown so out of proportion.

It’s the kids and their marriage that will suffer. The ILs will just carry on enjoying life.

No. I love a good holiday and would have been extremely grateful even if their timing was off.