AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

After causing all the bother.

I think OP caused all the bother. So we’ll just have to disagree on this.

Do you book holidays for other adults without checking they want to go?

The OP was grieving

I stated that we have made that choice so we can afford more than one holiday a year. And Disneyland Paris and a villa in the Vendee aren’t exactly cheap. If we added the cost of those holidays together, and added in the amount of money we have spent on my husband running marathons around Europe, we could afford it ourselves if we only had one holiday that year. But my husband doesn’t want to make the sacrifices it would require for us to save up (and it’s not like they are onerous - it’s what most people already do!), hence his claim we can’t afford it.

Because they likely would have got DH’s permission in the end , but it would have meant nothing without OP’s consent. They clearly didn’t go on the holiday so OP’s lack of consent was likely central to that. I’m not commenting on the rights or wrongs of that because OP clearly had her reasons.

Was. But a year has passed and it’s still a problem for her. She could admit she went OTT due to her grief - and possibly apologise - and they all move on from it.

Oh OP, I have every sympathy for your loss. I understand where you're coming from, and I agree you have a DH issue. Your in-laws didn't have to even think about this holiday at that difficult time for you. They have endless time and money, and if they were so desperate to experience Africa with your children it would have been no skin off their noses to park the whole idea for even a few months until you were in a better headspace. If they had even one iota of empathy they wouldn't have been pushing their wants ahead of your expressed feeling at that time. They are to blame for this situation blowing up, because a bit of patience may well have let you to agreeing the holiday when you had time to think straight, and all this could have been avoided.
If your husband is now issuing you ultimatums I would point out to him that for practical purposes a divorce would make no difference to your contact with his parents at all.
As a top line getting a divorce because you were offered a holiday sounds crazy, but the top line is never the full story.

I disagree.

I agree with this 100%. There are so many replies similar to this who are trying to make you understand, that your in laws kindness was coming from a nice place. They meant well.
You didn't have to plan anything, you could have let your husband sort it out.

From your replies it appears you are still grieving please seek some counselling that helps with bereavement. You need it. Consider some antidepressants for short-term use, to get you through this overwhelming period. People do grieve but you have separate it from effecting other relationships.

I have stressed before if your marriage is otherwise fine then don't let this ruin everything. You didn't want to go on the holiday, it's been cancelled but you still want to carry the grudge and go NC.
You are in the mindset that you are right and its not healthy.
Unfortunately, children do suffer emotionally from broken marriages and getting shared contact.
There have been threads here, where its been said." They don't have a place which they can call home anymore."

I'm replying because I've lost both my parents and I'm divorced. The pain of losing your parents NEVER goes away but you deal with it. I still panic at the thought of never seeing my mom or dad.
However, I still have my children. (You have your children and a husband) I've encouraged my children to go on school trips. I've said to them I can never afford to take you as a family, so go on the school trip,so that you have the experience of seeing new places. The only thing that matters to me is to see a smile on my children's faces.
In my opinion because of your own grief you stopped your children from going on a holiday. If your marriage ends, believe me its not easy, you struggle on your own and as the children grow older, there are more issues. There's not much help out there. There's no magic wand to put things right.

You can only help yourself. Unfortunately, thinking that I'm always right is getting in the way. You have to come to terms with your grief and move on.
For the sake of your family and husband, I think being polite with your In laws, isn't asking for much.
I honestly feel for you ( because of my own circumstances)and I hope you are not making a mistake, out of refusing to back down and stubbornness. I wish my children had a caring dad in their life and I wish I had a husband but my marriage was financially, emotionally and physically abusive.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.

They could admit that they were grossly insensitive and inappropriately put pressure on her regarding a holiday that satisfied their desires, when in the midst of grief. And they could try and apologise, understand why she felt the way she did and reflect on their own behaviour.

The husband has the luxury of both parents being alive and is trying to strongarm the OP into setting aside her upset and emotions? This is absolutely not on. Ultimatums like this are not the way a healthy marriage works.

Do you really think that telling her later that her in laws had completely disregarded the fact that she said no, and gone ahead anyway, would make any difference to her decision ? It would likely have made the situation worse. The significant issue here is not the number of holidays OP has taken since, it’s about her feelings being totally disregarded.

If you are so thick-skinned, unemotional and uncaring that you would be happy to book a holiday while your last remaining parent is dying, it really isn't something to be proud of, especially if you then berate a still grieving OP because she isn't like you.

There's something thick for sure....

@alrightgov Yes, she's such a selfish cow, grieving her slowly dying father and saying she can't make a decision about a jolly family holiday trip being insensitively rammed down her throat, and then asking her husband to stop harassing her endlessly about the completely unimportant, irrelevant holiday they were all absolutely fucking determined to force her to decide on, plus imagine her having the sheer nerve not to be coercively controlled by pushy millionaires.

No wait, I've got it - you're a freebie mad money grubber who can't see past the pound signs, salvating over a totally irrelevant holiday who'd grin widely, do a jig and wipe away your crocodile tears if someone handed you a big wad of cash on the day of your father's funeral.
.

Well put.

The question still remains - on what basis do the in-laws have the right to decide matters for someone else's children when already told no?

This whole thing smacks of I Want So I Get.

Almost this exact scenario was inflicted upon me many years ago so I completely understand OP's resentment.

The comment about 'my children are not orphans...' appeared in my subsequent divorce petition and the judge noted it as further evidence of my husband's unreasonable conduct.

Yes, but you see FREE STUFF!!! From MILLIONAIRES!!! You can practically hear some of these respondents wiping the drool from their slobbering chops at the notion of a free holiday.

Just to clarify, you think it would have been ok if her husband kept it secret from OP that his parents had gone ahead behind her back and booked the holiday she had already said no to and just told her later. A few weeks later? A few months? When they need to get the vaccinations?

This has been quite a pronounced thread for that. It's almost like that online "dress" phenomenon where people saw different colours. I wonder if there's something in the language that was used to present the original problem and updates that's segregating the reaction in that way? It's fascinating (not to minimise that it must have been very painful for OP to have been misunderstood so much on here, with some people just clearly not reading and comprehending?!).

None of this is difficult.

If you want to book a holiday for other people you ask if they’d like to go.

If they say No or that’s not something we’re interested in right now, you say fine.

And then move on.

You don’t book it and then hassle the recipients in to going. You certainly don’t chase someone the day after their parents funeral because you might lose the deposit on the holiday they didn’t want you to book in the first place.

Wow!

You're very welcome :)