AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Who do you know who has multiple opportunities to go on a safari? A holiday that costs iro £15,000?

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through, but I think you need some therapy.
It makes no sense whatsoever to go no contact with otherwise decent people over one well intended mis step.

Ah, so you don't know anyone with money and this means no one does? Okkkaaayyyy...

I just dont understand why you had to get drawn into the planning etc of this holiday?
Surely just say yes and leave it up to husband and ILs. I dont know how any kids wouldnt enjoy a safari tbh, amazing pools, scenery, food, learn so much etc it is once in a lifetime because 2 safaris are never the same.
Ive been twice to south Africa on safari and it is amazing. I do think you are making up silly stuff about vaccinations and children/ parents not getting to pick specifics etc because your entire world is crumbling right now and youve lost who you are. You're in such pain you can't breathe but are forced to carry on because you arent allowed to fall apart when youre a mum, so youre lashing out over what is an essentially minor thing.
Your husband should've planned this with his parents and told you about it at a later date. I dont see why holding off for another few months needed to happen, again this is controlling.
At the end of the day, your husband and ILs havent experienced such grief at such a young age so they cant understand what youre going through BUT they are trying to be nice and you should give them grace for that. People are human and people dont react well when others are grieving.
I also dont think its that they've invented a MH condition for you (fear of flying) i think theyre just confused as to why you are refusing a kind offer for a year in advance. Safaris book up so they probably just wanted to secure it and theres specific times of year etc are better to visit.
I think your husband has no balls but he is correct that if you cant see past this you probably dont have a future together. To cut out his parents over something like this is very upsetting and so unnecessary.

OP has already said they tend to do road trip holidays as thats what they can afford so seems reasonable they probably cant afford multiple safaris.

The point is they didn't respect your boundaries or need for space and haven't apologised. And DH is clearly stuck in his own childhood patterns (trauma?) and isn't able or willing to see that that's not OK. If he wants to make it work he needs to try to empathise with your point of view, not deliver ultimatums.

What a horrible situation you are in OP. It sounds like your MIL is the toxic, controlling one here and your DH is also like that, or reacts the way he does because of his mother's behaviour. I'm surprised he has found a therapist that isn't delving deeper into his childhood and toxic relationship with his own parents. But I guess if he is good at manipulation, the therapist only knows what he discloses. regardless, I doubt they are asserting you are in the wrong for feeling how you feel in this situation.

Is this the straw that breaks the camel's back? Your Dh is giving you an ultimatum but perhaps it is him that needs the ultimatum. He needs to learnt to separate himself from his parents' (mother's?) approval and learnt to act like a decent partner or the marriage is over.

Do you want to stay together? I would guess you might have been easy to manipulate if your mother died when you were 22 and you moved in with your then boyfriend and his parents. Does your DH actually have your best interests at heart, ever? Are you a true partnership? Have you brought any of these things up with your therapist?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I still think you overreacted..Your ILs let you stay with them after your mum died so they clearly aren't awful people. The holiday was badly timed but I'm sure it was meant as a kind gesture to help you all unwind after a stressful year. They shouldn't have hassled you for an answer but your husband could have dealt with that without involving you. So that's on him
The bit about them not offering to pick your kids up is a bit petty. You thought their grandfather was dying, surely it was better for their dad to be there rather than your ILs.
As far going no contact, that's ridiculous. I know the rest of your family still see them but you are basically punishing them because they are alive and your parents aren't. I don't think the holiday is the issue. You don't sound happy with your husband and are still grieving your parents but none of that is your ILs fault

Imagine having to tell your kids why you’re separating from their father. Do you think they’ll understand and think it was a proportionate response?

You really are just being silly. Of course I know people who have money. I also know that most people don’t have the funds to go on multiple safaris and even if they did, they might not choose to go more than once as that money could be spent better elsewhere. For the vast majority of people a safari is a once in a lifetime trip unless perhaps they have lots of money in retirement.

My MIL admitted in writing that they booked the trip because the children were getting older and she wanted to experience their excitement at seeing Africa for the first time. There were zero discussions about what kind of trip my kids actually would have wanted and enjoyed.

My in-laws are millionaires. They own 3 houses, in 3 different countries that they spend the entire year flitting between. They go on multiple extravagant and expensive holidays a year. They still went on this holiday without us, and then added an extra 2 week safari in Botswana on the end of it. They could have afforded to book this whenever they wanted - they just decided not to wait.

Seriously, read the updates.

I think you are viewing this irrationally because you are grieving. If you don't want go go let your husband take the kids abc have a complete rest for the duration. Personally, I'd go, for my children.

Fair enough. I think I missed that because it got lost in the general tone of OP's posts, and I didn't expand what she was replying to.

Agree. I can see OP’s point in that it was insensitive to bring up the holiday at the time OP was clearly so deeply entrenched with her dad’s illness and ultimate passing, but there seems to be a reluctance to accept that it wouldn’t have had the same impact on her in laws. I don’t think their decision to go ahead and book was meant as a slight, but a necessity to secure the holiday. They may even have seen it as something to benefit OP after experiencing such trauma.

OP mentioned at the end of her first post that she was in therapy. If this issue has escalated to the point where OP is no contact with her in laws and is putting her marriage at risk, then clearly she needs to change her therapist.

OP's PIL's are those weathy retirees.

My in-laws are millionaires. They own 3 houses, in 3 different countries that they spend the entire year flitting between. They go on multiple extravagant and expensive holidays a year. They still went on this holiday without us, and then added an extra 2 week safari in Botswana on the end of it. They could have afforded to book this whenever they wanted - they just decided not to wait.

OP's PILs are very wealthy and they holiday in South Africa regularly. They were told by OP's husband not to book it and they completely ignored this and booked it anyway. They obviously use their wealth to manipulate people and get their own way. OP is right to push back on this.

What happened to that great MN expression of "No is a complete sentence"! OP has been overruled in a matter directly affecting her own children and by the back door, in essence.

Perhaps I missed the bit where she stated her children were orphans and therefore no business of hers!

Bit of a drip feed.

I am staggered by the amount of posters confidently telling you that you are in the wrong when they have clearly either not fully read your initial post and updates or are simply lacking in reading comprehension.

I really wouldn't bother engaging with any of them, you will only cause yourself more unnecessary distress and frustration.

I am sorry for your loss and do not believe that you are being unreasonable.

Why didn't your husband just deal with all of this and leave you out of it? There was no need for to have been bothered with any of this when you clearly had other things on your mind. He sounds pretty rubbish to be honest.

Why were your kids super sad on holiday? Your dad’s death last September most likely wouldn’t still be affecting them enough this year to ruin their holidays. So, yes, they may be upset about the rift you have caused in the family and the fact that their Safari holiday was cancelled.

Why don’t you be honest with yourself and admit that you don’t like your ILs having any say in how you do things and when you do them because you have a massive chip on your shoulder where they are concerned for whatever reason, likely that they’ve upset you in the past and you haven’t let it go. And frankly you’re using your own loss as an excuse to push your narrative that they are insensitive and controlling etc..

This I don’t understand. OP didn’t need to be told about the holiday until closer to the time, way after burying her father, then she’d have had nothing to moan about.

People who haven't experienced the profound grief and trauma the OP has been through are so blase and ignorant because they cannot relate and are just seeing a holiday. I cannot believe how insensitive her in laws were. They should have just backed off and tried to understand that she was grief stricken. What happens during and in the aftermath of a death stays with you, you don't just get over it and move on. I would not appreciate the ultimatum from the husband nor the in laws. I could not cede either, it would be false and I think it would eat away at the OP, that she has had to sacrifice something so fundamental about herself to keep her marriage. This is not a normal way to behave, husband is so enmeshed with his parents. They seem utterly self absorbed and selfish.

It was sarcasm.

You really are so shockingly insensitive and obtuse.