AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Did you read the updates?

😱

You don't have a clue what her parents would want!

I have. my mum to leukemia when i was 9 and my dad to a car accident when i was 11. Also my stepmum when i was 17 to a massive stroke.

OP YANBU, I think had you indicated in your first post his parents have previous issues with boundaries and that your DH has never stood up to them you would have received different replies. It’s also clear the holiday is not really the issue - essentially your husband and his parents hounded you over trivia while your father was dying and during his funeral. I’m sure anyone can see harassing someone the day of and after a loved one’s funeral is hugely inappropriate. Your husband and his parents refusal to acknowledge this then escalated the situation.

Your in-laws sound self absorbed and entitled but I think the real issue is a DH who prioritises his parents feelings over yours. He could quite easily have ignored his parents messages or told them to back off until a more appropriate time - he did neither. I think couples counselling could help him understand but there’s no way I’d accept this ultimation you have every right to protect your own mental health by staying no contact.

Presumably the children's father (OP's DH) agreed to the holiday. He is the parent as well so the ILs probably took that as sufficient.

Wow.

I hate to say this, but you have a DH problem that this has brought in to focus.

I had one the same for 25 years. We’ve been divorced over 20 now after a similar crisis moment where he appeased his parents rather than standing up for me, and I don’t miss the lies by omission and the lack of a spine he had one bit.

Sorry for your loss!

So the in- laws booked a holiday for the following next year whilst your dad was poorly!

Yes it could have been better timed but I think you are unreasonable, they may have thought wrongly that offering you something exciting to look forward to would be something to help you in a horrid time of your life!

If they were asking you to go away during the time of your dad being ill and he may have passed whilst you were away then yes that would be unreasonable of me.

I think potentially you need to speak to someone over this issue, as it is your issue to resolve and not the husbands or the in laws. I think going non contact with the in laws is an overreaction the situation, they were asking if you wanted to go on holiday, not a life changing situation. But grief can make us angry!

She was being sarcastic. Rightly.

They’re his kids too. Yes, they were wrong but your bitterness will destroy so much. It sounds like you have got your grief mixed up with this. Acknowledge your upset and let it go, and grieve painfully and separately for your sad loss.

Sorry for your loss.

I think they were trying to do a nice thing by hoping in a years time it would take your mind off things but they should of waited to book till things had settled down.

And. She. Said. No!

Dramatic sorry everyone goes thru tough times but life doesn't stop for everyone and the bigger picture I see is what a lovely positive thing gifted to you all that would certainly raise moods. Don't just make it about yourself it's not good for the kids or relationships

I think your grief is profound but is also colouring your reactions.

booking someone a holiday is a kind thing and I’m not sure how it can be translated as a slight. I think you might be lashing out because you are grieving.

You might be justified in being a bit miffed they didn’t consult you as you wished they would (though they were booking 12 months ahead and your dad was ill) but you have blown it out of all proportion.

your husband is right - your marriage can’t continue if you are refusing to talk to his parents over something so trivial and, at its heart, generous.

He hadn’t agreed to it when they booked it. They had asked him once about it. He had told them to wait so he could find an appropriate time to talk to me. They ignored him and booked it anyway. Both parents have to consent to take children to South Africa, and where we live both parents have to consent to the children being taken out of the country. My PIL didn’t have either of our consent when they just booked this for our kids.

YABU, but you’re convinced you aren’t, and won’t accept anyone else’s viewpoint. Maybe your ILs were insensitive in the way they handled it but they wanted to do something nice for you and your kids and you’re seriously considering cutting them off for it?

The timing has been very awkward. If you hadn’t been told about the holiday until it was nearer the time you might have agreed to go. I think you were overwhelmed and feeling out of control when you were told about the holiday. However, your children missing out on an amazing experience because of your anger seems unfair on them to me.

Your DH has explained he’s not comfortable with continuing with the marriage while you’re reacting in the way you are. It would probably be kinder all round if you separated so your DC could have some calm and experiences your’e currently denying them with their father. Many people would have considered the holiday a generous and kind offer, and would be able to see the benefits it offered their spouse and children. Maybe you could discuss that angle with your therapist?

Maybe they should learn that you don't always get what you want, especially with someone else's children.

I think what people can’t understand (including your in laws) is why one earth you would say no to a free holiday and once in a lifetime opportunity for your children? It was a safari, not a week in corfu

How do you know it's once in a lifetime?

Oh don’t be ridiculous

I think you’re being unreasonable because you’re grieving. I think they saw your pain and were trying to do something nice and probably after anticipating that your dad would pass away give you something positive to look forward to. Were they right to do this, maybe not, but was it manipulative and nasty, no. I think you’ll come to regret going NC. Seek some counselling and I hope you feel better soon. I’ve lost both my parents at a young(ish) age and understand how difficult and destabilising it is x

Yes as prob the in-laws wanted to treat their son and their grandkids (and dil) to a once in a lifetime holiday via a safari

What's ridiculous about it?