AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

The vibe between you and their father would ruin a holiday. Not surprised they were sad.

To be fair the sarcasm wasn’t super clear 😁

My condolences on the loss of your father.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable, (and I say that as someone who has recently lost a very loved parent) in the fact that this is still dragging on a year later.

That said, I don't understand why your anger is directed at your in-laws rather than your husband. It's his job to run interference and protect you from outside stress at such a difficult moment. That's what we would expect of each other in my marriage, and he seems to have failed rather shockingly at that. I don't understand why he didn't just deal with it at the time without dragging you into it repeatedly.

I will also say that regardless of whether your children would choose a safari vacation out of a hat, they're incredible, otherworldly experiences, not really comparable to Centre Parcs or Disney. And it sounds like your in-laws care about sharing that with your children, which might actually be a nice thing? Grandparents aren't around forever, as you, unfortunately, know.

I hope you find some peace. I do second the recommendations for some counselling with your husband as it's not clear the individual sessions are helping either of you.

Relationship counselling might be useful, however if your husband is saying that your marriage is at risk because of this then think about how the future would be if you separated.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

From what you've described, you are very unlikely going to get an acknowledgement (forget apology) from your in-laws. I know it's hard to accept that but I think you need to make peace with that and find a practical way forward.

And this is very difficult and challenging when you are still hurting and have not communicated with them for a year. They are also probably upset that you turned down a "generous" offer, and the silence.

Suggesting going NC with them is an over reaction though. Yes they hurt you at a time you were most vulnerable and that hurts SO much more. But now you know that they won't really ever be there for you, and they don't need to be in your inner close circle. You can focus your energies elsewhere.

However this doesn't mean they can't and shouldn't be in the close inner circle of your children and husband. You can do the bare minimum required (say hello, be polite, visit at Xmas etc) and the other times keep yourself busy with your own things, whilst they spend time to think together.

Personally I wouldn't use blocking the kids/husband from going on holidays as a way to make your point. It is just going to be used against you and it isn't fair on the kids/husband either.

Your husband could and should have done better. But having observed how much pressure these types of parents put on their son's, I have like you empathy too. The best "revenge" is for you to do the bare minimum with them and your husband is ok with it and flourish in your own marriage.

I would suggest asking your husband: what is the bare minimum you want me to do with your parents to start with and see if you can manage that. It might be a text message on a birthday for example, and take it from there.

I honestly do understand that you are upset and I don’t think your in-laws covered themselves in glory, tbh. I actually don’t think it was wrong to bring up plans for the future- I can see how something positive to plan/look forward to could be a bit of a distraction during a bleak time, though I can understand that not everyone would want to do that in those circumstances- and when told so they were insensitive not to heed it. They could have dealt with the situation better, as could your DH. That said, none of this is the crime of the century either. I think your reaction is very much out of proportion to the transgression- no doubt driven in part by grief, and possibly some displacement. It seems you are very keen to keep stoking the fire on that grudge so you can keep it burning.

To still be totally NC and so very angry a year on is, I think, unreasonable and unhealthy. It is spilling over into many areas of your life and it seems like it is costing you a lot to hold onto this- it must have a big emotional toll and it’s negatively impacting your relationship with your husband.

it is true that losing a parent is very hard, especially when the illness is protracted and complex (I know from personal experience), but life does not stop and it sounds like you are almost emotionally immobilised in this web of anger at something which should have been put to bed by now. I think that either there is something deeper than just this going on within your family relationships, or you are psychologically and emotionally in a very poor place and this anger at this situation/your IL’s is easier (and feels safer) to hold on to, rather than dealing with the actual problems (which I suspect are not solely related to your fathers death, even if that is the catalyst).

From your responses, I honestly think you aren’t in any way prepared to accept you are anything other than 100% justified and in the right. I’m not sure you can accept anything but that you are absolutely correct in your feelings and actions, or that your IL’s and husband are the villains. I think there are rights and wrongs on both sides, but you’ve drawn such deep trenches that you can’t see a way past them. Is being right worth more to you than anything else? because right now I fear that is where you are headed- convinced of your righteousness, even though it is holding you back.

perhaps relationship counselling could help both you and your DH better understand each other, and recognise where you might have got things wrong, and move forward. Or maybe this relationship has run it’s course and you both need to move on so that you can be happy and at peace, rather than at loggerheads. If it’s got to the point where one of you is talking about ending the relationship if you cannot move past this, you really need to decide whether you want to resolve the anger you have and try to find a way forward, or not.

I agree with Stackhead. They didn't do it deliberately to hurt you and I have no doubt your husband agreed to it, if only half heartedly. Also the holiday was two months after your dad died (they wouldn't have known that would happen when they booked it, but that's how it worked out). It would have done you some good to go away as a family. People often do that after a bereavement.

Would your dad not have wanted you to go?

I get that you think they were highhanded but don't understand why you can't forgive them. They were misguided but meant well.

You can't go on feeling animosity towards these people who are fellow human beings. We all have flaws and make mistakes, you could end up being far worse than them if you carry on with bitterness.

I am sorry about your dad but parents die, that's how it goes. You will one day, so will your in-laws. However you are still alive and currently wasting time and energy feeling aggrieved. Forgive!

I don’t understand why you’re asking if you’re unreasonable. It doesn’t make any difference if anyone on here thinks you are or not. Your husband does and it seems he’s likely to walk away if you both continue on this path. You need to change the subject. It’s over now and you’ve got children. If they are that unreasonable then they will do something else, you can point it out and take it from there. Having a death involved in this is muddying everything. You need to be able to grieve separate to this.

Nope. The entire and only reason it was an unbearable nightmare for her was that her father was slowly dying while her husband and relatives harassed the fuck out of her over a stupid, pointless, completely unimportant holiday.

At any other time she'd have probably said, ok cool, let me see if I can get the time off work. But, you know, her father was slowly and painfully dying.

So no, it cannot be disentangled from her grief and the death of her father, because that's the whole reason it was abusive of the coercive multi millionaires and her husband to harass the living shit out of her for months.

What? They booked it without her consent while her father was very ill. And she is in wrong? You sound quite materialistic and find a free vacation more important than OP’s trauma that she lost her second parent too in such circumstances. Maybe it’s the cost of living crisis in Uk that has caused many posters value money and material things over someone’s trauma.

I don’t understand mumsnet. Posters value free gifts over feelings and traumas.

They could have waited one more year.

they're incredible, otherworldly experiences, not really comparable to Centre Parcs or Disney. And it sounds like your in-laws care about sharing that with your children, which might actually be a nice thing? Grandparents aren't around forever, as you, unfortunately, know.

Let op grieve for her father first, she has time to worry about in laws won’t be there forever.

Your in laws are selfish. I know some posters are seeing this as once in the lifetime trip but reality is this is for your in laws. They have want to have this trip with their son and grand kids and you are an addition they have to invite out of politeness. They had a disregard for how you were feeling to put a pressure for final decision. They could have cancelled the trip, got their money back and planned next year.

Your husband is also being cruel and manipulative by telling you how his therapist think you are in wrong. I am not saying you leave him because you must know him as a person and all his good qualities but don’t let anyone gaslight you that you are the guilty party here. You deserve care and compassion for losing your second parent when you lost first at such young age, you don’t deserve blames.

All I have to say from reading your responses OP is my god you’re hard work.

And yes I do think some of what they’ve done is out of order.

You just seem to be clinging onto this at the expense of your marriage. You also seem to me to be very stubborn about this and them. They have holidays and flit around countries because presumably they worked hard for their money or inherited it.

Basically, you will lose your marriage if you continue with the NC with his parents. Your DH is siding with his parents but presumably he feels caught in the middle and loyal to them. If that’s what you want (divorce) then go ahead and do that. When his therapist is saying you’re unreasonable etc maybe you should see why that is and try to work through/understand it.

For the record, I have 2 aunts. Sisters. Both fell out over 20 years ago and 1 did behave badly but was in an abusive marriage (now divorced). One of my aunts now wants no contact with me as I’m speaking to the one who was in the abusive marriage. This aunt has always been a bit of a control freak though. It’s sad that people hold and bear grudges for years.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I see your point and am with you on this.
It's the action of your in laws booking the holiday in your dads last month of life when he was obviously very poorly, for next year. That would make me feel that the thought of a holiday was on their mind more than your poorly dad (which is probably was, but it hurts to have that confirmed and the shouldn’t of done it!)
The fact it was for the following year would make me feel that they think you’ll be ‘over it’ enough by then to enjoy the holiday.
You may well of felt like a holiday the following year, but that was not their decision to make and they were very wrong to of pressed you for an answer following his passing.
I think, the reason your husband can’t understand your pov is because he hasn’t lost a parent.
It would be a real shame to lose him
though, but the only way to get through it with him would be couples therapy I think as that might make him see your perspective too.

@OneAquaHare the issue is your DH, he was putting pressure on, he did not need to repeatedly ask you as you’d given your answer. Just because his in-laws asked him, doesn’t mean he couldn’t just say no.

You’re excusing him, the real issue here!

You have very caring in-laws.
You are understandably still deeply upset and missing your father. That said, life isn't always about people walking on egg shells around you while you are suffering.

Your children have lost their grandfather. Your DH, his father-in-law, and his wife is extremely difficult to communicate with.
Your kids and husband have lived for months without you focussing on them.

No contact is not at all appropriate.
You need to seek counselling and learn how to let others live while you are hurt.

Your children deserve to spend some time with their mother on a beautiful safari holiday.
Quit being so controlling and allow others to be generous.

Agreed. OP has been hugely over-dramatic and made her children miss out on this amazing holiday. I am assuming the children would have wanted to go (OP doesn’t say she refused to go because it’s not their thing, only because she was so furious at the ILs for the timing of the booking). The ILs were insensitive to chase about a holiday booking when her dad had just died but OP has made an enormous drama out of this and is now facing breaking up her family as a result.

I agree - it’s bizarre. I wonder how people can read the same posts and come to such wildly different views. It’s a free holiday, put up with the railroading, the gaslighting, and don’t be so precious - wtf??

I agree.
I’d be really interested to know what percentage of people that have told OP she is being unreasonable, have lost their parents.

You’ve said you repeatedly told them you didn’t want to go. You’ve said you don’t think your kids would enjoy this type of holiday. So when they were putting pressure on for a final answer couldn’t you have just said the answer is no early on and that would be it?

This. Either that or they simply haven't bothered to read OP's post and updates properly.

Did you miss this?

There are multiple text messages from my PIL to my husband over those few weeks acknowledging that I had said no, but wanting me to change my mind.