AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I don’t think the PIL have any idea of why OP is hurt so haven’t offered an apology because they are in the dark about the whole situation.

The DH has been the only one conveying messages back and forth. And he’s told OP he would never ask them to apologize.

Why would he even tell OP that his PIL thought it was because she didn’t like flying? Why wasn’t he shutting that stuff down at the source.

Mum Dad - we can’t commit to this type of holiday for 2026 - Aqua losing her Dad means we might need to prioritize a smaller quieter family trip next year in the run up to the anniversary of his death.

It sounds like your DH was responsible for as much, if not more, of the harassment over the holiday. He was at least passing on all the messages instead of filtering them and dealing with it himself. Why are you not furious at him? Why are his parents (who frankly owe you less) taking the brunt of this?

How do you know it's once in a lifetime?

If you’ve read all the OP’s replies you’d know that for this particular family this is not a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Yes. Deciding for their families is what matriarchs do.

I think OP needs to feel in control and would have reacted very badly to that!

You absolutely nailed it. These same people would sell their Granny for a free “holiday of a lifetime”. They don’t seem able to comprehend that trauma & grief cannot be fixed, calmed or forgotten by a free holiday. The in law’s sound like awful people who aren’t used to hearing “no”. There are many things in life that money cannot fix or compensate for. Stay strong OP.

In no universe is it okay for someone to book a holiday for you without your consent or discussion about when it would work.

The end.

So agree with you both.
The incomprehension that for some people a free holiday wouldn't surplant the death of a beloved parent, is astounding.

It would also be very odd to commit that amount of money without at least some encouragement from the DH that he would ‘make it work’.

You perceive a person's requirement that they decide where they and their dependents would be, and when, as a need to feel in control?

I am stunned at the posters saying the PIL have done nothing wrong. Having a relative in intensive care is a terrifying rollercoaster of ups and downs. The uncertainty of life and death changing by the hour. It is absolutely traumatic. The emotional intelligence of the PIL of bringing up the booking of a safari at this time is beyond belief. Why on earth should they try to harass OP into such a thing at this terrible time in her life? Either they are amazingly ignorant people or completely and utterly self-absorbed. It sounds like they have no concept of boundaries either - who wants their MIL trying to book their family holidays, even at the best of times?

Why was this trip so urgent, so important that it needed to be mentioned during this terrible time in the OP's life? And why can't she say 'no' without being considered 'controlling'? Would most women really be happy with their MIL booking their husband and kids on a safari just cause she wants to?

The PIlL and husband sound awful and remind yourself of this while they gaslight you. They repeatedly harassed you about going on a safari when your dad was in intensive care and again when he had just died. Appalling.

Brilliant the both of you!

Because his first instinct was right - he asked his parents to wait so he could talk to me at a more appropriate time and they didn’t listen to him. And then his fear of disappointing his parents kicked in and it all went downhill. I’ve known him since we were 16. I’ve spent nearly 30 years in his family, seeing all the stuff that gets repeated over and over again. And I’ve seen him be hurt by his parents and just swallow it down and accept it. He has also never been though the kinds of losses I have - he has no idea how it feels and I don’t expect him to feel the same way as I do about my parents dying. I guess that’s the glimmer of hope I have that we can somehow find a way through this.

In the end OP, and for all our outrage and concern for you and our shouting from the rooftops that YANBU (unless we're literally ok with mortgaging all our values for holidays at this point) - you do need to find a way through this somehow. And for all the same reasons, he knows that too.

The hard work then of balancing softness and hardness in just the right measure at just the right time continues from here on out.

A really, really good couples therapist is a must. You have veto rights over which one. The right one will be giving him a massive reality check at the first appointment.

Ps he's worried about being disinherited

It's so bizarre, and a relief to know there are some normal humans on this site. Many of these respondents have cash registers where their feelings should be.

I don’t think YABU. Your PIL were selfish and could’ve waited 6 months before even mentioning it. I actually think you have a massive DH problem.
Sorry for the loss of your dad. 💐

😆 he did bring up being a bit surprised I didn’t inherit anything from my dad. I never expected to - I fully expected it all to go to my stepmum and wasn’t upset that it did. I already inherited a decent amount from my mum when I was younger and used it to buy our house. I’m not sure if he’s worried about his parents - they have repeatedly stated they are trying to spend everything before they go, that’s why they go on so many holidays! I’ve personally chosen to believe them - it’s their money, they don’t have to save it for anyone 🤷‍♀️

The timing was massively wrong . You were grieving and not in the right headspace to have the conversation and they were wrong to go ahead without consulting you but I think you’re making a huge deal about it this far down the line.

Is your marriage really worth losing over letting this go .? You didn’t need to go no contact . I’m sure they’ve got the message by now so maybe time to make up

He threatened to divorce you if you don't kowtow to his coercively controlling parents. I don't know how you can forgive that. For me, he'd have to fully embrace that he was 100% completely, totally wrong and apologise profusely before I'd even move one step towards him. And then it would be marriage counselling for months. Maybe that's just me.

He's probably worried about his inheritance. And he is, after all, the product of these two people who think chucking a jolly family holiday at you while in the depths of grief, and then jamming it down your throat when that didn't work, is perfectly fine.

We tend to become our real selves as we age, I have found. The extraneous is stripped away and our core values are more exposed and near the surface.

Anyway, I'm sorry he's caused you so much suffering and damage over a stupid, unnecessary and unimportant holiday. Good luck with it all.

The kids were all super sad when we were in Disneyland Paris for half term, and when they got to chose the villa we stayed in for our summer holiday in the Vendee 🙄 My kids are not starved of holidays. But they are holidays that me and my husband decide on together, and that we quite often get the kids involved in the planning of.

OP you sound very emotional and I think you've reacted to this holiday booking badly due to the timing of it. I'm not sure to what level they were contacting you about the holiday booking but some of the really nice places do sell up fast so I can see why they wanted to book it.

It sounds like the holiday has already been missed and I'm not sure why you wouldn't just say yes at the time and then think it through properly when you were in a better state of mind.

My DD also wouldn't choose a safari holiday but I would never say no to one on her behalf aa I've heard it's an amazing experience!

I think you need to draw the line under the issue with your in laws and it doesn't sound healthy for your children to see that you are no contact with them. I would apologise but also be clear that you felt hurt by them too.

As for you and your husband I think you need to have couples counselling.

Don’t really understand this one. Presumably they’re not choosing between the safari holiday and one you would organise? You’re not paying, and it was only two weeks so plenty of opportunity to organise another two week holiday that’s more what they would usually do. Are you saying the kids would choose staying at home over the safari holiday?