AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I'm with the OP. If the OP didn't have the headspace to take it on due to the mental load they were under and pointed that out politely then the others should have waited. As simple as that.

He was probably thinking of the kids and how nice a holiday would be for them. Beats all staying home being sad.

Your in laws are massively overbearing and bullying and your husband...i don't even know what to say....

Weaponising therapy in his bid to DARVO you into thinking you're abusive. I don't believe his therapist said anything of the sort. I do believe he is desperate to get you back in line so he is trying all sorts of tactics to put you back in your box.

But you've seen behind the curtain now. You know what kind of people they are. You can't un-know it.

That's true, it sounds like it was her husband who was passing on the pressure. She referred to that pressure being extremely high during her Dad's last days of being alive, so much so that it dominated her whole experience of those last days and hours with him. And then again during the funeral period, with the "final answer" demand (she had already given her final answer, but they wanted a different one) coming just after.

You clearly have no idea of the trauma of losing a second parent younger than average. As a PP beautifully put it, it’s possible some days you cant figure out how to put your socks on. If you don’t grieve that way - ok. That’s nice for you. But if someone else does feel that way, that’s ok too. So you judging like this is inappropriate and mean spirited.

it’s clear from OPs post that this family revolves around keeping MiL happy and that her DH colludes in this, instead of supporting his wife. The lack of consideration and respect is breathtaking. Whatever the intention, husband and his parents have hurt OP. And continue to do so by doubling down.

This is a good point.

As anyone who’s been on MN for a while know family holidays paid for by one party very often come with strings attached. Sleeping arrangements, childcare expectations etc.

Not everyone wants to go on vacation to Africa - or wants to prioritize a vacation to Africa over other holiday plans they may prefer.

Under normal circumstances the OP might not have wanted to make a hasty decision on the safari trip.

I’d have wanted to know exactly what it involved - what type of lodge/resort - just how rustic - what kinds of activities. What the travel involved - clothing needed, preparation such as vaccines.

I’d also want time to work out if annual leave meant that was going to be the only family holiday that summer and what doing the safari would mean for not having a different kind of break.

I wouldn’t want to be rushed into committing without thinking it all through.

And if I was in the middle of the unknown process of a parent dying I definitely would not have had the bandwidth for that.

OP does sound like she's being rigid and controlling, as some have pointed out, but I can also imagine that you might respond to a last straw event just that way. When you've just had enough, digging your heels in and not giving an inch could be understandable.

I agree that OP's DH was the one pushing the holiday decision onto her, rather than his parents. He was maybe messing his parents around with ambiguity too. It could be the whole marriage was building up to this.

It's also possible that OP is over-reacting to a single incident and needs more help with grief and loss with a professional. She already has one of those in place, so maybe they can help her work out if this is a reflection of something more systemic in her marriage, and what that means going forward.

Could dh and dc not have gone on holiday with his parents?
You weren't in the headspace to consider next years holiday but if dh and dc wanted to go, could they not have done that?
Im probably in the minority but I've taken dc on several holidays with my parents, without dp .

This was never "an offer" of a holiday; they booked your children and yourself onto it having been expressly warned off and expected you to go along. Now they're complaining that you pushed back when they could and should have apologised, cancelled and had the required discussion with you. And now DH has not only taken their side but is threatening your marriage...?

DH is putting the holiday and his parents poor behaviour before you as a person, as his wife and as mother of his children. That's ugly.

Sorry. I'd call his bluff and start proceedings.

Exactly. It would have been a minefield - navigable perhaps but you have wanted to look into the proposed details and that's not something you're going to do alongside paying the funeral home, getting death certificates, initiating probate, getting a shared photo drive going and finding someone to pick up and drop off the elderly aunt for the funeral.

And that's exactly why the ILs are irritated, because instead of saying "I don't want to go on a safari, it's not my thing. DH can let you know if he and the kids want to go." She decided for the whole family that it was not even going to be considered because her Dad was ill. And is now mad at them for suggesting it, although why it's all come to a head a year later after they've missed the holiday, I don't know.

I think you’ve reacted this way because you were in a horrible situation dealing with your father. Separate the two and you’ve overreacted completely. Hubby is right though, therapists generally side with whatever you’re saying.

It may have come to head a year later because it's the first anniversary. The second year following a loss is harder than the first. After the first year, people have very much moved on and you're expected to have done so more as well, though the loss is still very present and fresh feeling still. I can see how this could bring things to a head.

I would strongly suggest you and your husband ditch your separate current therapists and find a new one together to work on your marriage, for your poor children’s sake. I’m very sorry that you’ve lost your parents and especially the ways you’ve lost them - trauma & grief is very hard & you must know part of grief is anger. I see so much anger here - misdirected at his very much alive parents ‘getting it wrong’ & not loving you the way you want to be loved and anger at your OH, maybe for having 2 parents while you have none. A good therapist will help you both but doing therapy separately seems part of the problem!

Exactly this. They do not seem to see her as a full person, and the apple cart has been disrupted because she is acting like one.

I think everyone would be better off if you and your husband divorced.

Eh? I stayed with them for a month. Where did you get 3 years from? And I have already stated I could have accepted the booking by itself as bad timing or misjudged. It’s the repeated demands for an immediate answer in the first weeks of grief (after I had already given one, it just wasn’t the answer they wanted) that’s harder to look past. They completely made up a mental health diagnosis (fear of flying - I am not scared of flying) and messaged my husband asking if that was the real reason I wouldn’t go, after they had been told what they were doing was hurting me. That’s why I had to eventually go no contact - they were told to wait by husband, ignored him, and then when I didn’t immediately fall into line with their plans they escalated their pressure on me to the point where I was being falsely labelled with mental health diagnoses. That’s dangerous to do to anyone.

Or how about at the time she first said no she didn’t know exactly how long her father was going to be on palliative care. Summer of 2025 was clearly a very difficult and traumatic time. She might have wanted to wait and see how things were feeling in 2026 so that the family holiday could be something she could be part of too.

DH could easily have told his parents that he loved the idea but it wasn’t going to be possible for 2026 and would they consider the following year.

And he could have done some research and planning on what supportive and loving family holiday option to discuss with his bereaved wife once she’d come out of the immediate fog of grief.

I think this too.

Tbh they should have waited until you had the ability to focus on it etc, but your reaction is hugely disproportionate; it wasn’t a massive boundary violation as you say it was.

You are grieving. Am sorry for your losses 💐. But do let this situation with your in laws get further out of hand.

It's not dangerous to anyone. I'd have just let it fall off me like water off a duck's back. That's them being ridiculous.

So your ILs did approach you directly rather than it being your DH pressuring you as the intermediary? Because that's quite different.

I agree with a previous poster that you should both seek counselling together, rather than individually. Your individual therapists are only hearing one side, and each side could sound very reasonable when only hearing the one side. It might be more helpful to bring them together.

How do you think you’d have felt - in hindsight - if your husband had told the in-laws to do the booking but with insurance in case of cancellation. And no one had talked about it to you until a few months later?

Do you think you would at that point have warmed to the idea of the trip?

Telling someone you must have an answer, that day, the weekend they are burying your parent, when you have already said a firm no several times, is so inconsiderate that it actually is hurtful and offensive, particularly coming from people who for the past 20 years have been overbearing with OP. There are several of her posts where she explains that they are not particularly lovely or kind towards her.

Even when a long drawn out illness means you are expecting someone to die, sometimes on a daily basis, when they actually do die, it's still a tremendous shock to the system. Your world feels like it will never be the same again. You have so little space in your head for anything that anyone trying to pressurise you at that exact moment (and there can be a lot of that going on throughout the illness from extended family) is horrendous to deal with.

So yes. It is both offensive and hurtful for people to do that at one of the most vulnerable times in your life and OP does not deserve criticism for her feelings about this being entwined by her grief because the inlaws chose that very moment to press their point.

So then perhaps something to explore is why haven't you gone no contact with your DH (or separated etc), since he is actually the one who conveyed all that pressure to you. From what I understand he stands by having done that - or has he apologised and it's just that his parents haven't.

Booking holidays for other people without their consent seems a common coercive/controlling behaviour. It is not OK. The OP is right.

Hi Op,

I want to start by saying I’m so sorry for your losses. I also want to validate your feelings, which are completely reasonable & understandable. YADNBU. I was genuinely surprised to see so many votes for yabu, however, having read through the replies I think I now understand why. It appears that those voting yabu read that your in-laws wanted to gift you what many would deem “the holiday of a lifetime” & can’t see past that. Fact is, far too many people would put up with anything & everything for a “free” holiday of a lifetime. But I wouldn’t, so I understand your perspective.

Your husband has behaved appallingly. He is lacking in empathy, compassion, kindness & understanding. I would take his ultimatum seriously. I think you deserve so much more. Your trauma is valid & there is no time limit on grief. I completely understand why you would not feel able to think or talk about a holiday of any kind. Your in laws are insensitive & selfish. I too would find their behaviour, in these circumstances, to be offensive. Their desire to book a holiday is unimportant & insignificant given what you are going through.

Your husband’s comment about his therapist is one of two things; a lie or proof of a terrible therapist. A professional therapist would never say that to a client. I believe your husband lied in order to try & get you to do what he wants. I hope you have someone you can lean on for support. Whatever you decide, trust yourself. Your feelings are valid & in no way unreasonable.