AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Here's a question for those who think the OP is being unreasonable:

When someone is hurting, is the priority to make the hurting person feel supported—or to make the situation feel comfortable for everyone else?

Its not clear why an apology is needed from either of you. They were very insensitive to book such a holiday like this when you were in the situation you were in. However your description of them as being manipulative and violating your rights is a bit extreme. You were and still are grieving your Dad and some people feel that no one else can possibly understand and why dont they see the pain. I felt exactly like this when my Dad died. Like how dare people carry on as normal when I was feeling awful. Unfortunately that isnt going to happen and you have to carry on and time will make it easier. So, the holiday has been cancelled which is what you wanted but to continue holding this grudge is clearly damaging you and your marriage. Your inlaws were perhaps just trying to show their affection, albeit it in an ill thought out way. To have had no contact with them is OTT and it seems your marriage will suffer. I think there is wrong on both sides and you have to get over this idea that you are right just because you have lost your Dad.

I agree with this

I think OP has been very unreasonable and I have experience of people who have got it in their head they are right, then you can explain to them until you are blue in the face but they are not willing to listen to any reasoning.
Yes women may be treated unreasonably but where we can't change that we find alternative solutions.

If OP is going to read these replies and go along with the replies who agree she is right then obviously thats because her mind is already made up.
However, she will have to face the consequences when her husband decides he's had enough of her selfish behaviour.
Unfortunately the children are the ones that suffer.

When my marriage ended yes I was bitter and I got a good telling off from a close relative to sort myself out.

In the OP's circumstances your father passed away, you can't transfer your anger and blame onto your PIL's.
You can't think you are right. The holiday was in a years time but you didn't let go of the blame.
However, you did show empathy towards your step mum when she refused to let you stay at your dad's home and you had to book a hotel instead.
You PIL's showed kindness to book a holiday for your family but instead you just see it as they can afford it.
Sometimes, even when people have money they are mean and selfish with it.

I have lost both parents who were very supportive to me but life has to still go on and I'm staying strong for my children.
I go on outings,with my children. It's not healthy to drown in your sorrows.
You should have let your husband and children enjoy the holiday.
Instead you have decided if I don't want to go then no one else should go.

I generally am not a believer in cutting off contact with relatives, but it seems to me that the bigger problem here is your husband.

I think you’ve completely missed the timeline.

She’s not still trying to make a decision. Holiday has been and gone.

She was telling her DH and PIL that she couldn’t and didn’t want to make any decisions about future holiday plans during the month her Dad was dying in hospital and then the two months after he died while she was grieving, sorting out a funeral and the aftermath of losing a parent.

Why would she have been looking forward to this holiday? OP's updates make it clear these are very overbearing and unpleasant (in her eyes) people. Of course she wanted to consider the whole proposition carefully, the itinerary etc. It's an absolute minefield.

The problem here is people see "free safari" and assume anyone would want to go to that no matter the context. I would hate to go on a safari with in laws like these, even worse if they had paid for it and therefore felt empowered to throw their weight around.

Wow, just wow. The ILs maybe could have given a thought or two to the OP's grief, even if they didn't share it.

Yeah, it was really unreasonable of you to impinge on your PILs' joie de vivre in your grief, OP 🙄. What a party pooper you are. You should have understood that no one really cared if you were upset that your dad died... the PIL show had to go on.

We paid for all the other holidays. We are the only ones out of his siblings who have never asked his parents for loans or to help us buy houses/cars/etc. All of his siblings and their SO have lived in their main house at some point - most of the time it is so it is occupied whilst they are at one of their other homes, to reduce the risk of break-ins. And we were renting our own flat in the UK when my mum died. I went home for a month to deal with the funeral and probate, and because my husband - who was then my fiance - was already there for a summer work placement his parents said I could stay in the house too. I was not there because I had nowhere else to go. I was there because my fiance already was. What a weird lot of presumptions you have made.

Yes, I nursed my child for years before her death. Time frames are very uncertain and during late stage care it's too hard to plan, during the period between the death and the funeral, it's inappropriate to ask people to make such plans at all and they are mentally elsewhere. When my child died I know I couldn't see three months into the future, let alone a year. However, you do know it's going to come so, after the funeral, as hard as it is, I know I'd have been thinking about whether this was something that would help my kids.

I did take my children on a big holiday within months because it was good to do something other than sit in the same sad space, staring at the same four walls. I'd have happily done that but I did what the kids needed. The world keeps turning, even when you wish it wouldn't.

She had to make sure all their diaries aligned (she has said they were all busy), that they actually all wanted to go, the itinerary and so on (these in laws are controlling and awful so you'd want to be checking what kind of arrangements they were proposing).

She was being asked to 100% commit on behalf of the whole family. That's an undertaking!

I think you’re at risk of losing of H at some point unless you sort your head out and start thinking rationally.

I think this is a really wise and balanced response.

But more importantly, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now, @BeEagerRubyBird. I hope things go peacefully for your dad and as well as possible in the circumstances. Look after yourself 💐

I also think OP, that while you're posting on here for advice about your circumstances, the fact you were happy to reply but couldn't spare a word of sympathy for BeEager as she's going through this right now, speaks volumes.

How were they all busy a year out when she wasn't making any plans for the future? Doing what, exactly, that is scheduled 12 months in advance?

I suspect what actually happened is that the husband never told his.parents.to.wait. He said to go ahead and the OP sould come round.
That's why the parents did it and won't apologise. And the husband refuses to come clean.

I’ve read all OP’s updates. I agree, they completely overstepped, and OP has clearly been biting her tongue for years. OP is allowed to say no to a holiday and not to be railroaded about it.

PILs sound a bit insensitive and boorish.

However the hyperbole of ‘actively hurting and traumatising’ from the OP seems a very over the top reaction. They’ve made mistakes but there is nothing to suggest they are deliberately unkind.

The PILs didn’t interrupt the funeral- they asked the day after. Possibly insensitive but I had a whole flurry of people who waited until after the funeral to contact me so the next day was a bit business as normal.

Since the OP mentioned discussing vaccines etc I do wonder if part of the issue is different attitudes.

PILs and possibly DH are let’s book a trip and casual about it. OP needs to think it out, discuss rabies vaccines and choices with her children and would never accept an offer like this without getting into the detail, so no easy yes or no.

A bit of me wonders if the OP is quite controlling about decisions herself and needs to be involved in every aspect and husband is more laid back.

Grief can be horrible and debilitating but unfortunately others will not understand or experience the same pain or feelings as you, therefore it is a lonely experience.

I don’t believe you can unilaterally go NC with your partner’s family without it having a wider effect.

The OP, as many posters will tell her, can refuse to accept her and her in laws are very different people and choose her boundaries. It could have been handled better but I can also understand her husband’s point of view.

Big life-changing circumstances test a couple and I suspect they may be fundamentally incompatible. It doesn’t necessarily mean either are bad or wrong but just unsuited.

It’s a sad reason for a family to break up m, insensitivity is crap but if the OP can’t get past it the relationship won’t survive.

They tried to do something nice for you. You are letting you grief cloud your judgement

They didnt purposely do something to upset or annoy you.

you need to acknowledge that it was a nice gesture - not a dig - accept it and move on.

Yup - excellent point.

Yes I agree with this.

I believe there are 2 sides to this, we are only hearing OP's. If her marriage was otherwise good, she could have over looked the booking of the holiday without her permission, instead she held onto a grudge.
I don't believe her PIL's meant any harm, OP herself has mentioned she lived with them for 3 years after her mom passed away.

Her husband has given her an ultimatum, so OP has come on mumsnet with her side. I believe OP also needs to seek help for her mental health as she is not coping with her grief.

It would have been during the next summer holidays, so I imagine potentially doing lots of things.

If OP had already planned the next summer holidays in August 2025 then she clearly was making extensive plans for the future. In August most people are starting to think about planning Christmas. Not the next summer. A big and expensive holiday which requires booking way in advance is the exception to the rule but as OP was not planning anything as she was entirely absorbed in her Dad's illness, how could there have been anything like this on the horizon?

I think what's happening is you're taking it as a given that OP and her family should want to go on this holiday on any terms. Whereas I am allowing for the fact - stated by OP a few times - that it might not have been a priority for them over other types of holidays, with other people.

Just because it's free and a safari doesn't mean everyone would want to do it over other possible things. I wouldn't, for example.

@BewaretheIckabog "PILs and possibly DH are let’s book a trip and casual about it. OP needs to think it out, discuss rabies vaccines and choices with her children and would never accept an offer like this without getting into the detail, so no easy yes or no.A bit of me wonders if the OP is quite controlling about decisions herself and needs to be involved in every aspect and husband is more laid back."Yes could be this. We all minds that work in different ways.I can relate to this, as I'm a bit like that aswell. I once got offered some last minute places on a holiday, and I nearly refused because I had only a few days to pack in. But the thought of missing out quickly made me make my mind and I decided to go.

I think her DH may have already have lost her as he is manifestly incapable of emotional attunement and support.

As far as I can recall, they weren’t "pressuring her at her Dad's funeral". They pressured their son the following day to give a final decision, and he chose to pass the pressure on to OP. He could have just told them the final decision was no because his wife, OP, didn’t want to go.