AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

All the people saying OP is being unreasonable are completely ignoring that there was absolutely no reason the holiday had to be booked at that moment.

They could easily have waited a couple of weeks.

I think they were wrong but your reaction is worse

I'm outraged on your behalf OP, I think your in-laws were and still are completely out of order, and in Mn fashion you have a serious husband problem.
They didn't want this holiday for you all (if that was the case they could've waited to discuss it for when you were ready since money is no object to them), they wanted to book it because THEY wanted to go, for you all to do THEIR thing when and how THEY wanted.
They dismissed the request to wait and booked it anyway, completely disregarding your feelings and the terrible situation you were going through.
Everybody seems to be getting caught up in how amazing an opportunity was but the fact that it was a safary instead of a caravan holiday is a red hearing, they have shown themselves to be completely self absorbed and selfish continuing the pressure when you were at your worst.
Your husband is a wet lettuce, he should've had your back and fight your corner, no holiday is more important than the mental health of your loving partner.
The fact that you just took yourself away to avoid conflict but still let your kids have a normal relationship with their grandparents speak highly of your maturity and I just can't believe they're throwing it back at you.
Your in-laws may be very used to getting their way or letting their money do the talking but your husband is the real problem here, if he's never gonna support you frankly I would take his ultimatum and aim for a peaceful future without that selfish family.

Well we don't know that and nor does the OP seeing as she never spoke to them again!

Even millionaires like a bargain or it could have been because they know the place they wanted to go to (which they'd been to before from the OP) gets booked up early.

Especially if an exclusive type of place with limited spaces.

The OP does explain that she was doing exactly as you described - taking care of everything at home, prioritizing her kids needs, co-ordinating with her sister and stepmother on her Dad’s final days, the funeral and the aftermath.

She clearly did not expect the world to stop. She just wanted her in laws to stop harassing her about this trip - she’d already said no - politely and firmly.

In-laws had two options accept the no, or consider that the OP should not be bothered about it on the day of the funeral and wait a week or so and try to discuss then.

Then PIL and H have compounded the initial upset by the way they have treated her since.

I agree that from what you’ve told us his parents seem very selfish. The holiday offer is so that they get to spend time with their grandchildren somewhere that they like, not where the children wanted to go. They on the surface appear generous - lots of lovely photos with their grandkids etc, but aren’t generous with time/help/or empathy to a tricky and upsetting situation where they could be generous in a non financial sense.. I know other people like this and I see why some on this thread think you’re being unreasonable.
Your DH was brought up in this lifestyle so I see why he’s possibly siding with them but if it’s always like this when really is it how you want to live?

I think your reaction was disproportionate. But you're grieving, it is understandable. Staying non-contact is less understandable.

I think you were petty not to allow your dc to go on the holiday to prove a point.

And what is shocking to me is the in laws knew about OP's past, the fact she'd lost her Mum so young.
It was obviously going to make losing her Dad even harder. Not to mention the traumatic nature of his final months.
I think they showed a spectacular lack of empathy and compassion.
It was all about their holiday.

Until OP feels heard on this, she will struggle to move past it.

I do hope you are able to explore complex grief with your therapist, OP.

This is a DH problem. He should have managed all the mental load (including holiday chat) at that time, there was no need to even raise it with you.

So why didn’t your husband tell his own dad to piss off?!

This is the heart of it.

And supported her afterwards as well.

I think there are probably two sides to this story and it sounds like your DH has been dealing with someone spiraling and a holiday could have been a nice thing during all of that.

She said No but it sounds like her husband wanted to go or he would have shut down his parents immediately.

The OP doesn't even mention that she spoke to his parents directly about it. It was all through her husband.

If he didn't want to go, I doubt he wouldn't have mentioned it again.

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship dynamic where the OP calls the shots and he was hoping she'd change her mind and had to use his parents, saying they needed to know, to try to persuade her.

From the OP's refusal to talk to his parents for a year over this, I think her DH and his parents know exactly what she's like.

Initially I thought YWNBU because I assumed they were booking a holiday to go away when your dad was ill. But the holiday was for many months later, is that right? In which case, YABU.

In your shoes, I’d have passed the decision to my husband while I focused on my dad. And been grateful I had a holiday to look forward to this year - God knows, you must need one after the trauma of your dad’s illness.

Yes, in an ideal world you’d have made the decision together. But you couldn’t. Unless there’s some massive backstory about them being controlling twats, YADBU.

Have these horrible selfish people who let you live with them for a period of time - paid for all these holidays?
You didn’t go no contact when you needed somewhere to live and there were holidays you wanted to go on.

Yes, got to that bit later. Maybe they hold off for a week after the funeral before asking about the holiday, that would be appropriate. I do know the exhaustion of grief. However, I also know, having been through it, that if offered a holiday around the time of the loss I wouldn't have got upset about insensitivity to me, I would have been thinking about my other children who were still living and whether this might be something that would support them in their loss. Give them something to look forward to, keep them future focused, help them move forwards. OP's children would have been through this trauma with OP in their own way and were grieving too.

Then again, maybe OP's approach is better than mine. She's leaning into her grief, while I worry that I haven't even processed mine because I was so focused on supporting my children as my first priority. I worry it will bite me one day.

What’s missing is respect from your husband. He’s shown no respect for your grief, he’s shown no respect for your wishes to be left alone, and he’s shown no respect for your decisions.

The way he’s trying to undermine your therapy sounds like it’s tipping into coercive control, or maybe that’s a total lack of respect for your healing process as well.

Plenty of people have crazy in-laws, but they’re kept at arms length by kind and respectful husbands.

Why unreasonable to book something for the following year for heavens sake. Not as though they expected her to go away and miss her dads last few weeks of life is it

I think it’s the opposite - the DH is the issue and the OP is wrongly focusing her anger on the in-laws.

I reread the initial posts again and it’s clear that the DH was ignoring how stressed and upset the OP was dealing with her dying father and simply wanted to go on the holiday.

Who knows how he was representing the OP to his parents. Or how he was conveying the pressure about the booking to the OP which may not have been how his parents would have responded directly to the OP.

I honestly think that you would be better off without them, and that your husband would be better off without you.

Edit: and you would be better off without your husband, as he seems to put his parents ahead of you

It was being booked a year out. She didn't have to do anything.

I find myself wondering why this decision is so hard for you - they are offering you a free holiday, yet you need two months to think about it - that feels like you are trying to punish them - or control the situation? I genuinely don't get it - what is there to think about - you want to go, you don't want to go? I have endured grief - it hurts but it's not like you can't function 24/7 for months on end and if it is - you have a big problem and it's not your holiday offer.
Are you using this situation to try to control what can't be controlled - life happens - you can chose to embrace it and live it or you can shut down.
I fear you are bringing this on - inviting misery - deliberately sabotaging your life.
Your parents would not want you to do this on their behalf.

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how it feels.

I do know a bit about how the OP feels because I nursed my Mum at home for three months through end stage cancer and it was traumatic because there’s the grief - you know they are going to die soon plus the uncertainty because you don’t know exactly when, plus the pain and suffering they are going through that makes you feel helpless.

I wouldn’t have wanted to commit to any near future plans in that state either.

She had to decide she wanted to go and wanted to go in the PIL time frame.

She was too exhausted and traumatized to make that decision.

Agree - I thought I’d missed something in OP’s posts.
Let us know please OP!