AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

So sorry for your loss.
I guess it’s important to understand how they were pressuring you? They messaged your husband on the day of your dad’s funeral. What was the context of the message?
‘We hope everything went well today. Would be great if we could get the holiday booked so you all have something to look forward to’ or something much more direct/ without any compassion?
What about the rest of the contact about it. How did that go? Were they rude and unreasonable to you. No sympathy at all?
Or were they kind?
As an aside my parents get completely fixated on things. Like you can’t go round when the shopping is being delivered. They made a massive fuss about doing something on my birthday and then went away. But that’s them and also I think an age thing when they have nothing else to think about.

I just don’t see this as a crime. It was a year away. It was something that your children would enjoy ..I don’t see how this would interrupt or disrupt your grief.

Death for some people focusses the mind on living and maybe it’s that way for your IL s maybe they feel they need to live and plan to be happy. They have a busy schedule and these were the dates they wanted. I would have said yes for my children ..for life and living to the full.

It didnt need to be a dramatic thing, you could have thought…I won’t go if I can’t face it next year. Your ILs weren’t in your circle of grief and that’s not wrong.

OP has explained the problem, her feelings and past trauma. Another post showing your heartlessness.

Her FIL texted her husband the day after the funeral to ask for the final decision.

Neither of her PIL harangued her. They offered a holiday and obviously her DH was keen or he'd have shut the whole thing down.

I agree. If op doesnt want to go on the holiday and continue with this really silly drama, then the kids and husband can still go but I bet op wouldnt like that either. I feel bad for the husband.

Your in laws sound like they need to be the centre of everyone's universe and behave like only 2 year olds should when they aren't. However I think you should go on the holiday because it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for your kids. To be honest, if you didn't go, your in laws probably wouldn't think they had done wrong, they probably wouldn't even be hurt, they probably would just think you were a self-centred, unreasonable cow. Your child however would miss out on a fantastic holiday that you probably couldn't give them again.

My point was that I wasn’t completely non-functioning from my grief. I was still doing everything I possibly could for our family life, whilst also grieving my dad and arranging his funeral. But being drawn into discussions and arrangements for a holiday I didn’t ask for and hadn’t consented to was beyond my capacity at that point in time. I had nothing left to give - I was literally passing out on the sofa every night from exhaustion. My husband saw all of this. And I told all of them that repeatedly and they didn’t listen and kept dragging me into it. I kept going and gave everything I could for my actual family life - I drew the line at a completely unnecessary holiday booking that could have been made at any point in time, and I have spent a year being punished and blamed for it.

Did you read all the OPs updates?

To consent to the holiday she needed to check dates to make sure nothing clashed with work and kids plans.

She needed time to discuss with her DH and kids on what holiday would mean in terms of planning / vaccinations etc.

At the point they first asked her DF was dying but she didn’t know exactly when he would die or how things would go during and afterwards as she was managing this process from a distance.

The thought of losing her remaining parent was causing extreme stress and upset.

I do think that while the PIL are clearly very self centered and not very empathetic, her DH was the one conveying all the messages. He should have been much firmer with his parents.

She had already given her final answer, which was a no. They were haranguing her - by definition, as they were after a different answer. And husband was talking to her throughout this period about it, trying to get her to change her mind. She had already simply said kindly no by this point.

Incidentally hubby did shut it down, that was his first reaction. But then his mother got to him and he took up the campaign to get OP to give a different answer (in the days before, during and after the funeral).

Honestly yes you are a little over the top over this

In laws booked a holiday a year later , not like a month away when your dad was poorly

a safari sounds amazing and would have been a lovely exp for your dc

sorry for your loss

I think with hindsight @OneAquaHare you probably could have agreed to shut them up while warning them that if they couldn’t wait to discuss and book later they should get refundable/cancelable tickets just in case. Or even better your DH could have said that.

I think the bigger issue is no one and especially your DH seems to understand or care how upset this has all made you.

You didnt need to martyr yourself to their bizarre insistence on planning this non-urgent holiday right then, and you still don't need to present yourself or your bandwidth as the limiting factor here. I think you're doing that because they've gaslit you into thinking you're the problem.

My understanding OP is you graciously declined, which was your right. No is a full sentence. Then the problem was their refusal to take no for an answer, at the most egregious possible time. And your husband's escalation of it since.

To turn this down because of the timing, you’re bringing pressure into your marriage for nothing I think. Maybe it will split your marriage up by demanding a break from your husband’s family. What’s your end goal here, to make yourself more miserable?

Don't know why your husband didn't just take your kids on his own if you didn't want to go?

Although I get the feeling you would have created a fuss about that.

How much brain space does it take to think about deciding whether to go on a free holiday in a year's time? Obviously you were stressed about your father but time doesn't stop. Surely other thoughts came into your head during that period?

Your husband could surely have thought about the admin related stuff such as time off his work or school if necessary, vaccinations etc. You only needed to think about booking time off your work if needed although it sounds like you're a SAHM from your previous post!

So they cancelled the part of the holiday they booked for your family in the end?

Did you tell your husband he could just go with the kids?

Sounds like the poor man is caught in between you and his parents, even more so that you've put him in the position of causing family estrangement over the offer of a free holiday.

I wonder if you are resentful that your PILs are alive and obviously in good health if they're travelling all around the world, and are projecting your grief and anger over your own parents onto them, which is frankly awful.

I'm with your husband I'm afraid.

Why are you presuming my kids would like this kind of holiday? People like different types of holidays - and that includes kids! The times in the past where my in-laws have actually asked my kids where they would like to go on holiday with them, my kids have told them Disneyland Paris, Center Parcs, Italy or Malta. But my in-laws like safari holidays - they’ve been to this particular lodge 4 times now - so that’s where they decided my kids had to go. As for busy schedules - me and my husband are the ones with busier, more difficult schedules to manage. My PIL are retired and come and go as they please. Their only schedule is deciding when to book their next holiday for.

I can kind of see why you didn’t want to think about it. But surely the reason your DH wasn’t “firmer” with his parents was that he did actually want to go? I don’t know why you went out of your way to make sure your DH couldn’t take his own kids on safari? Just because you were annoyed that they booked it without checking. That comes across really weird to me but maybe I’m not understanding.

Were your kids really gutted they didn’t get to go?

Of all the reasons to go no contact “because my in laws tried to pay for me to go on a safari holiday” seems an odd one.

Well I think they have behaved absolutely hideously and I don’t understand the YABUs at all. The idea of booking something on your behalf when you were in no position to consider it or plan for the near future. And then to try and bully you into going along with it when you were going through the funeral. What sort of people would do that? And why is your husband such a limp dick? And fuck his therapist.

Why don't people understand that the message the OP''s "d"h is conveying is “your feelings aren't important enough. You need to suppress them to make my parents comfortable.”?

Why couldn't they have waited to even suggest the holiday? How insensitive do you have to be not to understand that OP was devasted by her father's declining health and then death? She'd lost her last remaining parent. Wasn't she entitled to prioritise herself for a while?

I think you are being entirely unreasonable towards your DH and your ILs.

Anger is a recognised stage of grief and you are clearly misdirecting that at your ILs and your DH (for still having his parents), this is something you need to work on and soon.

Aside from that, I was 8 weeks pregnant suffering HG when my Dad died and my employer was refusing to pay Statutory sick pay and the SMP for the entire duration of my pregnancy (they paid up when DD was 3months old on the eve of the HMRC taking them to tribunal). You need to put this all into perspective, it's very sad that both your parents are dead but you have (had) in-laws that value you and you family enough to take you on an all expenses paid safari, and you've thrown this relationship back in their faces.

You could have always have sent DH and the kids without you.

They should certainly never have booked the holiday without your permission and the instance you first said no they should have cancelled and shut the f up about it, and put it down as a learning exercise for them and of course apologise to you back then.

In your shoes I would feel the same as you clearly do. They were bang out of order, even if your dad had not been ill!

I did read all of the OPs updates. I do still think she overreacted. Vaccines could have been sorted much later and no one had a work diary they need to manage a year in advance. DH should never have relayed the messages and should have managed his parents because the OP was losing her dad… but to go NC forever is not a reasonable reaction.

I’ve been here myself, and the OP was frustrated that the in laws didn’t care her Dad was dying. My in laws were the same. Do you keep them at arms length? Yes. Do you cut them out of your life forever? Not if you want to keep your marriage!

Do you think people are struggling to see past the "free holiday" element? People's reaction on here is odd to me. Have they actually been involved in planning a funeral for a parent? You don't have time to think about (at best) fripperies a year hence and (at worst) how to navigate the offer to spend intense time time with difficult in-laws you don't want to!

I just find this all very dramatic. Many of us have lost parents and grieved - and continue to grieve many years after.

I have experienced similar - a dying parent on a different continent. It’s horrible and terrifying but it was my pain. I didn’t expect everyone around me to feel the same, react the same or expect the world to stop entirely because of ME.

The kids kept laughing, playing, going to school, we went to work, life continued.

Your reaction to a holidays booked a year later is extreme. You wallowing in self pity is fine, it don’t force it on your husband and children.

I’d love to hear the other side of this.

Reading your posts (and I've only read this far), what I think you are struggling with is that the world didn't stop when your father died. Two months for everyone to stop is not realistic. When my CHILD died, my focus was on what my own children needed most. Nothing stopped for a second, certainly not for two months. It's hard that the world keeps turning in spite of our worst pain. In general people slow down until after the funeral, then work on finding a way to keep living without the person they love. That's not to minimise your pain, it's a harsh reality of grief. There are always reminders that come up that poke at that pain fresh too. You've had this huge loss but the world and everyone in it keeps going oblivious. It's quite surreal in some ways.

I've also found that grief can compound. This is your second painful loss. I wonder if you might be experiencing complicated grief?

She didn't need to do anything though. They weren't asking her for anything.

All she had to say to her DH (and it wasn't his parents harassing her directly from my understanding) was 'can't think about that now, if you want to go and they want to book it tell them to go ahead and we'll discuss it later'.

It's not like she was unable to form a sentence!

I assume it wasn't a definite he was going to die in the August, and the PILs may not have known the full picture.