AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I agree

You obviously didn't read OP's post, so I'll summarise the parts you missed.

1. the issue wasn't that the holiday was booked for the year after her father passed away. The issue was husband and PIL were pressuring OP for a favourable answer in her father's dying days, to the extent that her father's last hours on earth were overshadowed for OP by her husband's repeated pressuring for an answer

2. having pressured her for answer, the answer was no. Their response was not to back off like any humane and normal person, but to increase the campaign on her such that during and immediately after the funeral, OP was being harassed and hugely pressured to change her mind

3. PIL and husband have refused to apologise

4. husband has issued an ultimatum that if OP doesn't lie and act like none of this happened, he will end the marriage..

These are the issues at play, not the timing of the holiday itself in the calendar year after her dad's passing.

Losing a parent is hugely stressful, so the timing was very very unfortunate and the whole situation is understandably probably tied in with your dad's death in your mind.

Intent is important here. It's unlikely they booked a holiday to intentionally hurt you or stress you out. Your inlaws probably thought it would be nice for you to have a holiday to look forward to after you'd been under so much stress.

Is it really worth losing the relationship with them and risking your marriage over this? Essentially they were doing a nice thing but executed it very very poorly

No, what they did was make her dad's final time alive, and his funeral period, all about this topic, by her husband constantly raising and making her feel bad it to get her to change her mind, instead of just backing off.

Then why were they interrupting the funeral to get an answer? There was nothing time sensitive about this holiday, they could have booked it and gone anytime.

All the drama could have been avoided if, as one other poster said, the OP had just told the in-laws that it wasnt the time to get enthusiastic about holiday planning whilst her dad was ill but as she knew her hubby was keen to go then just go ahead and book for the family and if she decided against going at a later date then they would have to be prepared to lose money on her booking.

Keep refusing to discuss or engage just inflames the situation.

Like the lunch There is no such thing as a "free" holiday.

Hand's up how many people really want to spend their annual leave with their in laws, particularly if they have been overbearing towards her for the last 20 years?

• given the deadlines delivered at the time of the funeral.
• Given no choice or consultation, just a demand that they get on board.
• Given that They upset her at a very vulnerable time and created a division in her marriage that is still ongoing.
• Given a DH completely unable to either have her back or stand up for her and who manages to turn her attempts to address this as her problem.

A barrel of fun or the holiday from hell?

If you find people difficult on a weekend visit or over Christmas - 2-3 weeks of their company is an endurance test that would drive a person mad. Particularly with her DH's behaviour.

ps... not asking for people to post about how marvellous holidays with in laws are. If they are then you are extremely fortunate, but that is not the case here.

So do I. I think that because of the emotional state you were in at the time you’re not seeing things clearly.
In simple terms, your PILs booked an expensive holiday (assuming they thought it would be a kind thing to do given the situation you were in regarding your father). This holiday was for some time in the future. They didn’t need permission to do this, if you chose not to take them up on this very kind gesture it would be their loss financially. A simple ‘no thanks, I just cannot consider your offer at this moment’ was all that was needed. They haven’t ’violated boundaries’, they have tried to do a lovely thing.

I can understand you were grieving but i cannot understand why your husband couldn’t make the decision to go or at least go with his children snd leave you at home if you did not want to go. you sound a bit controlling tbh.

Your poor Father, he really went through the mill. It must have been a roller coaster of emotions for you when he was seriously ill. It really wasn’t the time to be making future plans.
I can’t believe they haven’t apologised to you. They’re unfair putting your husband in this position causing stress on your marriage. He should recognise that.

Gosh they didn't do anything hurtful or offensive, you're intertwining this with all of your grief. I'm sorry you have lost your parents (I am in the same boat) but they sound lovely and kind and quite frankly your reaction is extremely excessive bordering on unhinged.

Family life did go on. I was still responsible for the bulk of the childcare during this entire time. My kids started the new school year the day after my dad died. I did all the drop-offs, all the pick-ups. I would drop the kids off at school, then go home and get on FaceTime with my stepmum and sisters to help arrange my dad’s funeral. I would wash the clothes, wash the dishes, make dinner, look after them when my husband had to work late, help with their homework - and then I would go into my bedroom while they watched TV and hide so they didn’t have to see me crying every day. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with a completely unnecessary holiday booking that I didn’t ask for or consent to in any way. I told all 3 of them that clearly and I was ignored.

Yes, all of those things are what people have to do, even after a traumatic loss.

But your reaction to the holiday booking is still OTT.

You say your father died ''last summer'' - i.e. summer of 2025.
It is now October 2026 - are you not feeling a bit better as it is over a year?
Your children should take this great opportunity for this Safari. You should not stand in their way -NOR try to prevent them having a relationship with their very wealthy GP😂
You know Queen Victoria mourned Albert for over 40 years and made life hell for most of her DC.

That's what she said, numerous times. Her husband and PIL kept pressuring her to change her mind, including right as her Dad was dying and then at the funeral.

The holiday has passed

But they were not at his funeral? Also, considering the fact that they spend all their time at one of their 3 homes in 3 different countries, plus endless holidays, surely that means you never see them?

Well yes, if you're not at work and your partner is then you usually do the bulk of the housework and childcare.

Why did you say no to the holiday when they booked it? It’s not great that they kept on at you to change your mind, but they were likely frustrated at the fact you were saying ‘no’ out of principle because you were annoyed at their timing.

I think you need to reflect on all perspectives in this scenario. I say that as someone who also lost my parents very young, my MIL trampled all over my boundaries when my mum died (in my 20s) took a long time to forgive her.

I'm really curious - her husband told them not to book it right then (OPs Dad was dying, just hold fire a couple of months, there was no urgency to the holiday). PILs ignored husband's instruction and booked anyway. In order not to lose the deposit PILs were pressuring OP to irrevocably commit to the holiday at the Dad's funeral. How is that not insane and narcissistic of the PILs? There was no urgency to this holiday whatsoever. I'm really curious how this could be seen so differently.

Her reaction was simply to decline to go - hardly OTT?

Their reaction was to engage in a campaign to pressure her to change her mind, at her Dad's funeral, and in the period before and after.

Now she is distancing herself from them because they are obviously lunatics to have not backed off either when initially told by her husband that now wasn't the right time, or at any point thereafter.

Your in-laws sound very self-centered.

They should of waited to book the holiday until you all agreed but also they may of been doing it out of care for something to take your mind off losing your dad for all of you as a family , the children shouldn't miss out I don't think thats fair.
Its very hard losing people in our lives but you can't live in it and expect others too either as they say life still goes on.
Being no contact completely isnt good for any of you , I do think maybe your taking out your loss on your in laws and hubby.

I agree with your husband here. You habe blown this holiday totally out of proportion and possibly need some help with unpacking why you have caused so much drama around a kind gesture. Im sorry for your loss, but it really sounds like you're taking it all out in your in laws. Is there more to this, or some sort of powerplay to make your husband choose between you because its so very irrational.