AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

FWIW I find this thread disgraceful, OP.

In no way have you deserved the pile-on you've been given.

The way people treat those who are grieving says a lot about them.

Forbid or not forbid isn't the question. They pressed her for her final answer and she gave it. They didn't like it but that doesn't mean it wasn't her final answer. And pressuring her at an incredibly vulnerable time of her life is massively out of order. What right did they have to force their decision on her a year in advance when if they'd left her alone she may well have come round. Instead they pushed her and now she associates this holiday with the death of her father and the thoughtlessness of her PILS.

@OneAquaHare sorry your dad died but YABU here.

You have let your grief cloud your judgement and have denied your kids the holiday of a lifetime.

Your ILs were being super kind and wanted to do something nice. Yes, the timing wasn't great but as sad as it was your dad was ill, life for other people goes on.

I think you owe your inlaws an apology because it sounds very much like you have cut off your nose to spite your face.

I have read all your updates. Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. My own Father has been very unwell this summer and I had a very similar situation with regards to lots of near death stuff. I think your PIL are very disrespectful and your husband by proxy. I don’t think I would ever forgive them for what they did at such a stressful time. Now to the big bit - do you want to stay married? If not this is an easy solution- tell your husband you want a divorce. If you love your husband just get cleaver, tell him you will speak to them again but keep it totally grey rock. Polite but totally detached. They can say you are different and rude but you will never do anything that is not impeccably polite so they will have no evidence of this. Turn up, smile, laugh don’t ever say anything about your life (work, kids etc) just be like a polite stranger. Then your husband will be happy, you will have the upper hand and life goes on. Honestly they sound like they have been this way for years and this is a great way to deal with it. With your children, if you don’t say much, just a comment like your fathers family are unique they will work it out too - they are much more observant than we give them credit for. Finally, I do agree with others that your grief has been turned into anger against them and this is clouding your judgement- it’s not healthy for you to be so emotionally raw about this - you will find if you grey rock it will help you to separate both. I don’t think you will ever forgive your husband for this, however in a LTR there are always scars here and there. ❤️❤️❤️

Actually, it was her husband that disagreed with OP.

The best way to avoid butting heads over a free holiday in a year’s time that your DH and DC want to go on with their grandparents is to not make it all about you and your grief right now.

Surely OP had better things to think about than a holiday in a year? Saying yes to someone else booking and paying for it isn’t commitment to go and have a grand time. She’s said multiple times they’re dripping in money and would have been fine if she decided not to go in the end. It was her DH who was pressuring her to let him and the DC go.

Going right back to the OP...

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times

Your DH and his parents got things wrong, yes. But he was right that he was stuck in the middle. He probably didn't want his children missing out either.

But he has been dealing with your extreme anger for a while year. It must be exhausting, and it must be affecting your family life. I understand that your angry is driven by grief to a large extent, but it will have had its effects on him, too. And I think that in this kind of intractable situation an apology from his parents will not make any difference,l. He doesn't want to fuel things with his own family in order to extract something that will end up being meaningless.

Your counselling doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. I have no answers. But if I was your spouse and I could see no end to your anger and its affects on everyone around you, I would be wondering if it was time to call it a day.

I do feel for your children in all this. It must be pretty grim in your house. And all over a holiday that they know they'd have loved.

I think that they massively overstepped and you were totally right to take a step back to grieve and have a breathing space. Is there room to sit down with them to explain how hurt you were and how completely insensitive they were. If they don't apologise I think that you are right to continue the low or no contact for your own sanity.

It does sound like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Put your mental health before anything else.

I told them all multiple times how I was feeling and what I was capable of handling. There are multiple text messages from my PIL to my husband over those few weeks acknowledging that I had said no, but wanting me to change my mind. There are also messages where my husband is asked by his parents whether a completely fabricated fear of flying (I have flown all over the world - I don’t have a fear of flying) is the real reason I said no. Their rationale for saying that was that for the past few years all of our holidays have involved us taking our car to the continent and driving - that’s purely because those are the holidays we can afford to do when we want to take our kids on holiday more than once a year, and some of those holidays were us driving to one of their houses because they wanted to spend time with the kids in France!

I was going to say you overreacted, but from your updates it sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back.

They sound controlling.

I would echo others and suggest couples counselling to talk this through.

I doubt many of us would want our in-laws booking a holiday for us without our permission at the best of times, let alone when dealing with a parent dying. So sorry for your loss. YANBU and I'm afraid to say your husband is a bit of a coward, always running to do what his parents want.

Nothing to add; this post nails it. YNBU OP. They sound like fuckwits and your H is embroiled in the FOG of fuckwit with them.

I did see a helpful suggestion earlier though which was to go to marriage counselling together rather than apart, we did Relate I found that excellent. Obvs you have pay but I assume you could afford it if you cancelled the individual counselling you are having/have had.

You are still grief stricken too, so do make use of bereavement services don't struggle along on your own.

YANBU. At all!

I expect the people who are voting “YABU” are the type of people like your in-laws. Absolutely no empathy or respect for other people, they just expect you to “get on with it” and that you should be “grateful”. Nah fuck that!!

I am so sorry that you’ve lost both parents in very traumatising circumstances 😞❤️

People grieve in different ways and it's not for me to tell you how to feel.
I lost my dad 2 years ago now. He was local and I watched it happening in slow motion. It wasn't an easy thing to go through and it still affects me now. There's no time limit on grieving.
However, the intensity that you still feel about the situation with the holiday isn't healthy. For you or the rest of your family. I really think rather than looking focusing on blaming your in laws for their behaviour you need some help with moving forward. For your own sake.
Now, you may be right, your in laws may be horrible people who wanted to book a holiday to spite you but honestly, I find that hard to accept. I do believe that how you see it but really, nobody does that. If they really wanted to be mean and make life hard for you when you dad was sick and dying there are much more effective ways to do it. Booking a holiday isn't one of them.
Yes, they underestimated how it was affecting you - probably really don't understand it at all. As you can see on this thread, lots of people don't get it. That's because grief is personal and nobody should tell you how to feel during it. But I do think you're trapped in a mindset which is harming you and harming your family. So you need to ask yourself if that's really where you want to be.
When my dad died, I felt very angry that life seems to be going on around me. I felt that way for a while. But that's how it is. It's normal to feel like that. I can't imagine still being trapped in that anger though. You say you're getting therapy. I think you need to focus on moving forward at this point rather than focusing on what happened in the past. Hopefully your therapist can help with that.

Hi, very sorry for your loss. I lost a parent in not very nice circumstances and it's like having the roof of your house blown off. I can't imagine having to deal with someone else's parents needs at the same time as the loss. However I think they were trying to be nice. I sense the ignoring your need for space and peace at a difficult time, and your right as a parent to speak on behalf of your kids is the main issue. They and your husband seem tone deaf to your grief. I think you need to take the heat out of this. May be write a short letter saying you need space to grieve and will reconnect when you feel a bit better. I would then have words with your husband reminding him part of his role as a spouse is to support you when you are struggling and not to issue threats to blow up your marriage and family when things get though. X

In fairness, she did say no and that was (in the end) respected. As I understand it, her in-laws haven’t cut her off for this - instead she’s gone non-contact with them.

I'm sorry OP, so do I.

They looked after you after your mum's accident, they wanted to book a safari for your dc, and your DH asked them not to consult you at that time out of concern for your state.

I think it isn't so much that he is minimising as that you are over-blowing it. I think you are perhaps using this as an outplay of your grief, which is understandable but not necessarily reasonable.

If I had done what they did, I would struggle to see why you were non-contact with me other than feeling you were over-reacting. It is hard to see how you felt so abandoned and alone when they were, in their way, involving you in a family trip of a lifetime - and if I am completely frank, it seems a bit unfeeling towards people who genuinely ARE alone.

When you say this has made you feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, have you discussed with your therapist whether it is perhaps that fact that is causing you to react like this, and not vice versa?

I am sorry for your losses and hope you find healing soon. But I don't think directing (or mis-directing) your grief at this issue is helpful.

Completely agree with this. Some of the responses on threads like this put me right off MN. There's a bullying feel to it.
Sorry for your loss OP.
The main problem is your DH not having your back tbh. That's likely to prove terminal to your relationship unfortunately.

Or they are people who really have faced tragedy alone.

I think you want someone to be angry at, so you picked your ILs and now are expanding that to your DH.

The holiday - you could have just left it and dealt with it later in your own time. “I can’t deal with it right now, but you guys go ahead with plans, just understand that I might decide later not to come”.

It’s also getting expanded out to them not looking after the kids too. And other things. You just want to be angry.

Every close relationship needs work, so of course there will be some things about your ILs that irritate you (you feel they overstep, that they don’t look after the kids enough, that your MIL sulks, that you resent their wealth …) and of course there will be issues with your DH too (can’t be bothered to list them, sorry) but you are wrapping these ordinary every day grievances up in your dads death and channeling your anger into them.

This. You need to let it go now it’s not really that big a deal

Oofe - that was shocking. You were right to withdraw. People like that don't deserve to benefit from the presence of decent people. My sister had her new boyfriend with her to view our dead mother's body when he had never met her in life. I have withdrawn from her completely for that and about 500 similar offences. There are some things that simply cannot be undone. They split up about a month later.

I think you're at trying couples counselling or divorce. Your husband prioritised his parents over you when you were grieving. There might be a route back from that but it'll be tricky.

You cant tell some when to get over grief.

I think it's selfish of you not at least just to say - I can't think about holidays at the moment, but feel free to go ahead and organise something with DH (your son) and the children. Or - feel free to book for me too, but understand that, depending on how I feel in a year's time, or in the unlikely event of my boss not allowing me the time off despite a year's notice, I may not be able to go.
They may very well have thought that having something amazing to look forward to over that year would help you, rather than the opposite.
You have made it all about you. Don't your DH and DCs matter?
Bearing in mind that we are only hearing your side of things, I suspect that you are a very difficult daughter-in-law and that those poor people can do no right.

So what? Just because they’ve “faced tragedy alone” doesn’t give them a free pass to totally disrespect someone else and their boundaries for their own benefit.