AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I think your husband is putting the parents needs before you. I think you should tell your husband to stick it snd get divorced.

That’s exactly the box I have been penned into by my in-laws and husband for, I have realised, our entire marriage.

1. He won’t stand up for any of us or say anything to his parents when their behaviour hurts him, me or our children. He just silently accepts it because he has been taught his entire life by his father not to do anything to upset his mum.

2. I’m not allowed to stand up for myself or the kids, because if I say or do anything that upsets his mum, even if it is in response to hurtful behaviour from my in-laws, she will give me and my husband the silent treatment for weeks and he will blame me for his mum being mad at him.

3. I’m now being told that I can’t remove myself from a situation which is harming my mental health - even when it is me and only me taking that distance, and he and the kids are free to see them whenever they want.

The only option I am being given is to silently accept whatever way his parents decide to treat me, and to never expect any acknowledgement or apology for hurt caused to me even at one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. And apparently the majority of people think that’s ok because I was offered a free holiday.

I don't know how you all can come back from this. You have a lot of resentment towards them and it's understandable losing your dad was devastating it's as though you are using this against them. I think it's important to separate losing your dad from them booking a holiday. Would your dad want this for you. It's such a sad waste of relationships for those you do have. It's as though your pushing to see how far you can go. I don't think you liked them and this has been a reason you can justify. What resolution are you seeking. Life is too short for this bitterness. You'll make yourself ill. Try to find peace.

Tbh your DH should have just made a decision there and then: "Yes, we'll go or no, not this trip."

No it doesn't.

But I do feel the OP is letting her grief cloud the extent to which she is truly "alone."

I think she is is - understandably - angry. Life isn't fair. terrible things happen and it hurts, it really does. Her grief - and anger - is certainly not at all unreasonable.

I just think if she maybe unpacked this, she may find she is using the safari issue as a decoy for the real anger.

This is well-put, and, I think, wise OP.

OP - they spoke to your DH, their own son, to offer a family holiday in a year's time. Not exactly a ruthless attack on you, was it?
Seriously, you need to get over it and think about your children and what would make them happy. It doesn't all have to be about you.

If it runs deeper and more broadly than just the holiday, that is a whole other issue OP.

You need to begin to move on from this with your DH or make a decision to move out.

You are going round in circles. It isn’t good for you.

Even on here you are rehashing the same situations, adding more and doubling down on how you feel. You don’t seem to be able to accept the advice of others unless it agrees with what you already think.

As you don’t seem to be able to move on, I think you should plan to end your marriage.

Have you read every single one of the OP’s updates?

Because it’s so much more than the safari.

I'd suggest finding another therapist, too. You don't seem to be doing well with the current one.

(ETA - I really should learn to read all the updates to catch the drip feed before responding!)

You sound like hard work

If you want to book a holiday for someone else (doesn't matter who) you should make sure they want to go.
If they express hesitations (for whatever reason), you stop.
Leave the offer on the table.
Ask them if there is anything else you could do to support them.
And leave it at that.

Pretty basic stuff really. No need to hassle anyone.
It could have been a lovely gesture. The insistence on ploughing ahead made it something else.

They did though. They asked their son, who did want to go (unless I am misunderstanding). It would surely have been worse if they had booked for their son and grandchildren but left OP off the booking.

It depends how much their behaviour impacts your life going forward and if you can forgive your DH for his piss poor treatment of you at the most awful point in your life.

Maybe set a date at which you sit down with yourself and have a serious word with yourself about how you feel about him and them and if you want the marriage. February the 28th? Meanwhile a period of watching and listening.

He sounds like a spineless pillock to me.

Really bizarre take from that poster OP. Of course you're not cutting them off, you said that!

OP, I am sorry for your multiple losses. Not just your DH, but also of the relationship you had with your DH and ILs. It’s a shame it got to this point. I am troubled that your DH is weaponising therapy and would be tempted to demand couples counselling for both of you.. your ILs were thoughtless and insensitive. But your DH is the real issue here. If he can’t respect you it’s hard to see where you go in future. I am so sorry.

Thank you. My MIL admitted in writing that they booked the trip because the children were getting older and she wanted to experience their excitement at seeing Africa for the first time. There were zero discussions about what kind of trip my kids actually would have wanted and enjoyed. There was no discussion about whether they would be happy getting the vaccinations they would have needed (we would have needed the rabies jab at least because of where they wanted to go). I’m not going to just force my children to have vaccinations for a holiday without discussing it with them properly first (the eldest two are old enough to have a say). But none of this was considered.

OP, I may have missed something here, but you said the holiday was going to be Summer 2026? Is this right?

Presumably it would be in school holidays and the kids wanted to go? So why were you saying 'no?' What was the hesitation? Can you say?

To maybe reframe it from their POV, they might have seen what you were going though and, out of a wish to give you something to look forward to, they try to book you all a holiday to take 6 months later. All paid for. All booked and organised by them.

I would understand your reaction if they were on your case to organise a holiday for them. Or if they were so thoughtless to think you would be ready to go away in the following month, or something like this? That would feel like pressure, for sure. But if this holiday was booked for summer 2026, and this was Oct last year, and they didn't want or need you to do it pay anything, just agree to let them sort it..., then sorry, I think you are overacting a little.

If it was a holiday whilst your dad was ill or shortly after, I'd understand, but it was for the following year.

I don't think it was great timing with them asking, but equally I feel you're blowing it out of all proportion because your grief has turned to raging against the world.

That rage, though understandable, wasn't worth depriving your children of a once in a lifetime holiday, and certainly not breaking up a family for.

They were pressing for her confirmation the day after the funeral.

Personally I’d have waited to see if Op was enthusiastic about it before booking anything.

Where were they planning if you need the rabies jab!!

OP you need to focus on yourself here and decide how your future looks - is your marriage worth saving?

Sounds like they booked it because they figured you'd want to go when the time came but didn't want to bother you about it while your dad was dying. Then even though you were upset about it, their own child and the father of their grandchildren was continuing to tell them he wanted to go and was trying to convince you, so it makes sense they wouldn't immediately cancel it just because you (over) reacted while in the throes of grief. A lot of the needling about it seems to have come from your husband, not them, and I can understand why, because it doesn't make sense not to go just to prove whatever point you think you're making. Going no contact with them and now risking your marriage is extremely over the top and I can see why your husband is sick of it.

Am I the only one that's struggling to understand the timeline here?

The inlaws booked (or wanted to book) a holiday in Aug 2025 for summer (?) 2026.
So has that holiday happened? @OneAquaHare , did you go on the holiday? or did your husband and DC go without you?