AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I think your husband sounds like a dick tbh. The rest of it is kind of shades of grey, but your husband sounds pretty horrible so I am inclined to think he’s probably got that from somewhere and think his parents probably aren’t great either.

Also, if they’re loaded then I would just wait it out till they die so you get some of the inheritance when you divorce him. And I do think you should divorce him because he sounds like a tool, call it compensation money.

I think their behavior has been self centered. My mum died in spring this year and to have been badgered whilst she was dying and at her funeral over a holiday would have been awful.

From the in laws point of view, I suppose they might have been stressed about losing slots/flights/whatever and (seemingly not having much to occupy their time), went ahead and booked without your consent. I think I could have swallowed that if they had not mentioned the booking during the dying / funeral / immediate aftermath. If they had sensitively said a few weeks later that they had made the booking so as not to lose the slots, but didn’t want to upset you further by discussing it at the time - AND said you don’t have to come if you don’t want to, then I think that would have been reasonable and you might have agreed to come. But the way they went about it was disgraceful - badgering whilst your dad was dying and at his funeral.

They don’t seem to have had much (any) empathy for the loss of your dad and I can see why you don’t want to see them.

Your DH also seems pretty silly to say that you need to talk to them or the marriage is over. He is likely going to face the illness/care/death of the pair of them in the not too distant future. He has not been in the position of losing a beloved parent. He could easily see his parents without you, I don’t see why he couldn’t take the kids to see them and why it’s such a bother to him if you don’t see them.

It’s hard to end a 20 year marriage. You’ve been with him basically your whole adult life. I don’t know what I would do. Sometimes it is better the devil you know.

I haven’t been on holiday since my mum died. We didn’t go anywhere this summer. We tried to get our lives and house back together after the awful illness and death.

You don’t have to be grateful for all ‘gifts’ all the time, no. Even you said most, not all. If I’m watching my weight and the gift giver knows but gets me a large box of chocolates I won’t feel genuine gratitude. If I ask for some space because I’m grieving and can’t think about holidays then no, I won’t be grateful a holiday has been foistered on to me.

I wonder why they felt they had to force the timing but long haul holidays are usually booked a year or more in advance and September is a good time to visit South Africa so maybe they wanted to get it firmed up thinking it was a year ahead. I can see from your point of view you did not have the head space for it but honestly do any of us after a bereavement for some time? I remember a week after my Dads death hosting a 7 year old birthday party with clowns for my DD and it was the last place I wanted to be but I put on a brave face for her so as not to spoil her birthday. Maybe in your husbands eyes you have deprived him and your kids an experience of a lifetime by not even trying to engage with the holiday offer as well as offending his parents for their offer which they probably won’t repeat. Just playing devils advocate and going NC and blowing up your family seems OTT. Although you seem to resent them for other stuff too.

Totally agree with the post above - some of you are so completely obsessed with the nice holiday and them wanting to treat the family and are completely missing the fact that this is not the case - they wanted to book a holiday and take the children to somewhere they wanted to go to regardless of what the Op or even her DH said - they had no regard for her feelings at all and money/having to make a decision played no part. They did something for themselves which happened to involve the Op's family and nothing about the way they did it is right - no-one can judge grief or how it makes someone feel but they should have just left any booking/decision making until the Op was ready to discuss it - don't understand why some of you can't see or understand that! Op I totally feel for you 100%!

OP, did you actually go on the safari? I apologise if you have answered that but I can't see that you have.

Individual counselling is obviously causing a further division in your marriage. Joint counselling would be better.

On the face of it your in laws have behaved badly. I think the reason so many people are voting YABU is because the timelines don't make a lot of sense.

Your post of 12.15 says you declined the holiday but your other posts refer to you wanting a few months to get your head straight.

When my dad was dying, we said no to everything and it was accepted. It's a bit confusing that you say you were declining but also asking for time to get your head straight.

I did not read your post properly for which I apologise. But even if I misunderstood I was not being accusing. I was trying to say how sad it would be. Not berating you if it was to be so.

I was going by what can often seem to happen. That if one parent, particularly mum, goes no contact then grandparents find they have reduced or no contact as well.

Agreed! This is all so dramatic.

But it sounds as though ILS did discuss the trip with the children’s parent, your DH. It’s likely he said yeah, that sounds great, thanks very much.

Maybe they thought it would give you something to look forward to?

So what’s happening now? You aren’t going? Is DH going? Is he taking the DC? Obviously you can’t stop DH going, and personally I wouldn’t deprive my DC of such a wonderful holiday.

This.

You are being way too OTT.

To be honest I was expecting something very different when I read the title. YNBU.
what irks me is the demanding a final answer after you said ‘No’ repeatedly. Why was it so important to book it right then? They couldn’t wait for the following year and give you some time and space?
what they did was wrong but your husband isn’t coming out of this looking good either. Why do they all lack basic empathy?

The one thing that really comes across to me is that as women we are not allowed to have our own feelings and act on them.

We are supposed to consider other people's feelings and be grateful.

So a truly astonishing number of people think that a woman who has no parents at an age when most people still have two parents, someone for who the loss of her father is especially painful, should prioritise the wishes of her wealthy in-laws to whisk everyone off on safari.

She should think of the kids. She should think of her in-laws as generous. She shouldn't risk rocking the boat of her marriage, by saying that she doesn't really want to see her in-laws at present.

Sometimes we just want to set a boundary. No. I don''t want to do this right now. This doesn't work for me. This isn't the right time.

It's not enough if you say, well other people can see the in-laws. Or we can go on holiday later.

You have to do what other people want. Whe they want it. With a great big smile on your face. And if you don't people will say, it's you that the problem.

You are pretty adamant you are not wrong so I don't know why you are asking really.

But in relation to your last point, your choice of no contact with your PILs WILL be having a significant impact on your DC and their relationship with their extended family. Whoever's fault it is, please don't ignore this and it is within your power to change the situation and model some different behaviours to your DC, if you choose.

Hang on, so people who love/are close to their parents should stay living close to them and never move away? I live in a different country to my parents, due to a few reasons, studies, jobs, now DH etc.

But by your logic, I should never have moved away, should I just have worked at the local corner shop and moved into the house next door?

There is a big wide world out there, maybe try seeing it.

I’m very sorry for your loss, OP.
i think it is unreasonable to book a holiday for others who have told you not too. It’s labelled as a ‘kind’ act to shut you down and make you feel unreasonable about declining.
what they have done is steam rolled over your feelings.
reading your updates, you have a DH problem whereby he prioritises them over you.
i think what other posters haven’t realised is that it sounds to me like the behaviour at the time of your Dads passing is the straw that has broken the camels back.
Your DH is now trying to manipulate you in the same way his DM manipulates him.
id quietly get your ducks in a row. It may be that you can’t come back from this. Both you and he, need to consider what you want moving forward.

I actually think this is about OP and her own mental state and the in laws are a red herring

the rage oozed off the screen and that isn’t healthy. Whether or not Op sees the in laws again or gets a divorce is irrelevant really.

it’s really important OP deals with her grief because it sounds like it’s eating her up and she deserves to have the time and space to deal with her anguish. Don’t waste your time talking about the in laws with your therapist - spend the time focussing on your feelings and trying to ground them

I’m team OP. Partly because I lost my own dad in horrible circumstances a couple of years ago and my own FIL was so kind and supportive. He cancelled his own holiday to travel for the funeral - he shopped and cooked for us and I will never forget it. I think piling that pressure on you when you’d already politely declined and stated your boundary is really bad behaviour.

I guess though ultimately you need to decide if you forgive them and move on? I can see why it’s a difficult position for your husband and in the long term no contact probably isn’t sustainable? I can see how it will take a toll on your marriage and make things tricky for your kids.

I am really sorry for the loss of both your parents, it sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot.

@OneAquaHare YABU. They were told not to mention the holiday to you in August due to the circumstances with your Dad but most likely also didn’t want you and the kids to miss out on a holiday of a lifetime, so as long as they were prepared to lose the money spent should you say no once you did know then there’s no harm done.

What I don’t understand is, why you were told whilst your dad was still alive when the initial decision was not to bring the holiday suggestion up. Whoever told you the holiday was booked was the unreasonable one.

That said, I think you are being extremely ungrateful to their kind generosity to both yourself and your kids - unless ofcourse there is a huge backstory you haven’t mentioned.

I do hope the holiday wasn’t cancelled as you sound like you could do with it. Oh and my advice to avoid divorce, try seeing things from both points of view.

Looks like you’re getting a divorce then! I wouldn’t live with that kind of ultimatum from my so called

I did make trips up there, including taking the kids up there by myself for a week before his op, but I couldn’t spend 3 months at the other end of the country. Aside from work and childcare issues, not many people could afford to pay for a place to stay for 3 months while also paying all the usual bills back home. And I couldn’t stay at my dad’s house because my stepmum quite rightly needed her own space and I wasn’t going to force myself on her for weeks on end or disrespect her request for what she needed to get through seeing her husband hooked up to countless machines every day. The last thing my dad asked of us was to look after her and support her however she asked us to. But way to go you, effectively telling a grieving daughter that she didn’t love her dad 👏👏👏

You are clearly still grieving, which I understand. And grief can make us very self focussed. You came on here to seek opinions. Most can see your point of view but-there’s a but- you need to try to let it go now. You will ruin the life you have. Look forward. Not back. Cherish the living and remember the dead.

I agree with @AlteFrau
Women are expected to prioritise others at all times, to their own detriment. I confess I have skin in this game, because my in-laws have done something similar.
In their case they simply do not look beyond their own smug satisfaction at "having done a nice thing" and I suspect that is also the case here. They would not understand at all that by doing this thing they've caused a fracture within the family that can never be repaired. All they see is themselves, and what they want. In my case, it was a grand gesture for just one out of three DC. Idiots.

It is just a holiday a year later that they are planning and paying for! What pressure is there other than packing your suitcase in a year’s time- which your DH could have done. What discussion is needed? It’s a holiday, not starting a business together.

I don’t see why you didn’t just leave your DH’s acceptance of the holiday alone, and go right back to grieving. The world doesn’t stop, family are allowed to make decisions and plans around us. Instead you were vetoing your DH’s acceotabce of the holiday, demanding cancellations, and putting everyone through extra turmoil.

I have buried both my parents and I would not have had the headspace to make a mountain over a holiday in a years time that my DH had agreed to. I would be like that’s great hon, you take care of it and I’ll decide if I will tag along or not closer to the time.

Everyone handles grief differently but I’m sorry OP this comes across as incredibly selfish on your part.

No contact seems to be the done thing lately, which can be warranted in certain circumstances. This situation is not it however. Your in laws booked a holiday, rightly or wrongly due the timing , this is the extent of their sins.

You can choose not to go if you feel so strongly about it, but going no contact seems over the top. You are essentially depriving your children of a normal relationship with their remaining grandparents due to a perceived slight on your part. Regardless of whether you say you have not stopped them seeing them, I assume they cannot visit your home and your husband and children are fully aware of your feelings towards them. From your posts these people have generally shown kindness towards you and your children , it’s very sad you are willing to destroy their relationship with your family due a situation in which everything was likely very emotionally heightened. I hope you will rethink and are able to move forward.