AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

They aren’t your parents, Parents die (mine have). Your in-laws were trying to be nice. 🤷‍♀️

This is the most ridiculous stretch imaginable.

As daft as people who insist everyone is 'jealous' when posters don't agree with the OP.

You could have just ignored it
Are you having a laugh?
She's said repeatedly that she was hassled about it and her husband continued to try to persuade her to change her mind, including in the period while she was away from home for the funeral.

I agree they probably should have waited to book but you are being over the top not talking to them, maybe it’s grief but it seems over the top when they were trying to do something nice.

It's not just about the holiday. You have lots of built up anger and resentment against your in laws which has been building over many years. They do not behave as you think they should or do what you want and it is now manifesting itself and has spiralled out of control. While they were supporting you it seemed the relationship was ok.
It seems you have now reached a crossroads. It has damaged your marriage. Your children are no doubt suffering as they are caught in the middle. Do they accept anything from their grandparents knowing the depth of your anger towards them? There is no way your children are not affected, they will be well aware of your no contact as they will be aware that a fantastic holiday which they would enjoy is at the heart of it.
Your grief is understandable and yes the holiday planning was insensitive. However the failure to move past it could cost you your marriage, your relationship with your husband's family and damages your relationship with your children.

TBH you may have more in common with your MIL than you think. Your reactiond and responses are similar whatever the justification in your own minds.

Exactly what I was going to comment!

Could they be hoping you divorce him so you never benefit from any inheritance.?

Agreed.

The only thing they did “wrong” was to confirm the booking without getting the go ahead from you/your husband first.

You’re so desperate to die on that hill, that now your children will miss out on a wonderfully special experience that you cannot afford yourselves.

It’s not like they were asking you to travel during the time your dad was in hospital, but a year later.

Don’t worry though, I’m sure it’s the last nice thing they’ll try to do for you.

I think this post explains something quite important: which is that 'scales from the eyes' moment when you realise your relationship with someone isn't what you thought and there's no going back to the time before that knowledge.

My mother died a month after diagnosis of a particulaly aggressive cancer. DH's sister came to stay days after the funeral because she'd split with her partner and decided to claim DH's time and attentions as hers by right. I don't recall any comment or discussion about that. I doubt I would have cared: I was still in the 'staring into space stage' and barely noticing what was going on around me. I'd have probably forgotten it completely were it not for her behaviour on that visit. Suffice it to say that it was disgusting and insensitive enough for me to take root in my bedroom until she'd gone.

I'm afraid I have never been able to look past it. It's been years since I saw her. I have my own life: this was nothing so histrionic as an 'unforgiveable' or 'from this moment forward you are dead to me' scenario. I simply removed myself from her orbit and spent time instead with those who do love me and vice vera. Life is short and time is precious.

It's really a question of 'once I've seen who you really are, I can't go back and unsee it'. I didn't want sympathy: what I wasn't expecting was for a hideous time to be made even worse. She chose that time to show me who she really was. I decided to believe her.

This is an entirely understandable position for OP to take.

Your husband refused to protect you. It’s not your in laws fault tbh.

Ok I'm being devil's advocate

They asked you when your dad was very I'll , maybe they thought it would be something to look forward to (and I suspect your husband agreed which is why he has taken this stance) in which case your in laws are definitely not to blame
I suspect he is backing them because he was part of the arrangements

Also yes it would be a deal breaker for me if my husband went non contact with my family totally. Reduced contact fine completely blocking is not something I would be comfortable with

I think this is complicated, and as everyone does I have my own biases on this due to my own in-law situation (which I have recently posted about).

I can absolutely see that having conversations about getting a holiday booked won’t have been your priority during that time, and I know that it can also be very hard to swallow that for other people their lives go on when we are suffering our own losses. But I don’t think what they have done was really awful - based on what you’ve said they were trying to do a lovely thing for you, albeit badly timed and a bit clumsily. When I read your title I thought they were actually trying to pressure you to go away and leave your dad while he was dying, which I would see totally differently.

I’m not sure this single thing is enough to go NC with them, but I do think it’s important they know that you felt under pressure to make a decision about a holiday at an inappropriate time and that wasn’t fair on you. They should accept and apologise for that.

I’m also wondering reading your post whether any understandable anger you are feeling, which is a completely normal part of
grief, is getting tangled up with this in a way that is making you focus on it more than you otherwise would have done?

Tbh I think you're all a bit in the wrong.

They shouldn't have booked it when DH told them to wait, and if they felt they needed to they should have done so quietly and not brought it up in the immediate aftermath of your loss.

DH should have told his parents to zip it and also shouldn't have brought it up to you in the immediate aftermath.

You shouldn't have put your foot down about it. You were obviously grieving but a family holiday with loving grandparents should be accommodated if possible.

I also don't think DH having to take time of work to mind the kids is evidence of terrible selfishness on the ILs part either really. Different if they'd refused and he'd want to travel to support you, but he's the children's father so definitely should be taking time off to look after them when their mother was (understandably) unable to do so.

Christ, aren't you embarrassed of being so fucking insensitive?

Whilst the in-laws sound insufferable and the only therapy DH really needed was to have a spine implanted, in the situation as it was, I would have just said that I'm not committing to going and then ignored it. Any pestering and the answer is a firm "No". What are they going to do? Bind and gag me and stuff me in a suitcase? If PILs want to then waste their money paying for a holiday for me that I said I didn't want to consider, that would be on them. There was no reason though why DH or the children couldn't go months down the line even if OP still didn't want to. In the (now likely) situation of a divorce, she won't be able to stop them going anyway.
Clearly though this sounds like it was the final straw in a series of altercations OP has had with the in-laws where DH has either sided with them or spent the time pulling splinters out of his arse sitting on the fence. It doesn't sound like he's ever had her back.
Anyone that gives me an ultimatum however can get straight in the fucking bin!

To clarify, my in-laws approached my husband once about the holiday in August. That was the first time they had mentioned it to him. That’s when my husband told his parents to wait. They booked it anyway. It turned out later that my in-laws had started planning it between themselves at the start of 2025, because my MIL had seen a reminder on Facebook of a previous holiday they had taken to the same safari lodge, and decided she wanted to have that holiday again but with my children this time because they were the only grandchildren who haven’t been to Africa yet. I asked repeatedly over those first few weeks after my dad died to be given some space to just grieve my dad, but was ignored and was given the ultimatum of having to provide a final answer the day after my dad’s funeral.

You ask for advice in your opening sentence …… then proceed to find fault with every suggestion that isn’t 100% what you want.

So maybe it’s best to go no contact - it would save your in laws a lot of grief.

I agree. It is not OP who is damaging her marriage. This is his decision, not the consequence of her response.

The one and only sore spot in our marriage is that DH has never stood up to me against his family's contemptuous treatment of me. I did warn him that if he refused to stand up to them then I would, and nobody would like what I had to say. He actually thought that might be beneficial. But I realised too late that it's pointless even attemping direct adult conversation with those types. They prefer to make their feelings known via passive aggression and the grand gesture. There is no real means of negotiation with that.

I don't see them now - it took 2 decades to reach that impasse - and my life is far serener as a consequence. DH and DC do, and I wouldn't want that any other way. But I don't have to participate.

If DH tried to crack on that I 'had' to do this if I wanted to continue the marriage, I'd cheerfully wave him off at the door. Emotional blackmail is a low, cheap trick and the worst thing anyone can do IMO is capitulate to it. You would never know any peace in your life.

This is why I don’t understand why you are getting a hard time from some posters. Your in laws sound self absorbed and your dh lacks a backbone with them. Perhaps it’s because they are wealthy and possibly domineering, so he has never pushed back.

They may be thinking that now. Having a house divided like that is not sustainable. Resentments will just dig deeper and there will be no relief.

It might be better if OP and her DH end it now before any deeper damage is inflicted on the children and each other.

If someone wants to treat you to a nice holiday is it not reasonable to ask them to wait for you to check you can actually make it? People have jobs where certain dates are not possible you know?

They asked for a little bit of grace while OP was going through a tough time and they waited all of 3 days.

You have no idea why OP lived far away from her dad so that is an awful thing to say. Shame on you.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. But I think you're being unreasonable. You're in-laws were trying to arrange something lovely for your family. I could understand you being upset with them if they wanted you to go away the day after your Dad's funeral, but this was almost a year later. I really feel you have got this out of all proportion. They aren't responsible for your Dad's death, you have tangled up your grief for your Dad with their offer and the perceived pressure you felt.

I think you need to get some grief counselling so you can remember your Dad and also look to the future.

My husband and my children have not been prevented from seeing his parents or his extended family once by me. I was texting my SIL to arrange a catch up with my children and their cousins earlier this week. I have made it crystal clear to my husband, and on here, that it is solely me that needs to take space from his parents. So why are you accusing me of cutting my children off from their entire family?

I think the thread is showing two kinds of people OP. People who value money and flash holidays and / or happy to just plough ahead regardless of others. And those who would be sensitive to the fact their DIL’s dad is ill / has died and put a pin in the holiday plans for a bit. I know who I’d rather be like 🤔