AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

This. It's this I would have real difficulties to process, especially given their son's attitude too.

I had a thing happen with my ex. From the outside it wouldn't have looked like much but something shifted for me that day. I tried to get past it. I told him I was trying to get past it but almost two years later I realised what we had was gone from me. he was stunned. He thought everything had 'gone back to normal'.

I just knew I didn't want to get old with someone that was so thoughtless and when they knew I was upset, doubled down.

I met DH eighteen months later. He has gone through hard times too. There's not a chance he would have done the thing to me that my ex did. I made the right decision to leave.

Or maybe lots of people understand that family life carries on regardless of grief or depression or whatever other shit goes on in life.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

If your dh feels he was put in a difficult position - it is his parents that put him in that position - not you. They asked about the holiday, you said no

His parents offered a holiday - nothing wrong with that, you said no thanks - nothing wrong with that either

what's wrong is their reaction to your no thanks

BUT you don't have to justify your no thanks, don't go

not sure why you wouldn't let your dc go away - why couldn't they go? Is your dh not their dad? That is the bit I think you are bu

yes their timing was off, shows they have lack of emotional intelligence

but how you react to that is what you are in control of not them

They've all behaved appallingly, but your husband (as fucking always on these threads!) is most to blame. He needs to be backing you, not letting his parents bully him and then rounding on you too.
my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better. Have you asked him, in light of this, why his therapist doesn't think you deserve an apology from his parents?

Nah. When your dad is literally in the midst of slowly dying you don't have to make decisions about free holiday jollies your inlaws quite fancy booking for next year.

OP it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved trauma from that time and separate to the holiday issue you are holding a lot against them that is also tangled up with grief.

Holding onto all of this and still feeling angry about it will be doing you harm.

In theory I agree with some other posters that you are mixing up the boundaries between grief and anger. It is still very early on in your grief, and I can absolutely understand you feeling like no one understands.

but this part (below) is the bit that I believe is unforgivable and disturbing of the way your husband treated you. I’d be saying to your husband that I wouldn’t be doing anything without talking it through with a joint grief counsellor and a marriage counsellor. Making big decisions about your marriage when it has only been a year since your loss, I wouldn’t be forced to do that, I’d try delaying for as long as possible. I’m so sorry for your loss

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

No but you could get your partner to deal
with it all or say you won’t go but you don’t care if everyone else does.

Your problem isn't with your in-laws, or even with their behaviour, it is with your husband and his relationship with his parents. Clearly your husband never grew up enough to say no to his parents and he is twisting everything to try and make this behaviour look normal.
It is hard to understand why your in-laws thought that imposing a holiday on you when you were is such an emotional state would be a good idea, but it is much harder to understand your husband's attitude- "an amazing opportunity"? it's a holiday not an university education.
Your husband is right about one thing, you don't need an apology from his parents , you need one from him, and that he needs to grow a backbone and start telling his parents no when they want something that will harm his family. He was not put in a difficult position, he put himself in it by immediately agreeing without considering the context and boundary overstep.
Your husband may not be able to see it this way- he has accused your therapist of gross professional misconduct to try and fudge over the fact no one with a working brain cell agrees with him.
Unfortunately if your husband cannot see the error of his ways it may be necessary to part ways with him-after all who can have respect for a man that cannot say no to his parents by the time he is middle-aged?

The problem isn’t the holiday, its the people.
i had In Laws like this, they decided, or said “jump” & all 4 sons obeyed, there was a terrifying power they had. None of the 4 sons dared to be a grown up in the face of these people.
At one big occasion, the girlfriends of these “men” were hiding keeping out of their way swigging neat gin out if a jam jar that one of us had sneaked in to the IL’s house to make the whole occasion bearable.
OP. Your H chalking up points of his therapist v your therapist is making it worse .
He isnt man enough to counter his parent’s, he will always be in short trousers terrified of their wrath. (There may also be some avarice involved)

How old are your DC ? Because whether or not you decide punishing your ILs by remaining NC, it will ultimately affect the whole family & potentially end your marriage. So punishing them may end up simply punishing yourself.

You’re not wrong. Several of the responses are along the line of, but it’s a free holiday.
Honestly, I don’t get it. Seems some people are anyone’s for a free trip.

Your husband was wrong to keep relaying the pressure to you. Could you go for couples counselling?

When I opened this I thought you were going to say they had expected you to go away whilst your dad was very ill.
I imagine they thought they were doing a very kind thing, it is a kind thing to book a holiday. I don't really think they've done anything wrong.

I think it wasn't something to go no contact with them over. You just say you aren't going and leave it at that. Repeat if they keep asking and change the subject. I tend to agree you probably diverted some of the anger in your grief onto this situation.

The issue, I think, is your DH - the pressure he put on you instead of protecting you from it when you needed support was horrible.

I am reluctant, though, to say a marriage, especially one with children, should be thrown away over just one issue. But that seems to be what he's doing, so that's 2 issues already.

Would marriage counseling together help you work through this? I don't see how you simply acquiescing to his demand is going to work without a meeting of minds on the issue. You will just spend the rest of your marriage resenting him and his parents.

I can see that you're very angry with them for many reasons, and I completely understand why.
You're not being unreasonable in my opinion. There has clearly been a long, long period of stress and hassle with them.

I'm so sorry you lost both your parents in such traumatic ways. That must be very, very hard to come to terms with.

I would be considering getting a divorce. Your husband doesn't support you against his parents. He never has.
That would make me extremely angry.

This website is genuinely disturbing sometimes. Some just cannot seem to wrap their head around the fact that the holiday doesn't matter, and does not in any way trump a woman who's grieving a dying parent's desire to be left to simply grieve in peace.

The palpable excitement at the notion of a free cool holiday is pretty disturbing.

It's like talking to aliens.

This is about far more than them booking a holiday. Things are festering and growing bigger all the time.

Going non contact is hurting you more than anyone else and is going to do irreparable damage if you carry on as you are.

Sorry about your dad being very ill and passing away but I think you dug your heels in when you could have so easily agreed. Its not as if they were asking you to go away around the time of your dads funeral. It does come across as persistence on their part and stubbornness on yours.
Im with your husband on this and feel sorry your children have been deprived of a wonderful holiday.

I mean, they shouldn’t have done it - but Christ alive you sound like massively hard work and it’s a huge overreaction on your behalf. You could have just ignored it rather than engaging with it/butting heads with your husband about it when your dad was ill.

I’m very sorry for your loss but I also think your grief has made you over react to this issue.

Yes the dh seems very much still tied to his mother’s apron strings. A safari is a pretty common long haul holiday nowadays. I know lots of people, including my sister and her dh, who have done it. It’s a package holiday (safari/beach combo) not a survival of the fittest trek.

I have to go, things to do. Please ignore the money grubbers OP, their reason is clouded by salivating over a free cool holiday, which matters more to some on this thread than loss, grief, death, compassion or any human feeling.

You must do whatever you need to do - and of course the holiday doesn't matter, not at all.

I don't really see how you can forgive your husband for his dreadful behaviour. Perhaps marriage counselling rather than individual therapy would help. He'd have to admit he and his parents were completely wrong, of course, and be genuinely remorseful, and instead it seems he is doubling down and trying to bully you further.

I'm sorry he and his parents have been so appalling to you.

Good luck to you, and again I am very sorry for your loss.

The therapist has said you're wrong, you say? And that you shouldn't expect an apology? You use a lot of therapy speak, are you getting counselling yourself?

Agree with the majority that they really should have checked, but they were trying to be kind, and they're your only family and only grandparents for your kids, so please don't ruin what's left. It's not good for your poor kids to see adults in conflict like this. It's not like they asked you to leave your dad's side to go on holiday right then.

I wonder why you feel the need to be deliberately offensive.

Your DH is blackmailing you by saying if you don’t speak to his parents, it will be the end of your marriage?
He also says his therapist is right, yours is wrong because you’re not fixed?!
I wouldn’t be trying to convince him otherwise, I’d be waving goodbye so hard my hand would drop off, what a total dick!

Your IL shouldn’t have booked the holiday and then kept on, if they wanted to book it all they had to do was book it and carry on as normal as long as your DH agreed him and the children would be available to go.
He has parental responsibility ( I’m assuming) so can make that decision for himself, the only deposit they would have lost is yours if you had decided not to go.
They were tactless but have no emotional connection your family.
I hate ultimatums anyway, so I’m firmly in the get rid camp!
How old are your children?