AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Umm where does it show they tiptoed around her? If anything they ran her over with their blundering demands.

Her husband asked for a little time to agree dates and they ignored him. So it is the parent-in-law’s fault the holiday didn’t include OP and her family. The “incredible holiday” wasn’t really a kind-hearted gift if they didn’t even care if the family could make it or not. If you were scrimping and saving to take your family away, surely you’d make sure they could come?! Or perhaps they were just trying to take control and using money as a weapon.

also please read the thread properly, she is not 22.

I started with that thought too, each drip seems to change the story, but this hasn't been confirmed or denied.

But She probably did make them cancel, or they cancelled because she was still refusing to speak.

OP, why are you holding onto this? How is this anger helping you? You don’t have to answer that, but it is something for you to think about.

The holiday that you didn’t go on has been and gone. You didn’t want to go, so you didn’t.

Holding onto this level of anger over such non-issue can’t be good for you. I wonder why your own therapist isn’t encouraging you to just let this go?

You said upthread that this is by far the worst thing your in-laws have ever done. If that’s true, then count yourself lucky because booking a luxury trip for your family in the hope that you can all go, and then cancelling it a couple of months later when you’ve made it clear you don’t want to go, is hardly the crime of the century.

Plenty of in-laws have done far worse (mine included) but people still manage to forgive and forget if no malice was intended, and in some cases, when malice was indeed intended!

Wouldnt it be better for you and your nuclear family to just put this to rest now and move on?

I’m sorry about your dad, but you have made a real mountain out of this.

Would help to read all the OPs updates - the PIL went on the safari on their own.

They sound quite self centred and not at all sensitive to how you would be feeling.
Having said that, they were offering you something nice and your kids a fantastic opportunity.
Are you prepared to lose your marriage over this? If not I would let your DH know that the way they did this is not okay but you understand it was a good intention.
I think you’ve been through an awful lot and understandably that will impact the way you experience the situation, and the in-laws have not even considered that.
Sorry for your losses.

I'm sorry about your Dad, OP. Your in-laws sound really awful, and your husband too (unfortunately). Your husband's therapist sounds like a bloke down the pub.

Grief is a personal thing, and you have to be led by the person grieving, so they are all in the wrong, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I hope you will be ok. (And, I hope you leave your husband for being an unsupportive, unimaginative oaf).

OP the more I read the more I can see how you are transferring your anger and grief over your fathers death onto your in laws

ignore your relationship with them and just focus on getting yourself healthier - your mental health is clearly bad and you need to really get into this with your therapist. If your therapist is saying ‘oh yes, I agree, block them until they apologise’ then they are the wrong therapist

put your in laws and DH to one side and deal with your justified anger and grief over losing your dad

I wouldn’t want anyone booking me a holiday without my say so at any time.

Honestly OP, as someone who lost her father and suffered dreadfully for that loss, I understand your feelings. Equally, these are the only remaining grandparents that your children have and they are your DH's parents.

I think it's time to let go. You are associating the loss of your Dad with their hapless way of trying to help. It's fine to say to DH that you never want to be put in that situation again and you expect him to protect you when you're vulnerable though.

At your dad funeral they harassed you about a safari holiday? 🤔

I believe the correct response would be 'Wow thank you, I can't turn my mind to that at the moment, but that's a lovely gesture.'

Actually, the correct response is however the person whose father is painfully and slowly dying wishes to respond to being instructed that a jolly family holiday has now been booked for her.

Why should you be grateful for something you didn’t want or ask for?

Like most gifts you mean?

If you think I am one of those who would you can kindly put away your silly emojis. Been travelling for 30 years, and most of them are probably what some people would call a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Most people on here have the experience to know that life is too short to hold grudges like this. And the irony that OP is sulking over her being invited to a holiday to get away from grieving her dead parent a year later, but doesn’t really bother to create new memories with her own children and husband, who really wanted to go. I know how awful it is to truly grieve a parent, sadly I am doing it now.

But I suspect this too will go over your head.

So you couldn’t delegate this to your husband and in laws? You wanted to be part of the discussion. As you say, money isn’t an issue for them, this is just another holiday. Why did you need to be a part of this? Why couldn’t you let them handle this while you looked after yourself? They’re not unreasonable carrying this one thing for your family while you were busy with your dad and sister and stepmom. You were unreasonable expecting them to put their lives on hold for an indeterminate number of months while you sorted yourself out, so you could be part of the discussion….at the end of which you could have said no! I’m sorry, but they’re not the unreasonable ones here and the fact that you’re in therapy, your husband’s in therapy, the holiday has been and gone, and you’ve now been issued with an ultimatum on divorce is really not surprising. You’ve pushed this situation onto everyone. It would have taken two minutes and less brain space to resolve this at the outset, but I’m gleaning that this is about control for you. Or “boundaries” as they call it these days. Well, two can play that game and your husband has drawn his. Ball in your court now.

YANBU! They sound controlling and, as you said, manipulative. Your DH should be supportive to you as his primary relationship. He sounds enmeshed with his parents. My DH is exactly the same. I stopped having anything to do with ILs a few years ago as they refuse to stop interfering and he’s too scared of upsetting them or incurring their sulking by supporting me.

Unfortunately when you are a mother and adult you can't have a couple of months to answer a question.

You will have had to make thousands of decisions in that time. Your kid has a school trip coming up, a relatives birthday is due, you need to buy a tub to take into school, what you were making for tea on Wednesday.

it's all still happens in the middle of grief.
It sounds like you made this question/decision a whole big trauma you just didn't want to face.

You say they were asking at 'the time your father was poorly and then burying him', that's a huge span of time, you still muddle through the time.
For example you speak to the funeral directors....then you have to give the kids a bath, you cry your eyes out while sorting through items...but then the kids need their school uniform washing etc etc.
There was soooo many opportunities in this time for you to decide if this could be possible for you to go in a years time or tell your husband and kids to go.

I still think it was ridiculous for them to book it without your confirmation but it does really sound like you were completely lost in grief and probably still are. It's pretty ridiculous to be discussing divorcing over this if your marriage is good otherwise.

They were wrong but your future is in your hands. You need to decide what you want to, and if being right is worth ending your marriage. It might be worth it, but you are focused on changing everyone else’s mind when really, you won’t. You and your husband need to sit down together and either agree what you both can live with, or don’t, and then you’ll need to decide next steps.

Yes to all you have said. Plus OP is willing to destroy her DH's relationship with his parents, as well as the grandkids. She lost her parents so he has to lose his, I guess. No one is allowed to go on safari and have fun, not even the children.

apologies if I’ve missed it but how long did you string them along without giving an answer? a week or so while you deal with the funeral and associated death admin is fine but you indicated in one post that you expected them to wait MONTHS. I think that is exceptionally rude and ungrateful.

however your DH is a bit of a knob for threatening a divorce over this too. You should be free to avoid them if you wish. Your time is your own to choose what you do with.

Well you see, it's free stuff, from wealthy people. Many mumsnetters genuinely cannot understand that wealthy people giving you free stuff is less important than, say, your father slowly and painfully dying and being allowed time to grieve and process that enormous loss with the support of your husband.

I honestly think the people lecturing the OP would perk right up at a nice fat cheque handed to them over a coffin on the day of their parent's funeral. Oh well, they'd say, wiping away a crocodile tear or too, at least we get free stuff! Cheer up, no need to make a fuss! Let's buy a nice new set of luggage, it's what dad would've wanted.

They just don't understand expensive holidays don't trump or assist with genuine grief and that no means no when your father is slowly and painfully dying - even if you're a millionaire.

Some people simply have not got the emotional bandwidth and are genuinely puzzled by anyone feeling genuine grief who just wants a bit of space, time and kindness. They would never say no to a nice fat freebie, under any circumstances. So they don't get it.

If your relationship with your in-laws was in a good place prior to this holiday debacle then your reaction is really disproportionate. If this is a culmination of issues then maybe we could understand your reaction better, but you have explained it like it's an isolated incident. Their timing was rubbish, but even with their rubbish timing can't understand why such an amazing holiday would be an outright no. Is it the destination that concerned you?