AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

??! So you're advocating OP blowing up her marriage and her kids happiness for what? Because her husband didn't agree with her? That is allowed, especially when she has been irrational (grief does that).

No, people are not missing this, and many have suggested it was perhaps clumsy.

You have stated in your OP that you have started this thread to prove your husband wrong, and are still angry wanting to justify your actions. 61% are disagreeing- But we have zero to lose, you do and I think you are underestimating how frustrated your husband is, even though he is telling you!

You have also failed to mention the outcome of the holiday, did you make them cancel it? Or are they going without you?

I don’t think people are missing this at all. I think that posters are firstly disagreeing that it was them: sounds like your DH had a part to play here. And I also think ‘waiting a few months’ for you to get your head together isn’t reasonable when they’re trying to take you all on a trip of a lifetime. Something they probably thought would be a nice thing to look forward to.

You say you’ve been on holiday with them lots before and invited them on things so it sounds like you all have a relatively good relationship. They probably saw this as an opportunity not to miss and can’t help the fact that there was a deadline to cancel or not.

I read it that she forced them to cancel it as mentions they ‘refused to cancel it for 2 months after my dad died’ which suggests they finally did at that point.
Madness

Unfortunately you have come to the home of some of the most money hungry desperate social climbers in the UK. The second you said expensive holiday the "Ka-Ching!!!" sound drowned out everything else.

Never mind that your father was dying and it was incredibly tasteless to be booking happy family fun. Never mind that you said no, and kept saying no. Never mind that your husband has bullied you relentlessly instead of giving you a moment of support as you suffered.

You see, OP, they have MONEY and you were going to get FREE STUFF plus BRAGGING RIGHTS for a cool holiday - and that's what matters to most on this site.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. The reason you cannot, must not and will not give in is because they insensitively stomped on your grief, and repeatedly tried to bulldoze you into compliance. At this point, they could be offering the crown jewels and a Learjet and you'd be telling them to get stuffed. I get it.

They don't get to win. Their prize for being awful to you is not your eventual compliance. They don't get to minimise your father's death. Your husband does not get to bully you. I am so sorry they have done this to you and sorrier still for some of these horrific responses.

You have normal human emotions, you value love and connection over free holidays forced upon you by wealthy bullies, and don't react well to financial coercion and attempts to minimise your grief for other people's convenience.

You have a massive husband problem. Going no contact is actually the only way to escape their bullying demands, it seems. Not sure how to deal with the viper you live with. I cannot offer you advice because you are married to a man whose values are just as fucked up as his parents.

You're not in the wrong. Ignore the money grubbers. I am so sorry for your loss.

For the entire time my dad was ill, they didn’t offer to have the kids once. Even when I had to get straight on a flight after my dad was first resuscitated and we thought that was it, my husband had to take time off work to get the kids because my in-laws didn’t even want to pick them up from school.

@OneAquaHare there are a lot of people on this thread agreeing with you that your ILs are terrible people and you should divorce your DH. Others think you're over reacting and your last response addresses that rather than the posts calling your family members some very unkind things. It sounds like you've already decided to end your marriage so maybe start another thread (possibly with a name change) to discuss the practicalities of house sale, financial split, joint custody etc.

I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve read your updates and see that this is part of a pattern of thoughtless behaviour and odd social expectations. But in a vacuum this is very much on your husband. He could have protected you if you really couldn’t cope with the offer of a holiday, he could have just made the decision (he doesn’t need your permission to take your kids on holiday any more than you need his) or he could have just said no and never talked to you about it at all if you were in such a rough state. I can’t work out what the in-laws did wrong exactly in this particular situation that your husband shouldn’t have just shielded you from so you could ignore the whole thing.

I think you had a terrible time so every memory during that time is tainted. If this had happened any other time it wouldn’t be this much of an issue. They supported you through the loss of your mother and that’s a huge thing for in-laws.

I am so sorry you are finding things so rough. Maybe everyone would benefit from just catching their breath a bit. What I’d say to a friend is to Send your husband and the kids on holiday and take those two weeks off work yourself to just get some space and decide what you want to do. If you were my friend I’d be quite worried you were a bit stuck in a loop of grief and anger, it comes across even here that your struggling to cope and it’s important for you to figure out how to live your new life now without bringing all this with you forever.

Yes their timing was undoubtedly shit, but expecting them to wait a couple of months to discuss it is also ridiculous, it was just a holiday not asking you to move countries, so I can see from their point of view why they wouldn’t have thought it a big deal. Life has to carry on even when you’re grieving, especially when you have kids. PIL were initially in the wrong but your reaction was so over the top and it sounds like you’re still unwilling to acknowledge that despite the majority of people saying you’re being unreasonable. The fact you would be willing to break up your children’s family over this is crazy.

Or maybe she can write about whatever she likes, without your snide sniping.

Did you miss the part where OP knew she needed to check availability with work, but that during her dad’s illness and subsequent death it wasn’t a convenient time? And her DH asked them to wait because OP was going through a tough time - but they booked it anyway after 3 days? And then went on about their deposit on the day of her dad’s funeral? What does that tell you about their regard for OP’s feelings - I don’t think their priority was helping them as a family at all. It was about their wants and control over what they wanted to do… regardless of what suited their son’s family.

Must say, I agree with this.

I agree with you. What they did maybe could be seen as insensitive at worst but for me, their doubling and tripling down and especially that of your husband is pretty shocking really. I was an adult when my Mum died (28) but I felt terrible for the first two years after. I'm hard as nails normally but I just could not get a grip. I certainly wouldn't have gone on safari.

It's all very well people saying you have overreacted but you HAVE acted the way you have and you are being shown very little support.

I would see all of them in a new light. I would be considering the future of my marriage because I would know my DH didn't have my back. Moving forward with that knowledge is very hard.

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong really but I think your coping mechanism is being in control as much as possible and your husband’s parents aren’t really respecting your right to say no to what seems to most of us a great holiday. So you are reacting more than most as you feel it’s another situation you have no control over.

I would try and widen your world a little bit so you have other outlets for feeling out of control that are less high stakes, seems trivial but honestly just some time out of the grind doing something out of your comfort zone would be beneficial even if it doesn’t seem like it now.

Protecting her from what exactly? The people who loved and cared for her during a time of difficulty and sadness. People who tiptoed around her and booked an incredible holiday, which is no cheap thing out of the kindness of their hearts.
So now everyone is suffering because she has gone way OTT.
She is 22 years old, not a child. I think she is behaving really badly and needs to get a grip.
Ive lost both parents at a young age and had to just button up and get on with it.
Its one thing to grieve it's another to go full Prince Harry on their asses.

So many people who would sell their soul for a free holiday 🤣🤣🤣

Outside of this, honestly what is your husband like? What is your marriage like?

I think this is probably very accurate.

Exactly. You keep saying they were asking you at such a bad time but they weren’t asking you, they were asking your DH. It was him who took the decision to ask you. He could have just said to his parents "Aqua is in a terrible state, I can’t possibly pester her with this now. If you need a definite decision we’ll have to say no, I’m afraid. Please don’t mention it to her again."

It's unreasonable to blame your PIL for your DH choosing to pass the stress on to you at a bad time.

I do not think you are unreasonable at all, and all I can say is I couldn’t even choose between a cup of tea or a mug of coffee when my mum was dying and in the three months afterwards. Never mind if I’d be up for a fancy holiday next year.
I think we do all deal with bereavement differently, as can be seen from the wide spectrum of replies from people saying they could have organised a National Event like the Olympics when their parent was dying to people like me who broke into a million pieces and had no idea where to put my socks on my body when handed them as keeping the pieces together was so very hard.
I could not have made sense of the question they were asking me, or even remembered it and would have asked for a couple of months space.
others could have said yes please and been totally in control.
Your in laws and your DH should have been able to work out what sort a response you were capable of and given you enough respect to put off the decision for a few weeks.
Just because some people could handle this, doesn’t mean everyone could.
Id be so sad that they didn’t know me well enough to respect my way of grieving and to just fucking wait a few weeks .
It is so often posted on here there is no wrong or right way to grieve there is just your way. You in laws and many on here don’t seem able to see this, and your sense of utter frustration with people who are telling you that you are doing it all wrong is clear. You are not wrong, your are doing it your way

I am so very sad and sorry you lost your mum so tragically when you were barely an adult and so sad your dads passing was the way it was.

You're painting a very mixed picture of your in-laws here. The people who didn't even once offer to take care of their grandchildren while you were with your dying father just don't sound like the same people who let you live in their home after your mother died. You don't say that they treated you badly during that traumatic time, so I assume they treated you reasonably well.

If all is as you say, and they completely ignored the fact that your dad was dying in order to nag you into helping them plan an expensive safari holiday, while refusing to hear your repeated "No"s, then they sound like very strange people indeed.

I feel as if there must be more nuance to this story.

They've been insensitive. And you are clearly a very sensitive person. It sounds as though they were up against a deadline to book the trip. They are generous people - not only inviting your whole family on a very expensive holiday, but also having you to live with them after your mother's death.
Accept the holiday with good grace, go and have a good time. Or allow your children to go with your DH - it'll be a once in a lifetime trip for them. Don't go no contact - that's childish, and absolutely not deserved by either your in-laws or your DH. It's time to toughen up, to be honest. I'm guessing that there's a very significant other side to this story.

I am sorry about your parents but I think you are letting grief affect your feelings .
I don't understand why you are offended that they booked a lovely holiday for a year after your father died. Presumably they had to make a decision quickly , they spoke to your husband who said it was a lovely idea but you were busy supporting your sick father and couldn't make a decision, so they made the decision and booked it.
Forgetting that they booked it, is it a holiday you and your children would enjoy? Even if you can't bring yourself to go I don't think you should deny your children.